To think I'll have to have an elective c section or labour alone?

[Mosquitoburrito]

WWYD?

This is my second child. I had an emergency c section first time and got sepsis as a result. This time I am so worried about how I am going to manage not disrupting my very attached 3 year old'sneeds and so desperate not to have abother Emergency c s that I haven't really imagined I might try and deliver naturally. However, I really am not sure about an elective particularly as, whilst it is that much more predictable regarding even baby is delivered, recovery time is not and my son as I said is very demanding of me.

The last midwife I saw told me that if I go overdue ( I did previously) I will get an emergency c section anyway as they can't induce me ( my age, previous emergency c section?). This makes me think I should book an elective.

The other depressing reason is that I have no one who can help with my son if I go into labour spontaneously, only my husband. My in laws are overseas, my parents too elderly, no other family nearby and no friends I could ask, I don't want to hire someone my son hardly knows at a time when he will be feeling disrupted. My husband says maybe I could ask my mum to support me during delivery as he will Probably have to stay with my son. I really don't think I'd want my mother there as I always worry about her and hurting her feelings some way. I feel let down that my husband seems so ready to let me cope without him. All this makes me think an elective is really my only option? AIBU?

I really don't think I'd want my mother there as I always worry about her and hurting her feelings some way

How would you hurt her feelings when you're in labour?

Even if you did say something terribly inappropriate, surely you can blame it on the G&A??

How old is your mum?

Are you quite an anxious person generally?

I think YANBU and that actually your 3 yr olds life will change quite a bit anyway so waiting for you to recover might not have much of a bigger impact if you see what I mean.

But... are you sure there is nobody you can ask? I mean, this is the kind of favour I would do for an acquaintance at the school gate assuming our kids knew each other. So you might not have to set the bar too high on that one!

Also if you don't want to hire anyone for our son, could you hire a doula for you so you can be accompanied in labour?

Don't be mad at your DH for not being there though. It sounds like you both want what's best for your DS. Unless there's something else going on to make you think there's another reason?

My mum is late 80s. She'd irritate me and I'd worry about getting cross with her. Yes I'm an anxious person, not fearful but anxious if that makes sense.

I've idled on this scenario when thinking about a second baby (Velcro dd currently sleeping next to me...) and decided that I would scrape together every penny to hire a doula, is that an option? You've also got the advantage of having someone with experience there to navigate the professionals for you.

My birth was induced and lots of intervention and to be honest I really wish I'd had a doula then. Dp and I were both a bit overwhelmed to navigate the experience positively.

My mum is late 80s.

Well, that is quite old. Not sure I'd put the responsibility for supporting me through labour on someone of that age either.

Maybe your husband sees you as very capable and so doesn't second guess you?

I think he feels that I didn't appreciate his input during my first labour as he's a medic and I felt quite a lot of pressure to be a good patient and wasn't happy about my treated in the end ( I felt I would have been less compliant abs felt more in control had I not felt pressure from him). Over and above that though I think he just doesn't know how it would be possible for him to leave our son and come. I gag thought about a doula but honestly even the word irritates me. I have no real experience of them I just imagine some woman in harem
trousers telling me how to breathe. I get anxious about feeling that I have to please people or risk hiring their feelings and I'd feel that way about my mother, a doula or whatever. I just feel pretty lonely about the whole thing.

How far on are you in this pregnancy?

Speak to your MW about your concerns.
Consider a doula?
Would a friend be on 'stand by' for minding your DS while you and DH welcome the new addition to the family to this world (that is what we did)? DSs1 and DS2 aged 6 and 5 at the time, did not bat an eye lid when they woke up in the morning, mummy and daddy was gone, and one of daddy's friends was in the spare bedroom . They did not even ask where we were, but got our friend to make them pancakes for breakfast
Discuss your delivery options - if you'd prefer an elective section (it makes the timing very predictable and allows for much easier planning) then talk though the pros and cons of that. Having sepsis once does not mean you will have it again.
If you'd prefer a natural onset of labour and a vaginal delivery, then discuss the pros and cons of VBAC.

Have a preferred plan, have a Plan B, and then still stay flexible.
Be confident and upbeat to your DS about the new sibling.
Talk to him what it is going to be like, happy and excited but don't lie. Tell him babies might arrive in the middle of the night, they will cry a lot, they won't be able to play with him to start of with, they will take a lot of mummy's time, but how lucky you are to have such a big boy by your side. Involve him, ask his opinion on toys, the baby's cot/room or whatever (but don't ask any questions you are not prepared to accept the answer - we never asked for any input re new baby's name for instance ).

V best of luck.
You need to speak to RL people about your concerns.
Your birth partner is there to support you, so if you don't feel that person is your mother, then don't have her there.

I was induced as a vbac, they can induce but it's by balloon and was literally the worst experience ever! Wouldn't recommend, oh and btw it didn't work and ended as an emcs but I'm sure it works for some people. So I had another emcs and 3 kids to look after (as a single parent) it was fine tbh.

Sorry I HAVE thought about a doula not I gag thought ( Freudian slip perhaps)

We asked two friends if they would be willing to babysit ds1 when i was in labour. He would only settle to sleep with me at the time, aged 2, not even dh and had never been away from me.
We asked a child free couple and a friend who had a similar aged dd and were in the same situation. With the idea that we would send for mil when i went into labour. She lives 4hrs away. Anyway ds1 woke up when i started labour at 1am, due to the moving about. Friend came to sit with him and basically read him stories all night and showed him videos on the tablet. Ds2 was born at 6am and dh went home after the checks were done and i had showered. I wanted to leave too but they wanted to check for infection so ended up waiting til 8pm. I was more worried about getting back to ds1. We bout friend an expensive bottle of whisky as thanks.
Anyway try asking a couple of friends if they would be willing to help.

