WWYD nightmare behaviour on holiday

[ThisIsNotARealAvo]

We are on holiday in U.K but about 350 miles away from London, where we live. PIL who are lovely own 2 rental properties here and we are staying in one of them, they were the other one but as they had a prior booking they have now rented a different one next to us. This is so that they can be with us for the whole 2 weeks. So far so good. We have all been looking forward to the holiday as we all came last year and had a great time.

The issue is that DS behaviour is currently a nightmare. We have 2 DC both adopted, DD aged 7 and DS aged 9. Both children saw their birth siblings a week before we came away and although it usually affects them, it has been much worse this time. DS is swearing, using threatening language "I'll smack your fucking face off" kicking people and property, trying to damage things in the holiday cottage, spitting and most of all not responding to any of the usual rewards or consequences.

AINU to really really want to go home. I spend the whole time managing DS behaviour and not very successfully. PIL are helpful and supportive but I feel like I have an audience. DH is great but a lot of DS anger is towards him. The weather is not great and DS doesn't want to do anything/complains he is bored.

I totally understand how DS is feeling but I'm really not enjoying the holiday and I don't think it's that much fun for DD or DH. The other thing is that PIL have given up a week of rental income to let us have the cottage, as well as renting a cottage for this week, probably costing about £1000 all in. MIL has invited some very elderly relatives over this week and I can't face trying to manage DS when they are here.

I would feel so ungrateful and rude leaving but I can't see things getting any easier if we stay. DS probably needs to be in familiar surroundings. However we are leaving on Friday evening so maybe we will just have to stick it out.

Please can someone either tell me to pull myself together or that it would be ok to abandon the holiday. I love PIL dearly and would not want to upset them but this holiday is a nightmare.

Can you take Ds home on your own and leave the other tw?. I'm sure the inlaws would understand that but it they will still get a holiday with their son?

In the nicest possible way I am sure they want you to all go home - for reasons to include it is best for the dc if being away from home is having a negative impact on them. .
And obviously for all reasons that aren't so nice to hear. .
Must be awful seeing them so unsettled if the visits are to be a regular thing. .

No I don't think yabu. No one is having fun why subject yourselfs to it. If you go the elderly relatives could stay where you have been staying and have their own space.

Is it possible to stay in the area but you and DS book into a cheap hotel or something? That way you still stay as a family but have some breathing space.

I'm very tempted to take DS home on the train and leave DH and DD here with the car. But I think DD would be very disappointed as she is very close to her brother.

I would have a word with the PILs and say to them that you are concerned that he is ruining everyone's holiday and you don't want him damaging the property so you feel you should go home , they might be pleased . Would you be happy to take him home alone so that dh and your dd can enjoy the week with the inlaws ? As an aside , I know nothing about adoption procedures , do you have to maintain the contact if it so adversely affects your son , could you not just have written contact if that would be better ( with you reading the content first ) .

The thing about contact is that we think it's better to have it in the long term so they grow up knowing their siblings, but in the short term it really rocks the boat.

Your parents in law sound like decent people. They wouldn't want you or your son to be miserable would they? It sounds like if you explained that he was having a tough time because of what happened before you came away, that they'd accept that (even if it was a disappointment).

Think of it another way. If you or your children got ill this week with something contagious, you probably wouldn't be there. Disappointments happen - and everyone has to do what they need to to make life easiest.

The only thing I'd wonder about is whether your son would see going home as a punishment. I see that it's not, and you're trying to get him into calm and familiar space, but I think it's probably worth having that conversation with him (I'm totally telling you how to suck eggs here, right? I mean, you know your own child!). Another thing, do you ALL have to go home, or could you go alone with your son? That might bot be something you'd be willing to do as a family though?

In short, abandon if you think it's not going to get better soon. And don't feel terrible about it - you're doing the right thing by putting the need of an upset child first.

Thank you all so much for replying. I feel so much better already. Will have a chat with DH and see if we can figure something out.

Thisisnotarealavo, that's so hard and YADNBU. DH and I have 2 adopted DDs and DD1 has always exhibited challenging behaviour. It's mostly me she targets or DD2. (They are birth siblings, aged 8 and 5.) I always get very nervous about going away, though in DD1's case it's after we get back that her behaviour really deteriorates.

