AIBU or is DH controlling/tight?

[strobmrs989]

I'm a sahm of 4 dcs.. DH works very long hours in a stressful job - often away. He earns a very good 6 figure salary with, for the last few years, a 6 figure bonus. Last year, we bought a 1.1m house with no mortgage. I'd estimate that DH has at least 200k in savings. So yes, I do know I'm extremely fortunate and I know that many people are financially worse off.

I am given a monthly allowance for food shopping/day to day stuff/kids things/clubs etc. Anything else, new clothes, larger expenses, I have to ask for. For example, I need a new pair of winter boots/could we please have a day out this weekend/we need some new lamps for the bedroom etc... all of our savings are in DHs name, I don't even know where he banks. He is very well known for being 'frugal', we drive a pretty shit car, because he thinks they are an unnecessary expense, he often complains about how expensive everything is. I have to run every larger expense by him. I couldn't book concert tickets, or a show for the kids, unless I asked him first, because I literally don't have the money to do it. Every budget, car, holiday, birthdays etc is set by him and always ridiculously small!

I manage the dcs alone almost all of the time, we are without him far more often than we are with him, as his job comes before everything else. I do every school play/parents evening/sports day by myself. I feel that as we are in this financial position, we should enjoy life a little more, rather than constantly having to save for the future. If I try to talk to him about the situation, he generally gets cross and says that he spends a fortune and makes me feel ungrateful. I feel that I should know where our savings are (and have access to them!) and be consulted in the decision making process! AIBU in thinking I should have more control over my life?!?

it would break their hearts if we separated and I'd never forgive myself

You don't know that they'd be broken hearted. & they barely see their dad anyway

Why would you need to "forgive yourself" are you venting but looking for a reason and excuse to stay?

Your DCs won't be young forever. They will grow up quicker than you think. Don''t be under the illusion that they will definitely laud you for remaining with their miser dad and being miserable, "for their sake". It hardly ever goes like that and you often find the grown up DCs (actually, by the time they are teens and forming their own strong opinions and have seen and heard him talk to you as if you are nothing, and you accepting it) actually don't want to hear it.

Neither will they be constantly there and around you to salve your misery. In those future years as you grow older being treated like the maid by your husband, and weeping that you've wasted years of your life in unhappiness. It will be just you, and him. Can you envisage that?

You have a chance to quietly get advice get all info you need to hand, and to make a life for yourself and DCs and leave your DH to line his coffin with his money. If you decide to stay then its on you and would be best if you find a way to have access to the money of the marriage. It doesn't seem asking him will work. Write him a letter maybe

Better that the children live with a mother who is happy, who can buy them needed shoes without having to go to their dad with a begging bowl, and who can take them out for the day whenever you want to. Oh, and they won't have to put up with their dad's bad moods.

You will be better off financially and emotionally if you divorce. Starting point for the division of the assets is 50/50, (including pensions) but as you have 4 children, you would likely get a larger share. And then you would also get child maintenance. On his salary, that would be a substantial amount.

He is being financially abusive, don't stay in this marriage because you think it would be detrimental to the children if you divorced. It would be detrimental if you stayed.

When you ask for extra money for additional things do you get it? Maybe you should discuss having a larger amount of money given each month so youre having to ask. Explain how it makes you feel

Whilst i agree he is being controlling, i wouldnt say he is being abusive. Being able to buy a million pound house for cash is fucking impressive so i would say he is managing family money well and providing well for his family.

Sorry you're going through this OP - of it helps, my husband was like this but changed. Happy to talk if you want to PM me.

Any talk of 'allowances' bothers me. You should be a partnership and your role in looking after your DC is important and deserving of respect too.

It sounds like your DH might have some issues to work through. Does he come from a less well off background? Would he be willing to get some help to address his controlling nature if you explained how difficult you are finding this? My next step would depend on that.

To me it does depend a little on the allowance.

My dh is v similar. We live in a house bought by him with no mortgage and he has money/assets/investments with his family and he's extremely tight.

However we have a joint acc where we both put in money and about once a year sit down and discuss the budget. If I want a larger purchase we sit and agree it.

To be honest the reason I'm not a sahm is because I think his attitude would get me down if I was totally reliant upon him. As it is I see it as a positive because To be fair to him he's doing it to pay for our kids education, his parents and our financial security and our kids inheritance. I've actually learnt a lot from his ways and got myself out of debt. But by having my own money I can still buy the odd handbag or braves for my teeth (my two purchases so far this year he'd have deemed unnecessary)

OP, a wise person once said that you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm, and as selfish as it may sound, that includes your children. They will not thank you later in life for staying with a man who treats you this way. I'm not advocating that you LTB but at best you need to have a serious talk with him about finances and explain that it's not in fact the 1950s. SAHM or not, a marriage should be a true partnership and a united front, not one person begging for money to take the mutual offspring out for the day.

Yeah you need to be able to talk to him and you should be a team. There's no equality in your relationship or his behaviour towards you.

He is controlling you through finances.

Personally i would expect there to be a monthly budget for food, extras etc. But agreed jointly.

I would expect to make decisions, jointly, on big purchases. But sounds like he wont agree to anything.

Surely a big million pound house isnt a need either. Seems like he pick and chooses what is need.

You certainly should have access to savings etc.

