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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he shouldn’t have done this?

60 replies

Woopzies · 09/08/2017 02:13

Hello! Long time lurker; first time thread creator.

So I used to volunteer at an organisation for 1.5 yrs. I absolutely loved it as it kept me busy during the weekends and any spare time I had. Around 10 months ago, someone else joined as well as a volunteer - took to each other immediately and became very close friends.

We never argued and worked happily together - ideal situation, really. He then left the organisation in November, but we stayed in touch. After this, a lot of other volunteer staff joined, who I didn’t really like. I often ranted about them to my friend just to vent a bit - as we all do.

However for some unexplained reason, he sends snapshots of our conversations to the volunteering lead at the organisation with the intent of me getting ousted, as I did.

He said that he did it out of care, and that the role was “changing me” and he wanted the ‘old’ me back. However, he’d been bragging about doing it for weeks (unknown to me) to his friends so he didn’t do it out of care.

Sure, I did things wrong and handled situations badly, saying things that weren’t wise and I deserved what I got. However, he wanted to play the angel for some reason and decides to be a snake.

Just really upset at how the friendship ended. AIBU to think that he shouldn’t have done it? And that just talking it out would’ve been better rather than toying with my feelings and betraying my trust?

Cheers.

OP posts:
ShoutOutToMyEx · 09/08/2017 02:19

I don't think he should have done it. It's a really low thing to do. Even if it was out of 'care' because you were 'changing', who on earth is he to decide you need to stop your volunteering?

He sounds oddly controlling. Did you ever get the sense he might see you as more than a friend? Might he be bitter about that?

Original poster
Woopzies · 09/08/2017 02:27

Spot on, ShoutOutToMyEx.

He asked me out in March, which I kindly declined to as I didn’t / don’t see him in that way. But he took it well (as it appeared) and nothing more was said about it. Confused

OP posts:
Fluffypinkpyjamas · 09/08/2017 02:43

He was not a friend, a friend wouldn't do that. You are well shot of him!

DJBaggySmalls · 09/08/2017 02:49

You are well rid of him, he sounds controlling and vindictive. You know its ok to vent. Its mandatory in some roles to have someone to talk things over with, its done in a professional setting with guidelines. I think between friends its generally accepted that you dont literally mean every word you say when you let off steam.

thepumpk1neater · 09/08/2017 02:59

You're quite right, he shouldn't have done it. You were letting off steam and confiding in a friend you trusted, you didn't expect the conversation to be used like that. It's a pity you were ousted from your volunteer role.

MeltingSnowflake · 09/08/2017 03:28

Sounds a manipulative creep who had his pride hurt when you turned him down.

Thank goodness that a) you didn't end up dating him, and b) this wasn't a paid position and therefore your career he damaged (that's not to diminish a volunteer role though, I volunteer too)

Sorry this happened to you! Never contact him again, block his number and move on!

iogo · 09/08/2017 03:35

What a wanker. We're all allowed to let off steam to people we trust.

Never, ever speak to him again and block him from everything.

Original poster
Woopzies · 09/08/2017 03:42

I dunno, for someone who wasn’t a friend - he pulled off an act that was pretty convincing since I’m usually a good judge of character - but when I slip, man, I slip hard!

I massively miss the volunteering though, was literally my day’s enjoyment - even despite the people I faced there...

As for blocking him, already one step ahead on that one. Even though he seemed to have gotten a new sim and said he wants to talk it out - which I agreed to so that I could see what bs he’ll present me with.

Will keep you all updated with what is said.

OP posts:
Sushi123 · 09/08/2017 03:43

Wow! What an absolutely horrible nasty rat. As iogo suggested, erase this person from your life

Atenco · 09/08/2017 03:59

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Why can't you let off steam safely with a friend? Don't we all on occasion? Frankly I don't quite understand the reason behind ousting you as long as you were treating the other volunteers respectfully.

newdaylight · 09/08/2017 04:02

Wow that's ridiculous of him. As a friend if he felt your letting off steam was overstepping the mark that's a conversation he should have had with you.

generallyabitgrumpy · 09/08/2017 04:16

It's best never to put something in writing that you wouldn't want the person to see. I learned this the hard way, grumbling about family and friends when I was planning my wedding on what I felt was an anonymous forum. Someone kindly found my posts, printed them and posted them to relevant parties. Over a decade later and a number of relationships are still considerably damaged.

