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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not letting my 12yr old stay on her own

26 replies

Henrythehoover · 07/08/2017 17:16

For the next two weeks during the hours I work. I'm not happy with it as I feel she is to young to be left to her own devices for 6 hours a day. She does go out an about with her friends in the evening around the estate we live on but I'm home and so I am there is she needs me. Her brothers go to my ex mils during the holidays but she doesn't like going there so has been spending time with my mum and nan. Today ex mil was meant to have her but she refused to go and lol left her her at home for the day without telling me. I'm really annoyed and now dd is saying she wants to stay home all the time so she can go to get friends ect.

What do you all think? She thinks I'm massively u and that I treat her like a baby.

OP posts:

Original poster

Henrythehoover · 07/08/2017 17:17

Not sure what happens in the middle there was meant to say left her on her own.

OP posts:

BarbaraOcumbungles · 07/08/2017 17:18

I think you're being u and you are treating her like a baby. She's 12!

Why don't you try of for a few days and see how she gets on. There's absolutely no reason why most 12 year olds can't spend a bit of time on their own.

PUGaLUGS · 07/08/2017 17:19

YABU. Sorry.

clary · 07/08/2017 17:22

She will be fine. Most 12yos do this in the hols.

Original poster

Henrythehoover · 07/08/2017 17:22

The main reason I don't want her to us she brings back half the estate to mine. I've told her before not to but that's u too apparently. Maybe I've been really mean as she only really started going out a year ago.

OP posts:

PoppyPopcorn · 07/08/2017 17:24

I have a child of 12. I will leave them for up to an hour when I'm out and about, wouldn't for 6 hours every day for a fortnight.

Notevilstepmother · 07/08/2017 17:24

I think 12 is too young to be left for that length of time, and if she can't stop people coming round the house I definitely wouldn't allow it.

PoppyPopcorn · 07/08/2017 17:25

*she brings back half the estate to mine

So the deal is that if she stays on her own, she has no friends round. You are the parent.

threedayrule · 07/08/2017 17:25

Your 12 year old on her own is very different to several 12 year olds on their own in your house in my opinion. In a group away from anyone seeing them they are more likely to be stupid.

Trb17 · 07/08/2017 17:25

I work 30 mins drive away from home and can't imagine leaving DD who is 11 alone next summer. She might surprise me though but I doubt it. That said some 12yo are fine. Others are not mature at all. I think it depends on the child.

Trb17 · 07/08/2017 17:26

Ps no way would friends be allowed in the house either! That's a hard no imo.

threedayrule · 07/08/2017 17:27

I leave mine for an hour or two max at that age btw. She wouldn't cope longer even though she's incredibly sensible. I think it depends entirely on the child and the circumstances.

swingofthings · 07/08/2017 17:28

She really really really wants to be home. So make it very clear to her that you will only agree to give it a try IF you are totally assured that she is being reasonable. Then make a list of the rules, the first one being that she has to answer her phone each time you call and that to start with, you'll be calling every couple of hours.

Let her believe that you could come back at anytime, if that could be a possibility, or if not, that someone else will come and check on her.

Make it clear to her that she needs to earn your trust that she is mature enough to stay on her own every day.

monkeywithacowface · 07/08/2017 17:29

Based on the fact she refused to go where she was meant to today and she brings home people when you've told her not to I would say she isn't responsible enough to be left alone.

If you could trust her to do as you ask then I would say give it a go but tell her she's shot herself in the foot and needs to prove she can follow the rules you set before you contemplate it.

ScarlettDarling · 07/08/2017 17:31

I'd not leave my 13 year old home alone for 6 hours. He's sensible and capable but I think it's just too long to be left alone.

Sittinginthesun · 07/08/2017 17:38

It's hard asking us, as it depends entirely on your child.

I have a 13 year old boy, and I'm actually quite over protective, but I have been leaving him for 6 hours since last year.

He does have a local sports club that he goes to (he texts me when he's leaving the house, arriving at the club etc) so he's busy, but sometimes he just stays at home or walks to the shops. He sometimes has a friend over.

But, he is very mature. He's more sensible than most and he knows the ground rules.

If you trust her, then fine. If you don't, or think she'll be led astray, then I wouldn't.

swingofthings · 07/08/2017 17:40

He's sensible and capable but I think it's just too long to be left alone.
Just out of curiosity, can I ask why? Are you worried he could get into trouble, or that he would be bored. If worried about getting into trouble, what difference does 6 hours make compared to 1 hour?

If worried about being bored, then surely it's about discussing what he can do. Giving a number of chores helps passing the time a lot!

NC4now · 07/08/2017 17:43

Totally depends on the child. I'm happy leaving my 11yo for a couple of hours but only just able to leave my 14yo, with a strict list of rules.

KimmySchmidt1 · 07/08/2017 17:46

It sounds as if the problem is that your DD is badly behaved and disobeys you, and you therefore dont trust her (rather than that you are worried for her safety on her own).

I think you need to find a way to be able to trust her not to bring half the estate back, rather than worrying about whether you are being unreasonable. It is reasonable not to trust someone who has betrayed your trust in the past.

ScarlettDarling · 07/08/2017 17:46

Swing I just think it would be a long day for him. I'd worry that he'd be lonely!! I trust him and have no worries that he'd get into trouble, he's very sensible. He's often home alone for a couple of hours, after school for example, but never for a full day.

BackforGood · 07/08/2017 17:51

The issue here isn't so much her age, as the fact she hasn't shown you she will follow the 'rules' set - the fact she invites all and sundry in, and the fact she didn't go with the arrangements you had made for the day.
You need to explain to her about earning your trust - so maybe she can be left on her own next holiday, once she has shown she can sick to the rules you've set.
If she can't stick to the rules, then no, she is not grown up enough to be left home alone for hours every day.

scrabbler3 · 07/08/2017 17:58

It's fine to leave a sensible 12yesr old alone for 6 hours. However, her inability to say no to gatherings at home in your absence (which I agree are not ok) would concern me so I'd question how sensible she is. I think you need to set some ground rules and try it out, making it clear that any transgressions will result in not only the indefinite loss of "home alone" privilege, but a tech ban as well. That should focus her mind. She has to prove herself.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 07/08/2017 19:44

YANBU. Even if she is a sensible 12 year old I am afraid that 12 is too young to be left alone .

Woopzies · 07/08/2017 19:47

If she was the kind of DD that just stays at home, watches TV and plays games - can make food herself, etc, I'd not object.

But if it's common practice for her to go out, see friends, etc. and she plans to do this whilst you are at work and are unable to get to her if needed, I'd say YANBU.

Isetan · 07/08/2017 19:50

No, especially given her form for having her mates round despite being told not to. However, I'd used her desire to your advantage and let her know that if she had behaved responsibly and followed your rules earlier, it might have been different.

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