Definitely hire a doula/birth partner. Unfortunately when you're in labour and a bit after, the older child/ren have to be cared for by someone else. Maybe hire someone before the birth, get DS into a routine with them so when the birth happens all is familiar. I had DD as a LP and had a doula. Planning baby #2 (both donor sperm) and will be hiring night nanny and doula so I can keep sleep routine going with DD. If you haven't got family/friends help I'd hire help, not try to cope alone. I'd personally book planned c section under those circumstances. At least you'll have a 'B' day and have everything in place. Try not to worry though youve done it once you can do it again. Tell DH how you feel so he can support you x

Evidence based VBAC info

I had an emcs first time and had an elective section booked for in case I went overdue with my second - so I had a chance to try a vbac but had an elective booked in ready in case I didn't go into labour naturally. Could you do That?

ButchyRestingFace plenty of us wouldn't want to have our mothers around when we're in labour. I don't feel relaxed around my mother, which isn't that uncommon, and being anxious slows labour right down.

Doulas come in all sort of types - some more harem-trousery than others

Ok, consider an independent midwife? As your advocate and supporter during labour, not your MW as such, IYKWIM?

Also, consider some help with confidence and 'allowing' yourself to put your needs first. You need to stop trying to please everybody else. IME that is impossible in the throes of labour - labour takes concentration and focus and all your strength. You cannot be mindful of somebody else's needs when you are in labour.
Your DH needs to up his game. Medic or not, he is there as your husband and the father of the new child, not to throw his professional might around .

Has anyone mentioned homebirth yet?! Obviously dh would have to stay behind in event of being transferred but it could be a good solution (yes I read the vbac bit but that doesn't mean it can't happen)

ButchyRestingFace plenty of us wouldn't want to have our mothers around when we're in labour.

I didn't suggest that OP's anxiety was linked to not wanting her mother around whilst she was in labour.

But thanks for pointing out the obvious.

Thanks for all this he advice. Honestly I feel like if you're have another c section I will have missed out on something? I think there's pressure around this which is not helpful- like breastfeeding. I really feel friendless these days as my closest old friends do not have kids and seem to have totally lost interest in our friendship now and my new mum friends have their own kids to look after and I don't really know them well enough to ask for help. Dogwood my son is not at a stage yet where I can explain this to him/involve him- he is only just putting sentences together. He also can have terrible rages in the morning if things ar not as he expects them and I worry about him waking to someone he doesn't breakout know. We really are v isolated as a family. 10 green apples your experience makes me feel like I could cope too.

May I ask what age you are OP? I didn't realise she was a factor in induction.

I would probably go for the elective CS but it really has to be the option that you are most comfortable with.

Honestly I feel like if you're have another c section I will have missed out on something?

I've had a very medicalised induced vaginal birth, an emCS at 31 weeks, and 2x VBAC.
In all honesty, while I accept I am lucky to feel that all my deliveries were 'good' experiences, there's no difference looking back at them in how I feel about the children I had at the time.
Delivery is such a tiny part of being a mother - no, I don't think you miss out on anything whichever way you deliver, but you DO need to be happy that you are in control or at least understand what it happening.

Truly, I think you need to find support in RL.
MW? GP? Consultant? Introduce a nanny in to the mix now so your DS can get used to a new person in his life??

The other thing is, while planning and thinking ahead is a good thing, do not over think it either. You may find that your DS is going to surprise you and cope better than you think.

V best of luck. Of course you will cope. You will because you have to, and women are made of stern stuff

OP you have put in words the vague feelings of confusion I have every time someone mentions a doula and made me laugh with your description, so thanks for that.

On practicalities, why not have either the section or labour without a partner? It sounds like your possible partners would all stress you out and you'd manage just as well if not better alone. This would seem to be the simplest solution and one that, from the outside looking in, would appear to suit your needs.

If you do want your husband there, then, can you think creatively about childcare options? Could you hire a babysitter to care for your son at home while your mother is also there for familiarity and reassurance? Or if funds allow, introduce the babysitter now with an occasional few hours and let him get to know her? This will sound harsh but I think you also need to work on your child's independence and how you react to that. No matter what happens, his world will be impacted by the arrival of a new sibling. So you could just see the babyaitter issue as just one small change of many that he will need to adapt to?

Age and previous section are not in themselves contraindications to induction. Induction for VBAC by balloon is not appropriate for VBAC (see NICE guidelines 2015).

Hopefully a thorough discussion with your midwives will help you make the decision which is right for your particular circumstances.

Wishing you well OP.

I get what you're saying, I was in a similar position, I ended up having a planned section and puts dc1 into nursery for the day (he already went 2 days a week) when are you due? If he's not already at Nursery have you got time to get him settled in one? Otherwise, would you're Inlaws come over for the weekend?

I would definitely have a planned section, it's much easier than an Emergency one and I imagine I would have encountered the same issues second time ... besides the term 'trial of scar' traumatised me!!

No I wouldn't want my mother at the birth either. We get on, but just, no..........

@Mosquitoburrito

I think you should go for an elective C-section as you had issues last time. How old are you OP? I ask because that makes a difference, and I am guessing on the cusp of middle age if your mother is nearly 90! She must have been quite old when she had you?

As I said, I wouldn't want my mother at my labour either. In fact, I wouldn't want anyone but my husband.