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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding plans

37 replies

SarahLouise849 · 08/08/2017 07:45

So me and my partner are getting married in just less then 4 weeks it has been a rushed process. We planned to have our two witnesses there and our daughter, we then asked his mum to come to take some pictures for us, then we told her that my partners brother isn't invited and she got real shitty with us and tried to guilt trip us into inviting him, how do I go about not inviting his mum now? I've talked about it with my partner and we both agree she isn't supporting the situation so we don't want her there but we live in her house (she doesn't live with us but comes over everyday to see our daughter, we are moving out in 2 months)

OP posts:
Skarossinkplunger · 08/08/2017 08:53

Is there a reason you don't want your families there?

MissBax · 08/08/2017 08:55

So you're uninviting her?? That sounds very petty. Could you just say "we want people there who are supporting our decision to keep it small, so if you don't support that it might be best you don't come" - she can then choose whether or not to come along (and not make a fuss).

PurpleDaisies · 08/08/2017 08:57

The trouble with having a wedding like yours is family will be upset that they can't be there to support you. Is your fiancé's brother sad he isn't invited or is his mum just angry on his behalf?

Original poster
SarahLouise849 · 08/08/2017 09:19

My partner is in the navy and unless we marry before he moves away we aren't able to go with him so we agreed to just have a tiny wedding in a registry office to get it done and when we can afford everything we want in a wedding we would renew our vows and invite everyone. His mum assumed she would be coming because she was the only one to know about as she saw some plans for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SarahLouise849 · 08/08/2017 09:20

My partners brother is a little upset but isn't causing any fuss about it as he understands it's what we want that matters, it's just his mum causing a fuss about it, when I mentioned my family wouldn't be there she was fine with that.

OP posts:
Skarossinkplunger · 08/08/2017 09:25

If he's available then why can't he come? I'd be devastated if I wasn't invited to my sister's wedding.

IvorHughJarrs · 08/08/2017 09:28

MissBax's response is perfect. It is your day

CoughLaughFart · 08/08/2017 09:30

You asked his mum to come 'to take the pictures'? Why not go the whole hog and invite his gran so there's someone to sweep up the confetti afterwards?

I can understand wanting a small quiet wedding, but this just seems unnecessarily mean. You need two witnesses, two family members want to do it - what's the problem?

Original poster
SarahLouise849 · 08/08/2017 09:31

We are planning on having a bigger ceremony in a few years, and we've said that's when all the family will be invited. We just wanted to get married no fuss.

OP posts:
Original poster
SarahLouise849 · 08/08/2017 09:32

We had already chosen our witnesses, the family members don't want to be witnesses they just expect and proper big wedding when that isn't what we wanted.

OP posts:
Skarossinkplunger · 08/08/2017 09:33

The mistake you've made here is inviting his mother in the first place, which you only did to take the photo's. If you didn't want any family there then there should be no family there. I can see why people are pissed off.

Having said that you've done it now, I really don't think you can I invite her.

livefornaps · 08/08/2017 09:36

It does sound a bit unneccesarily mean. Of course she's surprised your partner's own brother isn't invited! And now she's raised those concerns she's going to be booted too - after letting you live in her house & with her popping in to see her granddaughter every day? Sorry, but it seems you're relishing this situation a little.

How about just invite immediate family & then go to a restaurant afterwards; everyone pays for their own meal. If people can make it, great, and if they can't, they can't.

MaverickSnoopy · 08/08/2017 09:37

I get it. We did similar but we did invite a small number from either side of the family so all in all we had about 10 people there. Then we all went out to lunch and invited all of the family at a later date to a reception type event. Inviting a small number on the day itself meant that those closest got to be there. I understand if you don't want this and it's entirely right but it may well upset some people; only because they love you. It does sound like you have a secondary reason for not wanting a small number of people there. In practice it's really not complicated to have a no frills small wedding and just invite a handful of people, as long as people are able to understand that it's your wedding and your way.

Original poster
SarahLouise849 · 08/08/2017 09:42

I think family don't understand that it's our wedding so it is our decision who to invite. His mum is getting married a month after us and hasn't invited certain people to hers.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 08/08/2017 09:47

Does your DP want her there now or not? If he's decided not, then he needs to be the one to tell her. Don't let it turn into a you rejecting her thing, that way lies awful drama!

It's your day and you can have whomever you want there. You're right that only people who support not only you but the wedding you want should be there. It sounds like she might be kicking off about this out of general disappointment at it not being the day she would have wanted, but she's having her own wedding soon and making her own choices for that as you say so she should understand more than most people, and it's the day you want!

NewIdeasToday · 08/08/2017 09:54

You can't uninvite his mum now. Imagine how hurtful that would be to her? Imagine how you'd feel if your own child did that to you in 25 years??

orangewasp · 08/08/2017 09:57

Well you can't have your cake and eat it - if you wanted a small no family no fuss wedding you shouldn't have invited her to do the pics - it's like you're just using her.
Fwiw if one of my DSs got married and didn't invite his brother I'd be pissed off too.

LagunaBubbles · 08/08/2017 09:59

I cant believe you are even thinking about uninviting your partners Mum, how horrible! No matter how small the wedding you want - which is your choice yes, why wouldnt you have close family there just because you will do the bigger renewal (and it wont be a wedding) years later.

Hiphopopotamus · 08/08/2017 09:59

There's 'not inviting certain people ' and then there's what you're doing. It's not the same. I don't think having a wedding is an excuse to be completely selfish to be honest. Maybe try and think about how other people feel?

CoughLaughFart · 08/08/2017 10:01

It's all very well saying 'it's our day, our way', but throwing the groom's mother the bone of being 'allowed' to take the photos - then withdrawing it because she dares to question something - is just cruel.

It's a good job you're moving out soon I think...

LagunaBubbles · 08/08/2017 10:01

I think family don't understand that it's our wedding so it is our decision who to invite

Of course its your decision but you have to then accept the potential consequences of not inciting very close family members. And unless there has been any big dramatic fall outs etc why wouldnt your partner invite his Mum and brother?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 08/08/2017 10:11

If a very small ceremony is what you two want then why not.

However
we asked his mum to come to take some pictures for us and,
we both agree she isn't supporting the situation so we don't want her there but we live in her house (she doesn't live with us but comes over everyday to see our daughter, we are moving out in 2 months
That made me blink. I hope you can have the day you want without hurting her feelings.

Why not go the whole hog and invite his gran so there's someone to sweep up the confetti afterwards?
That did make me laugh.

Original poster
SarahLouise849 · 08/08/2017 10:11

We don't want it to be mean or anything like that, I know she will be upset and she already is but we have always said from when she found out it will be two witnesses only. Our mistake was to invite her to take pictures.

OP posts:
astoundedgoat · 08/08/2017 10:17

We don't want it to be mean or anything like that

But you are. You are being deliberately mean and rigid. If you want to throw a party for your wider circle next year, fair enough, but a renewal of vows besides being a bit daft anyway is NOT your wedding, and you are deliberately telling your immediate and most important family that they are excluded from attending your only and actual wedding.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/08/2017 10:20

The mistake you've made here is inviting his mother in the first place, which you only did to take the photo's. If you didn't want any family there then there should be no family there. I can see why people are pissed off.

I agree.

As his DM I would also be pissed of at being invited just to 'take pictures' tbh.

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