He isn't a friend. Cut him loose.

Could you try to find a different set of volunteering? Or apologise and see if you could return to your old post?

justilou1 · 09/08/2017 04:25

Patronizing arse of a man! Not only did he get you fired and justified it by claiming to "get the old you back" (*sick in my mouth), he got a NEW SIM to contact you when you blocked him!!! He's dangerous.

tillytown · 09/08/2017 04:35

Ignore this arsehole, find somewhere else to volunteer, and whenever you want to let off steam do it on here Smile

eatabagofdicks · 09/08/2017 04:39

Don't meet with him. He's manipulatively and quite frankly sounds stalkerish. You need this in your life.

eatabagofdicks · 09/08/2017 04:39

*manipulative

eatabagofdicks · 09/08/2017 04:40

Ffs you DON'T need this in your life

ChasedByBees · 09/08/2017 04:47

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of trying to explain. There's nothing he could say to make this better.

VisitorFromAlphaStation · 09/08/2017 05:01

Well, he should have brought it up with you that you ought not to write or text whatever it was you wrote about your former workplace. "I often ranted about them to my friend just to vent a bit - as we all do." This is a big no-no unless perhaps you do it verbally in the privacy of your home. But another big issue here is him sending the texts, without your knowledge, to the organisation with the intent of getting you ousted if this is the case that's bad.

MrsOverTheRoad · 09/08/2017 05:22

BIG lesson here for you OP.

Around 10 months ago someone else joined as well as a volunteer - took to each other immediately and became very close friends.

You didn't become very close friends.

You trusted someone before you had got to know them properly.

It takes WAY longer than a few months to become very close friends. It takes YEARS.

Be more guarded. Don't bitch. Don't text things about other people.

OliviaStabler · 09/08/2017 05:33

Sounds to me like he did this out of spite because you didn't return his feelings. Hurtful but he has shown his true self. I'd avoid like the plague!

Livingdiisgracefully · 09/08/2017 05:44

You're right this guy was being vindictive and unkind. His interests were not aligned with yours. It's kind of an unwritten rule that you don't pass on comments that someone makes when they're venting. As a previous poster said, you don't mean everything you say literally.

Having said that, it might be worth considering that if these people annoyed you so much you weren't being very assertive with them . Is this something you might be able to work on?

I'm a bit concerned what you might get out of talking it through with this guy. He really doesn't seem very nice and I can't imagine you ever being able to trust him again.

Italiangreyhound · 09/08/2017 05:52

Woopzies let me see if I have got this right. You volunteered for free at an organisation, you made a friend, they left that place, asked you out, you said no, you didn't like your new co-volunteers and sent texts saying how you did not like them, and he showed the texts to your 'supervisor' and you got 'sacked' from your voluntary work?

That's crap (if I have got it right).

Sounds like he is a petty controlling shit bag, and I would avoid him.

Your place where you volunteer should not, in my opinion, have agreed to look at private texts sent by you. If they did agree to look at them and they were really unpleasant or rude I can understand them being cross but I think they should have given you a warning.

In your shoes I would find a new place to volunteer. I would not bad mouth my co-volunteers to any 'friend', and I'd just chalk this up to experience.

If the messages were in a public forum, domain, Facebook etc I can more understand your former organisation may have felt hat you said reflected badly on them. but in a private text it is none is their business.

Although, as far as I am aware you have no contract as a volunteer and so could be 'let go' at any time. Your former supervisor my have felt your negative comments could be detrimental to the organisation. And i thin you have have learnt, the hard way, not to leave a trail of mean comments because they could be used against you.

Good luck finding a new voluntary position. (And don't let that creep explain anything, whatever controlling, shite reason he has for his actions, you don't need to know it! IMHO).

Tootsiepops · 09/08/2017 05:59

I don't think you should meet him so that he can explain. His actions speak for themselves - he's not to be trusted.

BlackJesus · 09/08/2017 06:12

What a cunt

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