DD1 has bitten, pinched, hit and kicked DD2, she steps hard on my bare foot and throws things. She yells, 'I hate you!' to me and 'You don't care about me.' It's so hard because we adopted DD2 as we wanted the two of them to be together. (They have 2 other birth siblings they don't see, adopted by other families.

Tbf, they do play together nicely at other times.

How does your DS get on with your PIL? Our DD1 gets on well with her Granny and Grandma and behaves better for them. Would they be able to give you some back-up? That might even give you some respite.

If you want to pm me, you're welcome to do that.

I think you need to reconsider contact. It sounds as though it really troubles your son and sets him back. What's the situation with his siblings? Are they with their birth family or fostered or adopted? I wonder how they behave after contact.

It might be an idea to not have contact until he's more settled.

I'd involve your DS in the decision making but make sure you pitch it as getting back to normality as it isn't great fun for any of you here because you know he's hurting etc, rather than a punishment. Make sure he knows that it will be just you two going home though. Then it's his choice.
I think DD will just have to deal with staying and not disappointing Gp's - if it would indeed disappoint them for you all to go?

I think you should do whatever you feel most comfortable doing. It sounds incredibly stessful and worse having an audience, albeit a well meaning one. It's not your fault and hopefully everyone understands that and would want you to do whatever is easiest for you.

What a nightmare for you. What would be better for DS? Does he need the security of being back at home or would going home be perceived by him as a punishment when he is clearly confused and distressed?

Talk to your DS if you can try to get him to open up. He's old enough to be able to articulate his worries and may want to talk about missing his sibling. Maybe try and have a day out alone with him.

It must be hard for all of you.

Imperial makes a very good point, OP. Maybe you should reconsider contact, it is up to the adoptive parents once the adoption has gone through. Our DDs' older half sister hasn't had contact for years as the parents were having difficulty with her behaviour.

You've done great to keep up contact but it might be time for a rethink?

Change of routine causes a lot of issues with our DD1 too, and any change. Contact will inevitably be a cause of stress.

Sympathies, I am also in a "This is a shit holiday I want to go home" situation. I can't go home, though. Won't try to advise OP what to do.

Oh that sounds so hard Sometimes you just can't make everyone happy. But your in-laws aren't staying in the same house as you are they? So they don't have to be around the children if it's bothering them? It's their choice. Surely the elderly relative aren't actually staying with you, so do the children (or at least DS) really have to see them? Even though DS is kicking off and complaining the holiday is probably doing him some good and being taken home might feel like a punishment. Just being with familiar people might be more important than familiar surroundings. But, I dunno.

No easy answers. But maybe the best thing to do is to lay it out in front of your DH and ask what he thinks is best. His parents, his decision. Maybe part of the stress is that you're feeling responsible for making everyone feel OK.

One thing I have learned as a teacher of children who often have extreme behaviour is that all behaviour is a means of communicating. He is communicating that he is very angry. All he will see if you take him home is that you've punished him. Try to find things that he would enjoy, I assume you've asked the children what they would like to do. Make a timetable with them of activities for each day. Don't apologise to others for his behaviour, I'm sure you already know that he has had a traumatic start in life, and I'm also sure that you would not have been approved for adoption if your social worker did not think you were up for the challenge.
Try to be as positive as possible. I know it's hard!

Why is he angry at your husband?

OP is your adoption social worker supportive? Could you telephone her and ask for advice? Adoption Support Services are supposed to be in place indefinitely.
Do talk to PIL and share feelings about the situation so you can come to a joint decision re what to do about the holiday.
In future days out rather that away holidays may suit DS better, or maybe only weekends away. Seeing his siblings may have reawakened fears of the adoption ending -- you need to seriously discuss the future timing and frequency of face to face contacts.
How about asking DS ire toy why he is feeling so angry? An open discussion will permit him to vent his emotions. If he is attached to you he may have mixed feelings about admitting how he feels for fear of upsetting you (sounds contradictory, I know, but humans are so complicated).

Could you book into a hotel for a day or 2 and see how he goes? You could say you're worried about him and want to spend a little time with him. Then after the 2 days if things are better then return and if not, go home?
It's the hardest thing managing bad behaviour even if there are no issues and you're at home. Hats off to you.

And this contact is really disruptive for him. You can control this.