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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed when DH goes out drinking??

34 replies

winterwinter · 09/08/2017 21:41

I think I already know the answer to this (IABU) but wanted to know if anyone else feels the same. I HATE it when my DH goes out drinking with his friends - get anxious all night long and cant sleep. He seems to go into some black hole and not respond to calls or texts. When he does pick up the phone and I hear his drunk voice I instantly get so annoyed!!!

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 09/08/2017 21:42

How often does he go out?

DeannaTroika · 09/08/2017 21:42

Depends. Does he do it all the time?

If you hate him going out at all and want him to stay in with you always, then yes YABVU. You're an adult, he doesn't need to baby sit you.

PurpleDaisies · 09/08/2017 21:43

Sorry, YABU unless there's some back story here. Have you got reason not to trust him? What are you worried about when he's out? What are you texting/calling him about?

LindyHemming · 09/08/2017 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crispsheets · 09/08/2017 21:44

I wouldn't dream of texting/calling my partner if I was out
I'm an adult.

SendintheArdwolves · 09/08/2017 21:49

It might help if you could tell us what it is about him going drinking that you don't like. Is it that you hate how he behaves when he has a drink, or have there been times in the past where he's endangered himself or got into trouble that he expects you to get him out of? Is he unbearable when he's hung over, and ruins the next day for you/your household? Are finances very tight, and the money he is spending means other people have to go without? Does he get leisure time to see his friends, but you never do? If so, YANBU.

Or is it that you don't like being left alone in the house, or don't like him going to places without you? Do you find yourself worrying that something terrible will happen, and resent him for putting you through that? Do you hate him being out of contact for even a few hours, and get angry that he won't respond to his phone while he's out with his friends? If so, YABU.

Emboo19 · 09/08/2017 21:49

As others have said YABU, unless there's more to it than you've posted.
I don't often answer my phone or texts when out, busy bars/clubs so I don't hear it and I'm busy chatting, dancing and drinking. My dp is the same and I'm fine with that.

Original poster
winterwinter · 09/08/2017 21:49

really not very often, say once a month? I think i needed some sense talking into me which you have all done a great job of so thanks!! BlushSmile I suffer with pretty bad anxiety which I think makes all of this worse. There are no trust issues whatsoever I more just worry that he will get in a really bad state and get into trouble or get injured somehow, always thinking of the worst case scenario

OP posts:
chitofftheshovel · 09/08/2017 21:50

Why on earth do you phone him and text him whilst he is out?

PurpleDaisies · 09/08/2017 21:51

Anxiety is horrible. Are you texting and calling to check he's ok?

Have you ever had help with your anxiety?

Parker231 · 09/08/2017 21:52

Why would you get stressed with him having a night out? Do you go out with your friends?

SendintheArdwolves · 09/08/2017 21:53

It's great that you recognise that this is irrational - are you getting support for your anxiety?

I have to say, if my partner was always phoning me when I was with my friends, and then "got so annoyed" when I finally did answer and they "heard my drunk voice" I'm pretty sure I would "not respond to texts or calls".

He can't win can he - you call and text and then get cross when he answers!

chitofftheshovel · 09/08/2017 21:53

X post winter sorry, anxiety is shit. Might it actually help to try not to contact him when he's out, that way he can't not answer. Plan a nice evening for yourself and enjoy having the bed to yourself.

NoLoveofMine · 09/08/2017 21:55

Anxiety is an issue of its own so I hope you can get advice and help with that, OP.

In terms of going out drinking I can't see why anyone in a relationship can't go out with their friends. It's hardly something only men can do.

Original poster
winterwinter · 09/08/2017 21:56

I dont tend go go out with my friends as it sends my anxiety through the roof- I have started to get help with this, and I know its not fair of me to expect him to live around my problems!!

OP posts:
Sittinginthesun · 09/08/2017 21:56

Plan a nice evening, eat some chocolate, don't phone him. I never phone or text DH when he is out, and would be cross if he called me.

