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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Judge mum bad mouthing my son in his earshot and now blanking me!

51 replies

craftycarls · 07/08/2017 17:26

My son is quite challenging but has a lovely heart. At our village fete he over heard another mum (who's child is the perfect little angel) telling other kids not to play with him as he is not very nice. He is 6 and got really upset at this. Later she was being as nice as pie to my face( I didn't find out till later). I spoke to 2 close friends about this in the car park as was upset and she over heard and is now blanking me. My friends have said I should be the one ignoring her but I don't like confrontation and playground stuff so chose to get over it and move on. Things are now very awkward as she hasn't said anything to me about it. I'm not sure what to do. Half of me thinks I should get on with it as I was moaning and it's my fault, the other half thinks she shouldn't be so judge if a child she doesn't know in his earshot and I don't need friends like that.

OP posts:

Coffeeelover · 07/08/2017 18:36

And everyone that keeps saying talk to my son read up! I will repeat that I did speak to him about his behaviour and trying to find a good way to sort it out with the mum without having an argument. That is the advice I am after. And my other two children are very well behaved.

LoyaltyAndLobster · 07/08/2017 18:40

I think it was very spiteful and childish of her telling the other children not to play with your son, in this given situation I would have let the children decide for themselves whether or not they want to play with him.

Coffeeelover · 07/08/2017 18:41

Thank you loyalty that is how I feel.

LoyaltyAndLobster · 07/08/2017 18:47

It's ok, I can't actually believe some of the comments here, OP son is a child with feelings too, I don't care how badly behaved another child is I would never tell DS not to play with them or go near them.

Sleephead1 · 07/08/2017 18:54

The thing is you dont know what was happening maybe her children where upset by something your little boy had done and where telling their mum and she said oh thats not very nice just stay away from him. It wasnt nice for your son to here and im sorry hes upset. She probably thinks you where slagging her off to your friends as she overheard you talking. I would contact her apologise if it seemed like you where talking about her but say what your son said and just say it upset you at the time and tbat why you where talking to friends. You do understand that perhaps your little boy took it the wrong way and would it be possible tp forget about it ect. Either way hopefully she be more discreet in front of children next time.

pictish · 07/08/2017 18:55

My kids can play with who they like...but if they don't like, I wouldn't force them...that's all I'm saying.
Perhaps her kids were moaning about him. Who knows?
I know my kids would say, "I don't want to play any more, xxxx keeps pushing (or whatever) me." and I would say, "just stay away from him then."

What's wrong with that?

ButchyRestingFace · 07/08/2017 18:56

I don't care how badly behaved another child is I would never tell DS not to play with them or go near them.

Never?

In my primary class, one of the boys - aged 7 - came in with a flick knife and spent the morning break chasing kids he didn't like around the play ground with it.

His invitations to birthday parties took something of a hit after that little escapade.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 07/08/2017 19:00

Yes he might be a challenge, but. He's your challenge. Any slagging off children the parents do it. Not some clique exclusive nasty cunt.
About her child being a Saint. How do you know. You only live with your own child. Its very easy. Very easy indeed for people to make out their kids are perfect.
This women is encouraging bullying.
By telling children not to play with your ds. She's excluding him. Which does come under bullying.

LoyaltyAndLobster · 07/08/2017 19:05

This women is encouraging bullying.
By telling children not to play with your ds. She's excluding him. Which does come under bullying

I totally agree with this, I hate any kind of bullying!

2014newme · 07/08/2017 19:08

Has he actually been diagnosed hyperactive?

TheRollingCrone · 07/08/2017 19:08

Who overheard the first conversation? Your ds? Are you sure she didn't say something like " if you all can't play nicely together, then don't play at all" or "if coffeelovers ds isn't playing nicely then find someone else to play with and stop doing my head in with tittle tattles ?
I'm pretty sure I, ve been guilty of saying both of the above to my dd before her own conflict resolution skills kicked in. Mostly because I can't abide tell-tales.
I always used to say to my dd : Is someone's life in immediate danger?
Is there blood or bones visible?
Has someone said something utterly hurtful or bodacious?
Are you the main villan in this story?
No? Then off you fuck go and sort it out calmly and kindly yourselves!

RebelRogue · 07/08/2017 19:08

@LoyaltyAndLobster I've had this conversation more than once:

Dd: mummy x is being mean/bossy/annoying/tickling me/wants to play x game.
Me: aww no,just tell her to stop and play something else.

