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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he should contribute?

66 replies

sayerville · 08/08/2017 11:58

We are going on a family holiday this week, we have paid for DD and BF as her 21st birthday present, this holiday was £1500 each so a big one and I used a lump sum I had to pay for the 4 of us. DD asked if they could contribute, we said yes that would be nice so we agreed on £300 each. I felt mean as DD is now an overdrawn student and as it was her birthday said I didn't want anything but to pay for your own extras from hereon. I am still waiting for BF contribution, his situation is different in that he is working - OK not a big salary and initially back in June sent £1 to my bank account to make sure it was the right one, so far nothing else, I am being mean here or should he contribute?

OP posts:

Original poster

sayerville · 08/08/2017 12:56

Yeah, maybe he's not excited but it's a freebie so I think I would be!
No, no set time, because it was on their terms anyway so I have just left it (and will do)

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LilaoftheGreenwood · 08/08/2017 12:58

Is it possible that your DD agreed to the £300 without really running it by him? And he's now a mixture of a bit resentful and trying to scrape it together?

I totally get that you were originally not asking for anything, but from his point of view it might look as if he was originally invited as a free guest and was suddenly told £300. That's quite a chunk when you're on a low salary, I buy my whole holiday for that.

bupa · 08/08/2017 12:59

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Original poster

sayerville · 08/08/2017 13:01

I know what you mean R68 but I do all of those things anyway!

Money is a sore point with us all at the moment, DD and DH had a massive row about her having an OD, apparently she went a bit mad after then end of uni and blew what reserves she had...she expected to recoup that but didn't get as much work as she'd expected.

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Original poster

sayerville · 08/08/2017 13:04

Lila Fully get what you are saying but they agreed from the start back in March when it was booked.

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Refilona · 08/08/2017 13:06

Well it's not really a freebie if he has to pay 300 pounds is it?
I'd personally rather stab my own eyeballs than pay that to go on holidays with the in laws and some other family. Especially as they are 21, they could have had the most amazing holidays just the two of them for 600+expenses which you say they will need to pay themselves.
I'd politely refuse to go if I was him.

peachgreen · 08/08/2017 13:09

Nope, it still reads to me like you offered to pay for DD's birthday and then withdrew the offer:

we have paid for DD and BF as her 21st birthday
So paying for both DD and BF was a birthday gift.

DD asked if they could contribute, we said yes that would be nice so we agreed on £300 each.
When DD offered to contribute, did she really expect you to ask for £600 of her birthday present back? Did BF know anything about it?

I don't think there's anything wrong with expecting adults to contribute to a holiday BUT you can't offer to pay as a gift, withdraw the offer and then be annoyed that they aren't paying! UNLESS your OP is unclear and actually you only ever gifted DD PART of the cost of the holiday?

ReanimatedSGB · 08/08/2017 13:09

He may well be struggling to find the money: times are very hard, especially for the young.
I think what you have to do is decide, now, whether you want to ask him for it or write it off. And if you decide to write it off, be sure that neither you nor your H make any sly little digs about generosity or stinginess when you are on the holiday, because that would be awful for everyone if the BF is constantly made to feel like a freeloader.

MrsFezziwig · 08/08/2017 13:09

Why are people finding the OP so difficult to understand??
Presumably the boyfriend was in agreement initially with paying the £300 as he sent the test amount to your bank account in preparation, otherwise he wouldn't have needed to do that. Therefore, either:

your daughter has misunderstood your generosity in letting her off the £300 & has told her boyfriend that it applies to him as well
he is trying it on
if he doesn't manage money well, then he hasn't got the £300 and is too embarrassed to say.

If he didn't want to go on the holiday or pay the £300 then he should have said so in the early planning stages. Personally, £300 for a £1500 holiday with other freebies thrown in seems like a bit of a bargain even if it's not exactly the holiday he wants.

peachgreen · 08/08/2017 13:11

@MrsFezziwig If it's £1500 for 4, his "share" is £375. So I'm not sure I'd class £300 as a bargain.