Original poster
winterwinter · 09/08/2017 21:58

chit yes! its strange because i go through fits of one minute thinking "how amazing is this i can have a wonderful evening to myself and starfish on the bed" and the next minute having a total freak out and blowing up his phone! Blush

OP posts:
LaArdilla · 09/08/2017 21:59

Sort your anxiety out. Start with the GP if it's that debilitating.

If a man claimed to be "worried" about his female partner going out and enjoying herself, so much so that he pestered her for texts and calls all night and banged on about 'hating' it, he'd be called a controlling tit. Even by playing the victim and acting like it comes from a place of worry, what it is is coming from a place of wishing he didn't do it at all.

Either a) start enjoying some nights out yourself, or b) plan to enjoy your night in watching/eating/drinking whatever you like.

Crashbangwhatausername · 09/08/2017 21:59

I always see these posts and it shows me I'm unreasonable. Except I don't believe I am. When dh goes out I expect him to be contactable in an emergency, as he expects from me, occasionally this has been abused by both of us in cases such as asking where an unimportant item might be/the dc want to say goodnight etc however I still believe that whilst everyone absolutely deserves a night off, we all still have responsibilities and if those include a partner with anxiety being kept informed of your whereabouts then that is surely ok?

PurpleDaisies · 09/08/2017 21:59

How does he react to your texts and phone calls? Does he manage to just ignore them or does he get angry?

Lana1234 · 09/08/2017 21:59

I suffer anxiety too so I understand how it can make us over think the littlest things. Is DH aware of your anxiety? Maybe you could ask him to drop you a text at night when it starts getting on to let you know he is okay instead of you calling/texting him.

LaArdilla · 09/08/2017 22:00

"...and blowing up his phone!"

Um. Yeah. YABRRRRRRU. Don't do this. If a man 'blew up my phone' because I was having a night out he'd be packing his fucking bags, even if he was bleating 'anxiety!'

Emboo19 · 09/08/2017 22:08

I've no experience of anxiety myself. Is you dp supportive of you trying to sort it out? Would he be ok with giving you a expected time home and calling if that changes massively, could you agree to not phoning him unless it's an emergency and him agree to definitely answer if you do, would he be able to give you one or two quick texts while out as reassurance if you agree to not text him.

And definitely try enjoy your night in, put a movie on he'd hate, get some yummy snacks and drinks.

CurlsandCurves · 09/08/2017 22:09

I was like that with my ex, but for good reason. He was emotionally abusive and cheated regularly. He could be at home by 11pm or not till the following morning and i would still be on edge. It was nothing about what time he got home I was just totally insecure about what he was doing and with whom.

I don't know about your situation but it took a while when I met DH to realise not every man was like my ex and he will be home and it will be fine. I trust him implicitly and he's never given me any reason to do otherwise.

Is there anything to back up how you feel, or is this about you and how you need to deal with this going forward?

SendintheArdwolves · 09/08/2017 22:13

we all still have responsibilities and if those include a partner with anxiety being kept informed of your whereabouts then that is surely ok?

The thing is that the anxiety isn't rational, so no matter how much he "kept her informed of his whereabouts" it wouldn't go away. Just say he said "I'll call you at 10pm to let you know I'm OK" the anxiety would still have a field day waiting for the call, imagining the worst, etc. Then if he was five minutes late, that would just "confirm" that something terrible had happened, etc. As soon as he was off the phone, the anxiety would start up again -- "what if something's happened NOW?"

If you try to placate irrational thoughts you end up caught in a tighter and tighter spiral -- all the things you thought you would feel safe if you "just" did become a prison.

Also, she is informed of his whereabouts - he is out with his friends. And yes, in the nlikely event of an emergency, it would be great if your partner was contactable. But it's not reasonable to expect someone to be at the end of their phone day and night "in case something happens". Otherwise you would never be allowed to take a flight, go underground, be in areas with patchy mobile reception, or fall heavily asleep.