Personally i would divorce him. If you dont want to do that start and he wont change. Start charging him what he would have to pay someone to do everything you do.

I would consider that financial abuse.

By living with this you're telling your children that this is the model for family life. That it is okay to treat a partner like this. You are teaching them that stay at home wives are staff members only and don't have a say in what happens. This may be because he had this model growing up and doesn't realise he's being abusive - only you and he can know if he can change his model of behaviour. Your allowance would only be anywhere near acceptable if it remunerated you properly for your job - Google it. Studies have been done and because of the hours and variety of jobs (nanny house keeper chef cleaner prostitute) it's circa £80k. Even then though - marriage is a partnership and should not be transactional.

There was another post recently where mil in her 70s was having to have her son pay for her mobile and other normal household things as husband was too controlling with his money and she only had small pension . You have normalised this behaviour - you have become a housekeeper probably being paid below minimum wage - it is financial abuse and if you ever want to leave he is making as difficult as possible by giving you no access to joint money - you need to start demanding more equal access now or get clever and start squirelling money away now to pay for a lawyer as it sounds like he will be able to fund an expenisive one and not you

I can understand him not wanting shell out loads for a new car. The rest of it is rather off.
Do you love him with all your heart? If no, leave him.

I hate to admit it to myself, even on mn, but I would guess his behaviour in other areas may be considered controlling.. for example; If I went out with the girls, I'd have to be home by a certain time, say midnight, or there would be trouble. I couldn't be friends with a man, or go out in a group of mixed-sex friends, unless the men were DHs or DPs of said friends. I've never been on a girls weekend since we've been together, because he doesn't like the thought of me being away or 'people chatting me up' plus I wouldn't be able to pay for it without his sanction, lol! If I'm unhappy about something, I have to really think about the right way to tell him, or he just walks away and ignores me.
Though, I've had a few bouts of quite bad illnesses over the last year or so, and he has been absolutely wonderful.. but I've thought a few times that in some way he likes me being prone at home, which sounds odd indeed, I know. Mostly I just try to make the most of life, but when I let myself think about it the doubts that this isn't an ideal situation just overwhelm me.

If you leave you will have at least £550k from the house. You are alone already. You are a single parent. His child maintenance will be enough for you to live on whilst you retrain. You and more importantly your children are worth more. I stuck with this until my children were grown up. They tell me they would rather have been poor than lived with me being unhappy

This ^ 100%.

And after your last post OP, definitely get out of this marriage. As has been said, you will be awarded shed loads. Get a lawyer now, and construct an 'unreasonable behaviour' plea for divorce.

As a PP said, your kids won't be there forever, and you will be stuck with this man, with no access to money, and no career.

Gosh
Could you tell him that you want to do a little part time job so that you have a little money you can spend on yourself without feeling like you have to ask for money?

It wouldnt need to interfere with your duties as a sahm. Something like 10 hours at the community centre, 5 hours of book keeping, selling arts and crafts, eBay buy and sell.

If he objects and belittles this idea, ask him for an additional £100 a week that you would be able to use freely?

Divorce the twat and you will get your own home and enough of his money to live off without having to beg for handouts.
I could tell he was abusive before you mentioned the other controlling behaviour. Of course he likes you ill and stuck at home. He has you where he wants you.

And seriously why do you think your kids would be heartbroken?

What do you want from your life? I'd be put of there like a shot.

Op

You have nothing to fear. You need to tell your dh that he needs to change his approach towards the family finances and that if he doesn't you will consider your position within this marriage.

With money like yours you should not be worried about where the next pair of shoes are coming from.

I'd rather live in a cheap house and be afforded luxuries to enjoy life.

He won't change of his own accord so it really is down to you to speak up.

Well it does sound controlling and I'm not sure at what point that would tip over into abuse. Personally I would find it intolerable but I work, and even during my maternity leave had my own money to dip into.Have you tried to address this matter with him and what does he say to justify this approach to family money? As my therapist mother would say money is the " business" of the relationship, the nuts and bolts. Before you make plans for leaving I think you need to have a proper sit down meeting with him to try and address the issues with him. You might want to start off discussing the lack of pension for yourself or the kids university fund or something else as the premise of the meeting. Once there though you need to express the concern that you have about the lack of transparency and your feelings about the current arrangements. Something like. " having to ask you for money all the time makes me feel vulnerable." " if something happened to you I wouldn't even know where the bank accounts were" " I feel that you don't trust me to make financial decisions without you". " I want my own access to family money - I am not a child". Once you've made your feelings clear you need to sit back and pay close attention to his response. If he makes excuses or only tiny concessions ( upping your allowance by only a few pounds) then you have your answer. He does not want to to hand over any control to you and is unlikely to change I would say. Personally I can't see the benefits to you of staying with someone who doesn't use his great earning power to enhance the lives of his family. I'm not talking about fancy cars and designer handbags But amazing trips and experiences that would bring you together and maximise the family time. I never say " LTB" but in this case you might actually be better off financially and personally if you did split up. Sorry.

Oh I've just seen your update.... HE IS abusive. Look up the term " Coercion and Control" which describes your relationship perfectly. I would die of claustrophobia if I was in your position. Still have the meeting though because you need to spell out very clearly that you are unhappy with this situation and give him the opportunity to change. If he doesn't your decisions are much clearer cut.