DD's birthday present has gone from £750 worth of holiday to £150...

Viviennemary · 08/08/2017 13:12

I think in hindsight in would have been better to make it absolutely clear from the start whether a contribution was expected. Did you mean your DD was to have the free holiday and bf was to pay a full share or a part contribution was expected from both of them.

They probably just offered to contribute out of politeness and/or guilt expecting you to say no, it's fine. And when you didn't they are finding it hard to raise the cash.

peachgreen · 08/08/2017 13:12

Oh my GOODNESS, I'm an idiot. £1500 EACH. Please ignore me entirely. What a numpty!

peachgreen · 08/08/2017 13:14

In that case OP is being v generous and BF should definitely pay up (as should DD!), haha. I've never been on a holiday that cost that much so I think my brain refused to process it!

tallfox · 08/08/2017 13:16

Not sure why you're prepared to let him off when it's your DD's birthday present and she's put money in.

I don't really get part presents, I wouldn't have accepted any money.

Original poster

sayerville · 08/08/2017 13:16

Thanks all for your comments, off out now, will be back later x

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worridmum · 08/08/2017 13:16

Can you imagine being invited on a holiday for free then being told to contribute tbh i would bow out as 600 would buy a far better couples holiday then one with inlaws

Queenioqueenio · 08/08/2017 13:21

You & dd have changed the goalposts on this, first it's a free holiday then he needs to contribute £300. Maybe he doesn't want to spend £300 on this.
I can't imagine a holiday with the inlaws is what I would have wanted aged 21.

rollonthesummer · 08/08/2017 13:25

-£1500 each?! Where are you going?!

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 08/08/2017 13:26

Hm. Split on this tbh, while I think as an adult, he should really contribute, it's you and your DD who have moved the goalposts and I'd be a little bit pissed off if I were him.
My ex in laws got me almost like this. Sold the holiday as a family one, they'd cover costs.. then changed to, okay I might to pay a bit... Then I ended up paying £850. For a holiday with my then-partner's parents.

tallfox · 08/08/2017 13:27

I've just carefully reread and it seems you've let your DD off the £300. As the joint holiday was her present I can see why he thinks he doesn't have to pay either. Sorry OP, but I think you've created this problem yourself.

Crinkle77 · 08/08/2017 13:31

I think that if you promised to pay for your daughter and boyfriend to go on holiday that you should have rejected her offer of a contribution or perhaps picked somewhere cheaper to go on holiday so they didn't need to contribute.

Columbine1 · 08/08/2017 13:45

Assume its to a place he could not afford to go so a £300 contribution is a bargain for him. He's lucky to get the holiday as part of yr DDs 21st present. I wonder if his DPs will reciprocate for yr DD.

My friend has a problem with DSDs bf - mid 20s & working despite being a perpetual student yet when they come stay for 2_weeks incl meals out, fares, hotels etc he pays for nothing - not even an icecream or coffee! And never helps with anything at home. I do hope yr DDs bf is nicer OP!

LilaoftheGreenwood · 08/08/2017 14:03

I've only just realised the DD has been let off the £300. I can see how he might assume this also applied to him, otherwise it would seem a bit weird, like he's being charged a supplement or something?

It's still very generous obviously, it just wouldn't sit well with me things changing to this extent with this amount of money involved. The "bargain" stuff is irrelevant, it's only a bargain if you can afford it and would have wanted to buy it anyway.

Viviennemary · 08/08/2017 14:07

I've just realised the DD has been let off paying. The whole thing is a muddle. You tried to do a nice thing I suppose and now there's problems. Next time make it clear from the start who is paying for what. And no I don't think he should pay anything under the circumstances.

Original poster

sayerville · 08/08/2017 15:15

Yes, I am doing a nice and generous thing, the whole thing is £6k! Holiday of a lifetime, and I hasten to add not something we'll be able to afford to do ever again. I have lost my Mum, dad a few years ago and brother this year and decided life is too short.

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