AIBU? Judge mum bad mouthing my son in his earshot and now blanking me!

[craftycarls]

My son is quite challenging but has a lovely heart. At our village fete he over heard another mum (who's child is the perfect little angel) telling other kids not to play with him as he is not very nice. He is 6 and got really upset at this. Later she was being as nice as pie to my face( I didn't find out till later). I spoke to 2 close friends about this in the car park as was upset and she over heard and is now blanking me. My friends have said I should be the one ignoring her but I don't like confrontation and playground stuff so chose to get over it and move on. Things are now very awkward as she hasn't said anything to me about it. I'm not sure what to do. Half of me thinks I should get on with it as I was moaning and it's my fault, the other half thinks she shouldn't be so judge if a child she doesn't know in his earshot and I don't need friends like that.

What do you actually mean when you say your son is quite challenging? Can you give examples of his behaviour?

Depends what your child's behaviour is like tbh

Gosh it's all very playground. She was rude and unkind to say that about your son but you have the word of a 6 year old who could have been mistaken so I wouldn't put too much store by it.
If your son continues to be challenging people may end up not being bothered about his 'good heart' (whatever that means) but more about his behaviour and impact on others so I'd definitely make that my focus regardless if what you decide to do about the other mum.

If he's winding them up, there's nothing wrong with her telling them not to play with him (if they are kids she knows who have come to her about him). You're judging her perfect little angel so why can't she judge your challenging child?

Could you use this as an opportunity with your son to improve his behaviour?

If he doesn't like what the mother said perhaps this will motivate him to work on his behaviour?

He's very loud and hyperactive and doesn't listen. I'm always the one calling him at he park and doing the 1-5 count! But he's not nasty. And yes once I thought about it I thought should I be taking the word of a six year old but the damage was done by then. I'm not usually a gossip and get on well with everyone so I do feel horrible about it as do see her everyday in the playground. Not sure how to approach it though.

Have you considered that she might have a point? Maybe it's harder to see your dc's 'lovely heart' when they're acting up and being a bad influence.

The judging of her perfect little angel is because one of the friends I spoke to is actually her cousin and my best friend which is why I spoke to her for advice and those were her words. She said that she is judgy of her children too.

It depends. Was your son being challenging or not very nice at the time? I know I've told my kids to, "just stay away from him" before when they were getting exasperated over the domineering or physically rough behaviour of another child. Probably more than once. My kids don't especially like rough or aggressive play.

So you've gone getting all upset as something your 6yo related to you that he had heard. For all you know, if totally misinterpreted what she'd said. Maybe she was talking about another child, maybe she said to be careful when playing with him because he can some time be a bit boisterous and could hurt someone.

And to add...there are a few kids whom my kids are never really very happy to see, owing to the fact that they get rough or take over. They don't really care what's in those kids' hearts deep down...they just don't want to be grabbed, shoved over, shouted at or bossed around in the moment.

No he's not aggressive just loud and annoying. I have also told my children to stay away if another is being aggressive but not in the other child's earshot as at the end of the day they are kids and are still learning. I just tell my kids privately that they can play elsewhere if they're not happy.

Yeah, and maybe these mums don't want THEIR kids to be loud and annoying. Clearly your approach isn't working, so maybe this will.

Maybe your child wasn't being very nice.

He accidentally overheard something she was saying to her kids. I'm sure it was upsetting, but have you talked to him about being nicer on the playground? Kids don't see 'good hearts', they see dominating, loud behaviour that can upset them. I know I have told my kids to stop playing with someone that upsets them.

I know your first response is to Mama Bear, but maybe she has a point- can you turn this into a learning experience about the importance of listening and not being so dominant if he wants more people to play with him?

Quite likely she didn't intend him to overhear: after all, she overheard you, which presumably you hadn't intended. Surely you can't blame her from speaking in public about him when you did so yourself about her?

Yes the first thing I did was talk to him about his behaviour and I am on him straight away if I think he is being rude or unfair. My real issue is my intitial reaction was to be really upset but after speaking to my friends I felt calmer and decided not to say anything and move on.

I'd tell my DC to avoid the badly behaved child too..

Act your age and sort out his behaviour before anything else.

Are you th op coffee ?

Sadly 6yos don't care about hearts of gold or good intentions. They just don't. They just care about their game and being able to play it without interruptions or being bossed about. Keeping away from him can be for his own safety as well as one of the kids might finally have enough and become aggressive,which is not ok but I've seen it happen.
As harmless as you think this is, it's something you should work on with him for his sake and future social skills/interactions.

P.s If DD comes over and tells me x is annoying I've been known to tell her "Just play with someone else then". It doesn't mean that I judge or have any bad feelings towards x or her parents.

It is very confusing changing names during a thread, OP!!!!!!!

Look, OP, it's never very nice hearing something like that about your own child and even more unfortunate that your DS heard this but I don't think gossiping about this to two of your friends in the car park was the right thing to do and the fact the other mum is deciding to keep quiet is probably sensible.

All she is guilty of is telling her children not to play with your DS not realising your DS was listening in to their conversation. You don't know what was said before or after that.

I'd be giving your DS a big hug, whilst saying that this is what loud, dominating behaviour can result in.

I spoke to 2 close friends about this in the car park as was upset and she over heard and is now blanking me

She maybe thinks you were shit stirring?

And if the exchange with her son didn't happen the way your son said it did, she may be quite annoyed at being misquoted.

I changed my name as original is outing and don't want to be "shit stirring" publically so decided to change my name.