AIBU or is DH controlling/tight?

[strobmrs989]

I'm a sahm of 4 dcs.. DH works very long hours in a stressful job - often away. He earns a very good 6 figure salary with, for the last few years, a 6 figure bonus. Last year, we bought a 1.1m house with no mortgage. I'd estimate that DH has at least 200k in savings. So yes, I do know I'm extremely fortunate and I know that many people are financially worse off.

I am given a monthly allowance for food shopping/day to day stuff/kids things/clubs etc. Anything else, new clothes, larger expenses, I have to ask for. For example, I need a new pair of winter boots/could we please have a day out this weekend/we need some new lamps for the bedroom etc... all of our savings are in DHs name, I don't even know where he banks. He is very well known for being 'frugal', we drive a pretty shit car, because he thinks they are an unnecessary expense, he often complains about how expensive everything is. I have to run every larger expense by him. I couldn't book concert tickets, or a show for the kids, unless I asked him first, because I literally don't have the money to do it. Every budget, car, holiday, birthdays etc is set by him and always ridiculously small!

I manage the dcs alone almost all of the time, we are without him far more often than we are with him, as his job comes before everything else. I do every school play/parents evening/sports day by myself. I feel that as we are in this financial position, we should enjoy life a little more, rather than constantly having to save for the future. If I try to talk to him about the situation, he generally gets cross and says that he spends a fortune and makes me feel ungrateful. I feel that I should know where our savings are (and have access to them!) and be consulted in the decision making process! AIBU in thinking I should have more control over my life?!?

Oh my god. You are his handmaid. A paid one, when he is feeling generous.

GET OUT!!!

Do you want you kids growing up thinking this is a normal, healthy relationship, repeating this pattern?

He's treating you like paid staff who get an allowance and have to account for every penny. How on earth can you stand to live like that?

It's so hard to explain, if I read a post like this about someone else, I'd probably say the same thing as most of you are.. He can be very nice sometimes, usually after I've told him I'm unhappy and not sure I can carry on.. then things slip back. No one in my life knows how things are, I'd be embarrassed for my parents to know the truth.

My parents had a horrible divorce, my younger brothers particularly found it very hard to cope with. I have a more, stoic nature, maybe and tend to just get on with things, but seeing the effect it had on my siblings, myself to an extent, made me feel that I didn't want to put my children through it.

Plus, I know if I left him, he would make my life hell and fight me for every penny, he said once he'd leave his job just to spite me so that he didn't have to pay me maintenance. He is also very good at talking me round, and explaining it's just because he loves me so much and likes to take care of me, so that I don't have to worry about anything. As I write this, I know I sound like an idiot.

If you're not going to leave this abusive marriage, then tell him you're getting a job so you can buy/do things without his say so like normal couples do.

Then get a job.

You know this is unacceptable. So what if he leaves his job, seems as though there are plenty of savings to go around. More than enough for a fresh start for you and the kids.

See a good solicitor and explain the situation exactly as you have here, particularly his threats re money. They will be able to advise you properly. Do not let him find out until you have a solid plan. You don't have to ltb if you don't want to, but please seek advice to help you make an informed decision.

You are being controlled and abused financially and psychologically - this doesnt sound like someone with a penny pinching personality type - sadly unlikely to improve as you are locked in this dynamic - contact womens aid for advice and a solicitor before you make any further moves would be my advice. Change is scary but isnt the thought of waking up in ten years time in the same situation

He'd leave a job paying over £100k to spite you. He's a charmer, isn't he?

Sounds super controlling.

For a start set up another account and ask him to say pay in £500+ a month to cover those extra expenses

I doubt he would leave his job but even if he did, you'd still walk away with at least half the assets, so over 500,000.
What sort of area do you live in? Could you buy a property and have some left over to live on, while you get a job?

You need complete access to all accounts - get the online banking details from him.
You need to know exactly what is coming in and what bills are. Food, kids clothes/activities/days out and family holidays need to come from this money.
You need to jointly decide how much is going into family savings each month, and it needs to be in both your names.
You both need to have an equal amount of personal money each month which you are free to spend or save.

He can only earn the money he does because of your labour. Its just as much your money as his.

Do you love him or the money? I can tell you for certain that he loves money much more than he loves you and his children. He will happily go from being able to buy a £1.100,000 house cash to being unemployed just to spite you??

He is awful. You have to leave him, you will be so much better off - you and your children - financially and emotionally.

Get your ducks well in a row before you leave. My £175,000 a year ex apparently only earns £330 a week. Shame I have copies of all his contracts for the last 13 years. He thought I wouldn't be able to afford to fight him in court. My lawyer is so confident he will end up being responsible for all costs she has only charged me the court fee. You sound very low and without any confidence. Tell us what you did before you were married

If nothing else, try and access as much financial info as possible. Explain you're a team, and that the financial stuff should be accessible to you. Then see what he says...

It will be easier if you get legal advice, if you have some idea of your true finances.

(Sorry. Lots of 'finances' )

Before MN I never realized how many women are still living in the 1950's and accepting an allowance- I find it unbelievable.

Equal access to all family money and savings or it's over.

Definitely do some snooping around before you take any action. Do you know where he keeps financial documents? Can you make some copies while he's away? Even if you decide to stay you should make sure you access as much of this stuff as possible and keep it stashed safely in case you need to use it down the line. Did you google " Coercion and control" ? It's all considered domestic abuse now. Did you know that? I think you need to think of the impact of raising your children in that kind of environment and be realistic about the impact this may have as they get older. What are you teaching them? ( Mum can't make decisions on her own... she needs Dad to decide everything). You also mustn't let somebody else's bad experience colour your judgement. My parents divorced and I haven't been damaged beyond repair and it wasn't always amicable.