5 mins later

Dd: x keeps doing "annoying thing". I told her to stop but she didn't.
Me: x,DD I'm sure you two can try and play nicely together,how about -insert neutral game here-

5 minutes later

Dd(kinda teary and whingy by now): mummy x keeps doing it bla bla bla
Me: oh just play with someone else then.

Sometimes if it's a repeat offender "go play with someone else" comes first, because she has some kids in her class that don't or won't understand "no", "stop" , "not right now" ,taking turns or worse that they can't dictate whom she plays with or what she plays with.

corythatwas · 07/08/2017 19:11

Awwlook, I tried to go along your line of thinking when ds was little: I was so terrified of encouraging any bullying or excluding that I absolutely insisted he had to carry on playing with my friend's boys who were very boisterous and intimidating.

It was only when he asked why I never invited any people to my house who hit me or thrashed my things or made me uncomfortable that I started realising that maybe I was expecting more of him than of myself.

Not saying that the OPs ds does any of the things I mentioned. But this whole idea that not playing with someone who makes you uncomfortable is tantamount to bullying means it becomes virtually impossible for a child who has internalised that message to escape from actual bullying.

RebelRogue · 07/08/2017 19:14

By telling children not to play with your ds. She's excluding him. Which does come under bullying.

So would you spend time with someone that you didn't like,was loud,obnoxious,took over,refused to listen to anything you say?

I want DD to be nice and kind. That does not mean she has to put up with anything and everything so she's not being considered a bully.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 07/08/2017 19:14

Yes but this women is telling all the children not to play with him. Not just her own child, so She is a bully. A big cunting bully. Pardon my language.

Coffeeelover · 07/08/2017 19:15

Thank you for the comments and sleepyhead that is really good advice as don't want things to be awkward at school. I'm not a childish playground gossip just protective ( not precious) of my kids and it does hurt when they're upset especially caused by an adult.

Neutrogena · 07/08/2017 19:16

Talk to the woman. That's how issues are resolved.
Listen with an open mind what she has to say about your son.
We're all blind to our children's flaws you see....

corythatwas · 07/08/2017 19:16

"Other children" according to the OP (who is only going on hearsay report from the 6yo in question). Not "all children". "Other children" could be as little as her own child and one friend, and we have no idea what preceded what she said.

RebelRogue · 07/08/2017 19:17

And OP talking to him about this incident is not enough. You need to work on his social skills. There are games where being loud and running wild is perfectly appropriate. There are also games where rules do count and you can't just jump in or do whatever you want and then expect everyone to accommodate you.

For example you can't jump in a game of football,decide you're the goalie,catch the ball and then run away with it cause now you're playing chase.

corythatwas · 07/08/2017 19:20

Sleepyhead's advice is very good. Basically, whatever the ins and outs of this particular situation, you want to be at the same time your son's teacher and his advocate, and you will perform both those functions better the more open and reasonable you come across. There may not be any major fault on either side, just crossed wires and mutual sensitivity. And of course she is quite likely to be as protective of her child as you are of yours. But even if she is a bullying cunt, it will still be to your son's advantage if you keep the moral high ground- because you have the rest of the parent community to think of.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/08/2017 19:20

I changed my name as original is outing and don't want to be "shit stirring" publically so decided to change my name.

Which makes absolutely no sense as both name are linked It makes it really difficult to follow too.

You need to work on his social skills

I agree.

RebelRogue · 07/08/2017 19:20

@Awwlookatmybabyspider well only OP can say more on this,but if the woman was talking to her kids and their friends all in a group then that's fine. They were probably moaning about her DS,warranted ir not.

If she walked around warning ALL children off then yeah it's bullying.

Only OP can confirm.

Sleephead1 · 07/08/2017 19:55

No problem op. I would be upset if i thought someone said that about my little boy and i would certainly keep a eye on situation incase she said more negative things about him but as you didnt hear what was said and son may have taken it differently i would try and smooth it over for now. If shes nice i imagine she will be relieved to smooth it over and will be more careful about what she says.

liveandletlive123 · 07/08/2017 20:00

I wouldn't tell my son not to play with another child. I think it is mean.There are other far more diplomatic and kinder ways of approaching such a situation. When there is a child annoying or misbehaving and it is impacting on my son I would talk to him privately and emphasis that all children have their ups and downs and maybe he could play another games elsewhere.

RebelRogue · 07/08/2017 20:26

maybe he could play another games elsewhere.

But that's the same as saying don't play with "annoying kid"?

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