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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really annoyed with my MIL

40 replies

Titsywoo · 09/08/2017 09:44

Yes I know, I know another MIL thread. I do love my MIL honestly but sometimes she really pisses me off - generally when it comes to my DC as she tends to stick her oar in.

DD is nearly 13 and is a healthy weight (5ft 1 and about 7 and a half stone). She tends to eat small portions but she eats pretty well really (lots of fruit and I try and get veg into her on a daily basis even though she isn't keen!). When she goes through a growth spurt (like she is now) she eats like a horse. MIL though seems to have issue with her not eating enough and goes on at her whenever we see her. The kids go to her once a week in the holidays while I work and DD has been telling me this holiday how grandma keeps telling her she doesn't eat enough and making her finish her food. She text me earlier to say MIL had made her finish her porridge even though she was full halfway and now she has a stomach ache Hmm. The other day MIL was talking to her about anorexia and how she should be careful to eat enough!

I don't want to fall out with her but I had lots of issues with self esteem when I was a teen due to having parents always putting me on diets so I have been very careful to not make a big deal of eating (bar making sure diet is healthy with veg etc) or body image.

OP posts:
user1497357411 · 09/08/2017 09:59

I was skinny until I was 28 and got a lot of that "you probably have anorexia" crap. Especially from women who were dieting. Actually I ate a lot. Second breakfast, ellevensies, afternoon tea, goodnight snack. I was essentially a hobbit. If I ate like that now I would gain two kilos a week. Ask your MIL if she is deliberately trying to give your DD an eating disorder and inform her that skinny shaming is just as unforgiveable as fat shaming.

Schroedingerscatagain · 09/08/2017 10:07

Hi titsy

You know that your daughter is fine, mil just needs reassuring and telling nicely but firmly to back off

For reassurance my DS is 13 5'2 and weighs 5st 9 DD is 14 5'4 and weighs 6st 7 and are both on the third centile for weight but above 50th for height

Both were seen by their paediatrician and dietician last week who were happy with their weights which although at the low end of normal are correct for their slight build

Children come in all shapes and sizes and as long as you her mum are happy with her overall food intake then your mil needs to not make food into an issue

Your DD sounds sensible, she's listening to her body and stopping when she's full. Sounds like you've brought her up with a healthy attitude to eating

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/08/2017 10:18

OP can you explain to MIL next time you see her that DD has a balanced diet and simply doesn't feel comfortable eating a lot at one sitting.
So if the portion size is too big, telling DD off for not clearing her plate will be counter-productive.

I was the same user - one or two colleagues sometimes inferred I was secretly slimming or denying myself food to stay thin. Just my metabolism back then.

PandorasXbox · 09/08/2017 10:23

Take MIL to one side and speak to her?

wobblywonderwoman · 09/08/2017 10:26

I think that is quite an outrageous thing to hint at to a young person that to watch for anorexia. I would get your Dh to talk to mil and firmly state she is not to speak to her like that.

BewareOfDragons · 09/08/2017 10:31

Your DH needs to tell your MIL to back off and that she is potentially causing a problem herself by her focus on what DD is/isn't eating, and she is no longer to raise the issue with DD. Ever. Or she won't be left alone with her granddaughter.

Hillarious · 09/08/2017 10:33

Not eating enough, or not finishing the food on her plate? Two different issues there. Is portion control the place to start? What's your approach to food waste when eating in your home? It's frowned upon at ours, but plate up appropriate portion sizes.

PandorasXbox · 09/08/2017 10:35

I don't think it should be the DH that speaks to her. It's his mum and he may not convey his thoughts as thoroughly as he needs to therefore giving the MIL the chance to roll her eyes and dismiss what's been said.

I'd do it myself in the OP's shoes.

diddl · 09/08/2017 10:37

Does your daughter have to go to MIL?

She is 13!

jay55 · 09/08/2017 10:38

At 13 could she stay home rather than go to her grandmothers for the day? And maybe visit for an afternoon avoiding meal times?

KimmySchmidt1 · 09/08/2017 10:39

she presumably hasnt hit puberty yet - so not at all surprising that she can eat a fair bit and not put on weight.

MIL needs to trust you and to understand that bullying and repeated bringing it up doesn't help. If anything it makes things work. People of that generation seem to have zero affinity for psychology at all and frequently do the exact opposite of what is constructive.

Bemusedandpuzzled · 09/08/2017 10:40

Have you actually spoken to your MIL about this and explained that your DD is a healthy weight, that she eats the right amount of calories for her age, and that you're very concerned that her relationship with food weight and body image remains natural and healthy? Because that seems like the obvious course of action, tbh.

ittakes2 · 09/08/2017 10:42

You could have a phone call with your dr to confirm what you already know - your daughter is a healthy weight etc and that children shouldn't be force fed. and then tell your m'n'law the doctor said she is a healthy weight and the dr is concerned she will get mental health issues about eating if she is force fed. A third party opinion might help take the pressure off you?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/08/2017 10:43

Kimmy I was reading and agreeing with you up until
People of that generation seem to have zero affinity for psychology at all and frequently do the exact opposite of what is constructive.

