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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest it's time for my DG to go into a care home

44 replies

fuckery · 07/08/2017 21:04

Just that!
I'm a carer for my grandad who lives an hour away it started 18 months ago when he became forgetful and started to skip meals so I suggested I go up 5-6 times a week to make sure he's having at least one hot meal a day no body else in the family seen him skipping meals as anything to worry about, I just knew there was something not right, there's only me my DM and my DB.
Skip forward to now and he's been diagnosed with dementia and I would say is at stage 6 already 😭 as well as me we now have carers going 3 times a day to get him up changed etc. But he's only getting worse in the last 6 weeks he's been admitted to hospital 5 times through falling, he can't live with me we don't have the space and are in the process of selling our house, my mum just seems oblivious to it all! She's going on holiday soon and I don't know what to do, I've suggested he goes into respite but it's just fell of deaf ears, I don't want to sound like a selfish cow but if he falls why she's away I just couldn't cope, I have two DD's age 18months and 3 years.
I also should mention my gran (his wife) had Parkinson's dementia and has been in a care home for 3 years, this happened when I in the end had to ring social services as her and my grandad became at risk because of her condition and my mum wouldn't do anything.

OP posts:
StillDrivingMeBonkers · 07/08/2017 21:06

Call your local council safeguarding. Set the ball rolling.

TeenAndTween · 07/08/2017 21:07

YANBU. Would it work if he was in a care home in your town so you could visit more easily?
There is a whole board for elderly parents. I suggest you post there to get advice from people who have done this.

Slimthistime · 07/08/2017 21:08

I'm sorry to hear this
It sounds to me like he needs to be in a home but I don't know what your next steps are. Hopefully another poster will know, there's also an
Elderly Parents section?

ClandestineAdulation · 07/08/2017 21:08

How old is your granddad now? Unfortunately it sounds like his illness is becoming particularly difficult to deal with and, whilst you're doing all you can, he would likely have much more specialised, round the clock care in a home.

It's likely to have to get to that point soon, so YANBU.

Well done for doing all you have to this point, though. Flowers

AVY1 · 07/08/2017 21:09

If you think he's at the stage where that would be the safest place for him YANBU. Is the care home where your gran is somewhere that would accommodate a couple? I ask because in my youth I worked in one where we had two married couples who shared a room etc even though they had different reasons for being there.
Also, I think you have been wonderful for looking after him. It isn't an easy thing to take on xx

LilyWhites325 · 07/08/2017 21:11

In the nicest way possible , I think you should just ring social services. It sounds harsh but there does come a point where you just can't give someone the care they need/deserve, especially with dementia. You need to do what's best for your grandad, it sounds like your mum doesn't want to make that decision so you are going to have to unfortunately. People often don't talk about the pressure it puts on an individual caring for a loved one, not to mention when you have children of your own.
I've seen this from both a personal and professional point of view. Flowers for you op.

Original poster
fuckery · 07/08/2017 21:11

The saddest part is my Granada and gran are self funding and my grans home costs so much a week we just can't afford to have both them in there 😭
He's 78 now and he's basically lost dignity aswell as himself I'm totally devastated and my eldest DD is terrified of him because of the way he can act, they used to be so close

OP posts:
Tessliketrees · 07/08/2017 21:12

in the last 6 weeks he's been admitted to hospital 5 times through falling

And nobody from social services or health has been in touch?! That is an insane amount of admissions to not be picked up on by services. In fact I would be staggered if somebody hasn't been in touch with your DM about this.

Tessliketrees · 07/08/2017 21:13

The saddest part is my Granada and gran are self funding and my grans home costs so much a week we just can't afford to have both them in there

You can. Self-funding ends when somebody can't afford to be self-funding.

LilyWhites325 · 07/08/2017 21:13

Does he have a social worker/care coordinator ?

Original poster
fuckery · 07/08/2017 21:13

We've had occupational health around and one of the falls was actually this morning, I must admit I had thought the same myself I've been praying for to someone to do something and he's just forgotten about, well that's how it feels anyway.

