to learn to drive even though I really don't want to.

[JennyBlueWren]

I am in my 30s with a toddler and pregnant. My husband does not drive and has no interest in it.

For:
I would have more choice of jobs.
Could be more impromptu about day trips.
It is difficult up at my in-laws as there is no public transport near their house. When we have 2 children we won't all be able to fit in the car.
Being able to go to places I can't get to with public transport.
Being able to go for family bike rides by driving to places which are more child-cycle friendly.

Against:
I had a lot of driving lessons years ago but failed my test. I found driving very stressful and got anxious before each lesson.
Driving lessons take a lot of time up and I'll be tired out with pregnancy and I spend most of my weekends doing marking and planning (I'm a teacher).
Driving lessons are expensive. Money is tight but I do have savings I could draw on.
Cars are also expensive.
Where we live we have good public transport and I'm good at planning around timetables and connections. I don't mind waiting for half an hour in the rain.

I could leave it until next summer when I won't be pregnant but probably still sleep deprived but will have more flexibility of when to do lessons. But maybe I'm just delaying to try to avoid lessons as I dislike the thought of it so much.

So do I push myself to do it now -maybe one evening lesson and one weekend lesson a week, put it off to next year or maybe just leave it?

It sounds like you have built it up a lot in your mind, to be a much bugger, more stressful deal than it is/should be.

"Learning to drive" is really only about passing the test on the day. You really only "learn" when you are out and about driving yourself in real life without someone ready to jump on the dual controls if needs be.

I think the benefits of having the ability are so much bigger than not, you'd be a fool not to. I can't advise re timing though.

Is there a medical reason why your husband doesn't either? The same freedom and extra opportunities would apply to him as well.

YANBU to learn - life is so much easier if you can drive. I know a lady who, like you, tried to learn and found it very stressful so gave up. Years later she decided to try again and passed her test at 51!

I learned at 17 but to be honest I didn't enjoy learning at all - I just found driving difficult and stressful. I passed my test second time and didn't enjoy the first 6 months of driving but after that it clicked and I started to relax more.

12 years on I'm so glad I did it because we love rurually and getting out would be a nightmare without a car.

Could you do a 1 week intensive course while it's the summer hols? Even if you don't pass first time at least you will not need many more lessons after an intensive course.

I hope you manage to go for it!

If you find driving stressful, then I would advise against it. There are so many crap drivers on the roads now that it can be stressful even if you are a confident driver. I love to drive, but I would hate to have to try and learn now. Since I passed my test 28 years ago, traffic has probably quadrupled. There are huge advantages - but not if you don't enjoy it. If you are going to drive, you must be willing to drive anywhere - motorways, country roads, big cities, abroad - and you have to decide if you are willing to do that.

I totally hear you - I tried for a while and HATED it, was just so terrified of killing someone! My driving instructor also kept getting pissed off that I was so uncoordinated with the pedals which made everything worse. Like you though, my husband can't drive and probably won't learn so it makes sense for me to...I was thinking of giving it another bash but in an automatic just to reduce the stress a bit? Might be an option?

I didn't learn until my 30's. I also lived in an area with good public transport and work was walking distance but I had issues with my DD's father moving away and needing to facilitate contact and also my partner lived in a different area, about an hour away.
I HATED my lessons, I cried in every one of them and dreaded them so much. I passed on my second attempt and oh my, it is the best thing I ever did. I love driving, it's so much different going out on your own, my world has opened up and so has DD's because I can do so much with her now.
I've had another baby since passing and am so grateful I have my car. He was premature and I needed to travel to the hospital daily, I can get the kids out and about etc. I need to find a new job by the end of maternity leave and I have so many more options now. I'm a big advocate for going out and doing it, it was a life changed for us

Definitely do it. One of my biggest bugbears on here is people who can't drive who complain about their associated limited options. Whilst I totally understand that for medical reasons some are unable, there seems to be many others who live in remote places and then can't get to school, jobs etc and won't learn to drive. Obviously this isn't you, but am just saying that in many cases it's the simple solution and the pros generally greatly outweigh the cons, esp with DC. If you're really struggling, do try with an automatic. YANBU and good luck if you go for it!

You may have fabulous public transport links etc., but I swear to god, life is so much easier with a car. I hate driving and used to bus everywhere, but wanted to learn to drive before dd started school.

Still not a fan of driving, but opened up my opportunities and I couldn't do without my car now. It makes life soooo much easier.