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 09/08/2017 10:45

That's very dangerous of your MIL but I suspect unintentionally so, she is probably not aware of the body image pressure on young people. My 14yo son is 5ft 8 and 7st 9 so technically underweight. He has grown unbelievably rapidly this last 12m, (3 sets of school pants in one year) and his father is a similar build, very slim and athletic, very little fat. He was having dizzy spells and the gp has explained him that the rest of him is trying to catch up with his rapid height growth. Notwithstanding this, he went through a spell of not wanting to eat biscuits etc because he didn't want to get fat!! That's passed now thankfully. On a separate, I asked the gp to explain to him that redbull was dangerous and she said "nah, but just be careful when you start to put vodka in it"!!Wink

LemonBreeland · 09/08/2017 10:57

I had this from my Gran growing up. Luckily your daughter can talk to you about it and you can reassure her she is fine. My Gran kept going on about anorexia, she watched the Karen Carpenter story, and I never hear the end of it.

As a result I hated the way I looked for a long time. I think you need firm word with your MIL about not making your DD finish food if she says he is full.

The world has a skewed view of normal these days.

youaredeluded · 09/08/2017 11:00

Why are you letting this women care for your child? What she is saying and doing could have long term implications on your child's health and mental being. Why are you letting it continue? You need to put a stop to it or find new childcare.

Benedikte2 · 09/08/2017 11:03

I think you need to tell MIL you are so pleased your DD is in touch with her appetite! Such a healthy thing to know when one has eaten enough. I was conditioned to eat all that was put before me from birth and find it difficult to stop eating until I've eaten everything with consequent problems. Always have told older children in my care that "in this house we enjoy our food and you don't have to eat more than you want or anything you dislike" Littlies, of course encouraged to try everything and to develop a taste for fruit & veg, but not force fed.
I admire the fact that friends DC will finish their meals at point they feel satisfied.
Ask MIL to please not confuse your DD by encouraging to eat more because she has a healthy BMI and might start to binge eat and induce vomiting when she feels uncomfortably full

Original poster
Titsywoo · 09/08/2017 11:08

Thanks for the replies. Yes I'm going to get DH to have a word with her as he tends to be quite firm! I agree it is a worry she could get a complex which is what I am trying to avoid with either of my kids and it pisses me off when someone makes one comment and potentially ruins all that.

She isn't 13 yet she is 12 and she loves her gran and likes going there. Plus I have another younger child who is ASD and so I need the childcare anyway. Funnily enough DH has already had to talk to her about what she says to DS who is obese (we are working on this but it's part of his autism).

MIL is quite obsessed about body image herself and is always on diets and moaning about how she looks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Titsywoo · 09/08/2017 11:10

Agreed Benedickte! I am rubbish at knowing when I am full and it hasn't done me any favours so I have always let DD eat until she is satisfied and never pushed her to clear her plate.

OP posts:
schoolgaterebel · 09/08/2017 11:15

Why is a 13 year old being looked after by her GM? If she is unhappy surely she is old enough to choose to stay at home?

Body image is important (and a sensitive subject) at this age. My 13DD is very tall and very thin. She is very ashamed of her thin body (lack of curves), she is teased at school and called a stick insect. The more curvy girls are quite mean, accusing her of dieting or being anorexic, checking what size skirt she wears when changing for PE and laughing at her. She eats, anything, lots of healthy snacks and sometimes unhealthy snacks too, she is very aware of what she eats and has begun fixating on calories, trying to increase her food intake and has asked if she could try protein shakes. She is consuming the same amount of calories as I do (a slightly chubby 42YO) but never puts weight on.

She used to like netball and running, but wants to stop because she is worried about burning calories.

If she had a family member judging her weight and commenting on her diet, it would break her.

Please put a stop to this immediately.

SaucyJack · 09/08/2017 11:17

Does your MIL have feeder issues? Tell her to back off.

Your DD is a very similar size/age to my oldest, and it's not skinny at all. Very very average TBH.

Is your MIL large herself, or from a large family that has caused her to completely lose sight of what normal looks like?

Laiste · 09/08/2017 11:19

I think your DD should be given the choice to stay home at 12/13.

With what you say about DS as well, MIL doesn't sound like suitable child care. Just because someone is available doesn't make it right.

Original poster
Titsywoo · 09/08/2017 11:25

Christ almighty! DD doesn't want to stay home alone. She is not unhappy. She loves her grandma. If she said to me she didn't want to go there yes I would let her stay home. DS is happy to go there too. They don't have an issue it's me hearing what she says to them that concerns me.

And again she is 12 not 13.

Thanks for your comments anyway - I am getting DH to talk to her. I was trying to think of a way to say it without upsetting MIL as I doubt she means it in a horrible way she just doesn't always think things through I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Titsywoo · 09/08/2017 11:26

Yes saucy I would say DD is average and not skinny. MIL doesn't say anything about her size she is just going on the amounts she sees her eat when they are together.

OP posts: