to find this behaviour of boyfriends passive and low-level controlling?

[LikeTwoTinyButterbeans]

There's nothing I love more than a long evening of talking, eating nice food, listening to music and sipping wine. I'm Irish and like to cater for people so when I have visitors inc him I make sure glasses are topped up, people want for nothing.

When I'm at bf's house on a child free Saturday evening (like last night) he will specifically offer me water or tea until a time that he deems suitable to drink alcohol. The last couple of times I've just asked him for a glass of wine and he's reacted in quite a bristly way although has given me one.

We'll then sit and eat and chat and have a nice time but the minute he arbitrarily decides that the evening is over he'll go from topping our glasses up to putting the wine away and asking 'Can I get you anything?' meaning water or tea.

I'm an adult woman. I have an incredibly busy life and precious few opportunities to relax and let my hair down a little. I don't have a problem with alcohol apart from enjoying good wine a bit too much. I'm never negatively affected by booze and always bring more than I drink when I visit so am not taking advantage. And we have plenty of quiet cinema/Netflix/early night dates, it's literally only every other sat night that we're in a position to have a bit of a drink and a bit of fun ( and even then, his DC do a lot of sport so he can't usually drink as driving to games/training most Sun mornings - they're on summer break at the min).

AIBU to hate being told indirectly that I've had enough and my evening is over? AIBU to find his behaviour a bit sneaky and controlling?

I'm generally feeling a bit bored and fed-up in the relationship so might be being unfairly picky but I would never dream of monitoring/trying to control another adults alcohol intake unless it were an entirely different scenario in which booze was a problem.

He's also a bit tight and buys crap wine but that's by the by.

AIBU/a complete cow?

No. Definitely not. You are bored and fed up for a reason.

Oh god no.... Sounds like he's trying to control what you drink.... It's not about the booze (or less if it) it's the idea that he has the right to make that decision for you... Very entitled.. I'd be kicking that entitled and controlling crap into touch (and yelling him why)

Yes, controlling. That would really annoy me. And the tightness isn't by the by! It is very unattractive - as is crap wine. He's showing you who he is pretty early in the relationship; believe him. It ain't gonna get any better. Dump.

I'd HATE this. To the point where it probably would be a deal breaker for me.

You're right that its kind of controlling. Not sure that's exactlt the right word, but its unilaterally making decisions about what he deems best for you. It would do my head in.

Seems odd i would ditch him, buy nice wine and drink it with friends or all on your own

Nope. He sounds controlling, passive aggressive and I'd be unhappy with him too. Do you honestly think the relationship has 'legs'? How long have you been together?

I would let this one go.

Gow the last few times I've found myself wishing I was in my own house alone so I could have more wine and dance around to some shit music .

Thanks for the replies. I feel very relieved. Honestly thought MN would say I was obviously a raging alcoholic and he was only looking out for me but he's really just the fun police isn't he?

Have been together 3 years 😐 but only see each other once a week or so, I've been thinking of ending it for a while as it just has no future that I can see.

He is a controlling arse.

I would end it now personally. He will never change.

He will probally be a pain in the arse to get rid of, but hey ho im sure he will get over it...

You might want to talk to him about his views and experiences around alcohol as I have behaved like this in the past due to issues around alcohol and how it makes people behave. But regardless of that it doesn't sound like you are compatible.

I think it would be interesting to hear the other side of this, tbh.
How much exactly are you drinking ?
Unless I were at a wedding, or it were Christmas, I'd find it odd if someone wanted wine earlier than evening meal time, tbh, and if I were sitting at home watching a film or whatever, I'd also find it odd if people kept on wanting more wine - surely a couple of (home measures) glasses of wine is enough over the course of an evening ?

I know there are some very big drinkers on MN so I'll almost certainly be shouted down, but maybe it's just you've got mismatched expectations - that doesn't equal someone trying to control you though.

Thenorth he has no history with alcohol or people with alcohol issues. He has an active social life that revolves around his mates and real ale and enjoys a session.

There are lots of small issues but this one has been the biggest niggle recently. He knows me well enough to know that I hate being told what to do yet he pulls this shit in the most passive manner possible. It's just not attractive. I think I'd just rather get pissed with ddog from now on 😉😂.

I'm like you backforgood.
I find it odd if people start drinking wine earlier than tea time and if they drink more than a couple of glasses on a normal evening, but I'd never say anything to them because they're adults and can make their own choices.

I tend to have coffee at the same time each morning and a cup of tea every night after at the same kind of time. It might just be that he's a creature of habit rather than trying to be controlling.

Either way, it does sound like the relationship has ran its course and it's time to end things if you're not compatible.

It's never earlier than 6.30pm - 7pm.

I don't sit watching telly demanding wine.

We sit at the table listening to records, eating and having a good old natter just like you would if in a restaurant.

Re quantity: It's no doubt more than some MNers drink but it's a quantity I'm comfortable with and as I said in my OP I'm never negatively affected, I just like wine .

LikeTwoTinyButterbeans
I wasn't meaning any inference about what you do OP. Just trying to say that there are some of us who are a little stuck in our ways and that might be why his little quirks were weird/annoying.

For what it's worth, what you describe sounds fairly reasonable.

God he sounds like a drag OP. I don't know how you've lasted so long.

I almost never drink. It makes me sick and dizzy - apart from the obvious things like being unable to drive and it also affecting my ability to look after children properly. (I pretty much stopped drinking after becoming a mother.)

I drink small amounts - a glass of wine at most - on festive occasions/with food. My partner drinks a little more than I do and we would always have wine for guests. I enjoy conversation and laughter, food and music and generally being sociable. But if you are not someone who drinks much then people who do drink quite a lot can easily seem quite boring - or at least on a very different wavelength.

Go home, drink what you want and dance to great music. Life is too short.

And I don't drink either.

Doesn't sound like you're compatible

I like a drink and a chat over dinner too; nothing wrong with that

He doesn't sound fun to be around

Does he drink with you? What time does he have to be up in the morning to drive his DC? Could the fact that he has to be up be putting him off late, boozy nights?

I dislike my glass being topped up at any time: prefer booze to be made available but help myself! (Otherwise I get too pissed too fast - poor self control )

I'm Irish and like to cater for people

What's being Irish got to do with it?

Sounds like relationship has run its course.

I'm practically teetotal and I wouldn't like this behaviour from him.

He is treating you like a child OP

I love dancing around, on my own, the benefit of a couple of glasses of wine, to 'shit' music!!! Go you (and me!) OP!!