I was a late starter in the driving department. I just had no need to drive when living in London. And quite frankly some of the driving I'd seen really put me off...!

But having two kids I can honestly say being able to drive is a life saver. It was one thing being able to bundle one child onto the bus/tube but no way would I handle two on long journeys.

Also there are so many things not near a station/bus stop. My dcs would really miss out if I didn't drive.

Find a sympathetic instructor. And take it easy. I took lessons when pregnant and it was probably easier than when the little one got there - it took more organising!

But don't build it up into a massive thing. Everyone finds it hard at first. Why did you fail your test? Was it nerves? It's such a stressful time! Take care

Oh and I was in my 30s when I passed. My mum was in her 50s (late bloomers in our family )

Definitely do it and get an auto.

I think you'd be mad not to do something that will make your life so much easier. If I were you I would do an intensive course. You already know the basics so you just need to brush up and get test ready. Maybe even do it in an auto.

I think if you live in an area with good public transport and don't intend to ever live anywhere else then there is no reason to learn to drive. I have friends who live in London and they have never learned to drive. It's not affected them at all. If they want to go somewhere you can't easily get to by public transport then they get a taxi. It's still much cheaper to do that a few times a year than to run a car.

We live rurally and it's almost impossible to function without a car. DS didn't want to learn to drive, didn't see the point etc. We insisted he learnt as it's a life skill if you live anywhere other than a big city and it's much harder to learn once you've left home. He did learn but still prefers to cycle everywhere he can. However, he takes part in a sporting activity where matches can be 30 miles away and he does admit it's really useful to drive himself there. It also means that, once he finishes uni, he will have a greater choice of jobs open to him as he won't be bound by needing to rely on public transport.

You are in the fortunate position of not needing to learn to drive so I would think carefully before putting yourself through the stress of doing so.

I passed my test when I was 18 then had a break where I didn't drive as I didn't need to and couldn't afford a car.

Getting back into it was really really hard, but I really pushed myself when I had my DS. I had refresher lessons but it took time to get my confidence up. I still don't massively like going somewhere new but having the skill has really opened up what I can do.

So would recommend doing it if you can, I don't think you will look back once you have done it.

I have a manual license but wish we had an automatic as it's just one less thing to think about, I found changing cars hard and getting used to the new bite etc but I think it's lack of experience. That said it may be worth considering learning in an auto as that's where cars seem to be going.

I passed in my 30s and am so glad I did. I love driving now. I passed on a manual but discovered autos thereafter - it's a godsend for people like me who lack coordination, means I can focus on the traffic around me without worrying about th clutch!

I would say do it. I learned after dc2 was born, and life is so much easier. I tried several times, failed a few tests and kept walking away from learning for a few years. In the end my dsf gave me a car, lovely little Aygo and I cracked it. I have a job now that I couldn't have got without driving which I love. Best thing though is being able to get in the car and go visit friends I couldn't get to before. I found learning really stressful, but I love it now. Can you do an intensive course? Get it done in a week.

I passed my test when I was 18 so can't really comment on what adult life would've been like without driving but I honestly can't imagine it. Especially with children and pets. Everything is so much easier in terms of planning. No struggles home from town loaded down with shopping. No waiting for buses/trains, having to get the buggy on and off etc. Being able to visit friends/family/have days out spontaneously. So worth it.

Ignore the person who says you 'must be willing to drive anywhere - motorways' etc etc

I passed at 30, hated lessons, driving is still a means to an end rather than 'enjoying' it. I don't drive on motorways, I hate them as a passenger let alone driving. I get around my town and neighbouring towns just fine. I'm perfectly good at driving, haven't had an accident in 10 years, and drive within my comfort zone, and am not a hesitant driver.

Like you, before I was a pro at public transport but with DD the benefits of driving are great. Friends with kids who don't drive are limited in what they can do, lifts are not always possible (too many kids to fit in car/no car seats) and public transport is much more of a pain.

I recommend it, you'll be pleased you did it as you kids get older.

Thank you for all your replies.
When I learnt before I did three weeks with up to two lessons a day but wasn't ready for the test so then I did a lesson every Saturday for 2 months until I was ready to take the test.
I failed on 2 majors but only one of those was down to nerves -I slowed down far too early for a junction. I was always a very slow driver and hated driving fast.