OP posts:
Tessliketrees · 07/08/2017 21:14

What does your granddad say?

SleepFreeZone · 07/08/2017 21:16

Your mum seems to be burying her head in the sand and leaving you with the burden of care. When you say they are self funding, is this savings or has their house been sold?

Original poster
fuckery · 07/08/2017 21:17

Not very much about anything, hes very subdued and out of it. He won't even attempt to visit my gran with me anymore, he also suffers from depression. I mentioned the care home and he just didn't take me on.
No he doesn't have a social worker he's just flew under the radar.
He's on watch and wait for prostate cancer and we have an appt tomorrow for his blood results I'm just hoping they can put me in touch with someone.

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckery · 07/08/2017 21:19

It's savings as he lives in his home still, the care home is £1200 per week for my gran, were in the NW and it's the most expensive around the area but the only one who would accept her complex condition.

OP posts:
Flossy1978 · 07/08/2017 21:19

Yes. Get SS involved! I work in a Dementia Unit. Your GD sounds worse than some of my Residents!

You don't want to turn up at his place, only to have him missing and never found. Having likely walked off, gotten lost and succumbed to the elements. This happens more frequently than people realise, with Dementia.

Just ignore your Mother. Do what needs to be done.

Tessliketrees · 07/08/2017 21:22

I'm just hoping they can put me in touch with someone

Ring your local council. You don't need to wait for them.

Original poster
fuckery · 07/08/2017 21:27

If I ring SS again my mum would never speak to me again, if I don't I will be utterly guilt ridden. I've text and rang my mum so many times today to speak about this and she's ignoring me because she just doesn't want to face it 😭

OP posts:
Tessliketrees · 07/08/2017 21:29

Most care homes (indeed all I know of) charge different rates for local authority funded care and self funders, so take that £1200 with a pinch of salt. It may be the LA only has to pay less than half that to place him there.

My question would be why 5 falls in 6 weeks? WTF is going on?

Tessliketrees · 07/08/2017 21:31

Social services may be able to change the care package. Add a call, change the times of the calls, get him in day centre a couple of days a week. Calling them doesn't mean he goes to a care home.

Original poster
fuckery · 07/08/2017 21:35

When you watch him attempt to walk it's like his body has just forgotten how to do it, we only find out he's fell because of a careline watch he wears, the ambulance will come take him in, take his stats and discharge him again all within a day (most of the time) because they say there's no medical reason for his fall but careline going off means he's fell from standing height which paramedics always presume it means he's fainted. It's never happened when anyone's there so we just don't know how he's managing it.

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 07/08/2017 21:37

If he went into a care home the fees would be covered by the eventual sale of his house. I suspect your mum doesn't want to lose her inheritance.

SleepFreeZone · 07/08/2017 21:43

Do you think your mum is hoping to hang onto the house or is it just a case of not wanting to accept what is happening? You have some choices I believe. You could rent the house out and use the money to fund his care (I know this is very dependant on the condition of the house and what rebtniy could bring). You could obviously sell the house and use the proceeds to fund his care, perhaps using the savings initially until the house is sold.

What you can't do is just Samir until he really hurts himself as that's cruel, so you do need to ring SS even if that makes your mum angry.

Tessliketrees · 07/08/2017 21:43

You could contact social services and remain anonymous, the fact he has had so many admissions should be a trigger for a review anyway so DM needn't know anybody has called. This would not work if (like think they would have) they have already contacted her.

The other thing you could do is ask for a community matron referral. Community matrons help stop frequent admissions and the ones I have worked with are very proactive and know how to get shit done. They are health rather than social so maybe your mum would be okay with it?

What is your mums worry about social services? Is it that she thinks they will put in him a care home? Did they feel they were strong armed about your Grandma? There must be some reason shes avoiding them.

The other thing I would suggest is making some initial enquiries about getting him in the same place as your GM.

Shenanagins · 07/08/2017 21:44

Getting a social worker involved and putting him in a care home is the most loving thing you can do for him at this stage.

You could also trying to get in touch with the ot who should also be able to help.

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