to find this behaviour of boyfriends passive and low-level controlling?

[LikeTwoTinyButterbeans]

There's nothing I love more than a long evening of talking, eating nice food, listening to music and sipping wine. I'm Irish and like to cater for people so when I have visitors inc him I make sure glasses are topped up, people want for nothing.

When I'm at bf's house on a child free Saturday evening (like last night) he will specifically offer me water or tea until a time that he deems suitable to drink alcohol. The last couple of times I've just asked him for a glass of wine and he's reacted in quite a bristly way although has given me one.

We'll then sit and eat and chat and have a nice time but the minute he arbitrarily decides that the evening is over he'll go from topping our glasses up to putting the wine away and asking 'Can I get you anything?' meaning water or tea.

I'm an adult woman. I have an incredibly busy life and precious few opportunities to relax and let my hair down a little. I don't have a problem with alcohol apart from enjoying good wine a bit too much. I'm never negatively affected by booze and always bring more than I drink when I visit so am not taking advantage. And we have plenty of quiet cinema/Netflix/early night dates, it's literally only every other sat night that we're in a position to have a bit of a drink and a bit of fun ( and even then, his DC do a lot of sport so he can't usually drink as driving to games/training most Sun mornings - they're on summer break at the min).

AIBU to hate being told indirectly that I've had enough and my evening is over? AIBU to find his behaviour a bit sneaky and controlling?

I'm generally feeling a bit bored and fed-up in the relationship so might be being unfairly picky but I would never dream of monitoring/trying to control another adults alcohol intake unless it were an entirely different scenario in which booze was a problem.

He's also a bit tight and buys crap wine but that's by the by.

AIBU/a complete cow?

YADNBU!

I wouldn't necessarily say he's controlling. Seems you just aren't compatible.
I personally find it odd that people would start to drink before an evening meal then carry on into the night. But that's because I don't drink in the house. Maybe he's the same and finds it strange that you want to sit all night drinking when he can't really because as you say he's got to be up for dc.

I very rarely drink but my dp likes a drink in the evening, I would never police him as he is an adult. As long as he is not falling down drunk I don't mind.

He sounds like the fun police op, ditch him.

Does he do this kind of thing everywhere you go; restaurants, pubs, and at your home or is it just when you stay at his on that specific Saturday every other week?

I've found myself wishing I was in my own house alone
I think this is the clue here. Life's too short.

I think the first time he did that would be the last, for me.

He's happy enough to drink your nicer wine for as long as he wants, I bet. He wouldn't like it if you took his glass out of his hand.

He's a kill-joy - a selfish, controlling Dementor.

You say he knows you hate being told what to do so he does it passively instead. Doesn't sound like he can win - maybe he is not trying to be passive but trying to be polite and hinting that the evening is over for him rather than coming out and 'telling you what to do'.

How would you like him to behave?

It does sound like maybe your lifestyles are incompatible. And that you are not enjoying the relationship much. Maybe that says it has had its day. And why him doing something normal like offering you tea at the end of a meal is annoying you so much!

I can't decide if it's mean or controlling. I couldn't stand being treated like that.

Whenever I'm in a relationship, and we agree to have a night in, whatever beverage we're drinking sits on the table so we can either pour for each other or feel free to help yourself, and drink until you've had enough. It's basic hospitality.

And it's Saturday night, the one night you should have a drink without limits if you're home, childfree and no work commitments.

After being together for 3 years, I don't think it's a reason to end the relationship, but I'd talk to him and let him know how you feel. But sounds like you've had enough and this is could be your "straw that broke the camels back".

I think you know you've reached the end of the road, and are just looking for a bit of support. It's ok to tell him it's over, you don't need 'a' reason. When you only see each other once a week (bit of an indication there if you ask me, after THREE YEARS) and you find yourself wishing you were at home so you could do what YOU want...

You know what you need to do, so do it.

Yeah, if you'd rather be home alone then you want out.

I think that if you are teetotal (or nearly so) it is difficult to 'get' drinking culture.

While wine is less expensive - relatively - than it used to be, if you don't enjoy drinking it you do think about the food or the cinema tickets/sports sub that could be bought with the same money as a couple of bottles of not-the-cheapest-wine.

Though the evidence about modest wine consumption is that it's not harmful, people who think they only drink moderately tend to be drinking more than they think. (A lot of women on MN agonise about the fact they are not the weight or dress size that they used to be. Alcohol has no nutritional value.)

People are also more vulnerable - or may harm others - when they have been drinking. They're more likely to cause accidents, less likely to be able to judge the intentions of others. They will have to take taxis rather than walking home - and/or may have missed the last train or bus.

I do get that by and large we live in a drinking culture, where having a good few pints/glasses and getting pissed on a regular basis is the 'normal' way of enjoying yourself. The likelihood is that you and your partner are too different for the relationship to work out.

On the other hand it might be worth having a conversation where you listen to his views on alcohol and drinking and see whether he's got a point - even if he's not expressing it very well.