I think I will reapply for my provisional licence and look at driving lessons with an automatic. I suppose once I've done it I could get a car but wouldn't necessarily need to drive everywhere until I felt more confident (we don't live anywhere near a motorway). If it's too stressful/time consuming when pregnant then I'll pause and wait until baby can be left with dad for a bit.

Can anyone suggest anything for my nerves? I've got myself upset just considering this! Are some instructors better than others with nervous pupils?

I'm currently learning, 20 years after I failed my 3rd test. I've found every excuse under the sun over the years not to have lessons.

I promised myself I would drive by the time ds went to secondary school, and that is fast approaching, so I found an instructor (recommended by a friend) who is very patient and calming, and guess what - I am loving my lessons! Got my test booked, and I am terrified, but I feel completely different driving now.

Maybe book one lesson, see how you find it and take it from there.

I just passed my test last month and I'm 35...
I live in London so transport is really accessible, but I needed to do it for myself and the kids. Traveling to see family was getting too depressing in the cold weather especially, and the kids moaned about carrying their own luggage because as they got bigger so did the amount of luggage we all needed.

Yes lessons are expensive but I woke up on march 1st and decided to book my theory test. Then found myself an instructor, I had previously had a few hours with a male tutor years ago but never got off the back streets.

I had a two hour lesson with her and she told me not to book another lesson until I'd passed my theory. I passed that on the 13th of march and then started having 2hr lessons every week. I booked my practical on her advice for 3 months time, never expecting to be test ready by then, but I was! I failed the first test for something really stupid and I kicked myself for making such a bad error. But then rebooked a cancellation and passed two weeks later.

I bought a cheap old little car and I'm absolutely loving the freedom it's given us. We can't afford a holiday this year but just driving around going places that were previously a pain to get to has just become such a treat.

I think you should absolutely go for it 100%
My friend passed about a week before she had her first baby!

And you can change your driving test date by up to three months at a time, three times with no charge. So if it gets too close to due date and your not ready you can take your test afterwards...

So many reasons to go for it!!

Good luck...

One other little bit of advice would be to get a friend to go out with you, I had an amazing neighbour who let me drive her to IKEA and Sainsbury's once or twice a week and that really helped my confidence, she just added me to her insurance for a month.

Seems it's a fairly common theme. I learnt at 17, but absolutely hated it. Got up to test standard but the thought of actually taking the test made me feel sick, so I didn't.

Once I'd had my child I realised that it was something I actually needed to do. Public transport where I live is great, but not with a small child, in the rain, when it's running late and when you do finally manage to get onto it there is no space.

I changed the way I thought about the lessons, instead of worrying about them I told myself it was necessary and that I would learn and pass. Which I did. I can't say that I enjoyed me lessons, but driving by yourself, without someone watching everything you're doing is wonderful. Absolutely worth it.

Do it OP! Complete independence, not having to rely on lifts or public transport (which I find unreliable, looking at you Southern Rail) is incredibly empowering.
The ability to just spontaneously decide to go off somewhere is the best and will make such a difference to your life.
Also useful for emergencies if you need to get someone to the a&e but it doesn't warrant an ambulance. I find hospitals near me require several bus changes so no good really, you'd have to get a taxi.
Cars are also useful to carry stuff, weekly food shopping doesn't have to be lugged home on bus so you can take advantage of offers and not just buy what you can carry. I hate shopping so being able to do it in one go is a winner for me.
I was terrified learning as well OP but face your fear!

I am a hardened old public transport user and passed my test when I was 40..having half heartedly had lessons and tests over 25 years. I was always a nervy learner. My sister in law had hypnotherapy for flying anxiety..suggested I have a couple of sessions. I was very sceptical..didnt think it was for me..but decided to give it a go. Didnt think it would work/help/ didnt think I would be able to be hypnotised etc etc.
Hypnotherapist unearthed what was causing my anxiety and we worked on it. Next lesson and test...I passed...not because I was hypnotised...but because I had dealt with the anxiety in my sessions. I still believe I would have been stuck in the same anxiety loop had I not had the hypnotherapy. I'm still a sceptic..but do admit it did help me somehow change how I felt about driving.
You cannot know the future and what joys and challenges it brings..but being able to drive will be a big help in those future days. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Don't overthink it, just do it - it is such an empowering and liberating life skill, whether or not you get a car afterwards.

Yes, some instructors are better with nervous drivers so do shop around.

I was also a nervous learner but I love driving now (I drove daily in the year after passing my test so quickly became much more confident).