WWYD nightmare behaviour on holiday

[ThisIsNotARealAvo]

We are on holiday in U.K but about 350 miles away from London, where we live. PIL who are lovely own 2 rental properties here and we are staying in one of them, they were the other one but as they had a prior booking they have now rented a different one next to us. This is so that they can be with us for the whole 2 weeks. So far so good. We have all been looking forward to the holiday as we all came last year and had a great time.

The issue is that DS behaviour is currently a nightmare. We have 2 DC both adopted, DD aged 7 and DS aged 9. Both children saw their birth siblings a week before we came away and although it usually affects them, it has been much worse this time. DS is swearing, using threatening language "I'll smack your fucking face off" kicking people and property, trying to damage things in the holiday cottage, spitting and most of all not responding to any of the usual rewards or consequences.

AINU to really really want to go home. I spend the whole time managing DS behaviour and not very successfully. PIL are helpful and supportive but I feel like I have an audience. DH is great but a lot of DS anger is towards him. The weather is not great and DS doesn't want to do anything/complains he is bored.

I totally understand how DS is feeling but I'm really not enjoying the holiday and I don't think it's that much fun for DD or DH. The other thing is that PIL have given up a week of rental income to let us have the cottage, as well as renting a cottage for this week, probably costing about £1000 all in. MIL has invited some very elderly relatives over this week and I can't face trying to manage DS when they are here.

I would feel so ungrateful and rude leaving but I can't see things getting any easier if we stay. DS probably needs to be in familiar surroundings. However we are leaving on Friday evening so maybe we will just have to stick it out.

Please can someone either tell me to pull myself together or that it would be ok to abandon the holiday. I love PIL dearly and would not want to upset them but this holiday is a nightmare.

I would do whatever is best for your children and leave the adults to manage how they feel about it. if your children are adopted and have recently seen siblings, they must surely understand and if they don't, tough

What does your ds want to do?

My DD needs lots of activities to tire her out, and she has a low boredom threshold. Sounds like your DS is similar, in that he gets bored easily. What I expect will help is having lots of activities arranged and for him to know exactly what each day will bring.

OP I suggest you post this on the adoption board. Although some people in AIBU are experienced adopters, many here may not understand the very specific triggers that holidays can cause for adopted dcs (especially combined so closely with contact). You will find the people on the adoption boards extremely supportive and knowledgeable.

I'm sorry you are having a rough time on holiday.
I agree with others about going home possibly reinforces that he doesn't deserve a holiday. You really need to sit him down and ask him.
Work out of contact is infect for the better in the long run. They are already aware that they are adopted, it's not like you are keeping it a secret, sometimes parents have to make decisions with only hope that it is the right one.
Can the siblings write to each other, send birthday cards etc.
Is it a condition of the adoption that you maintain family ties?

@missiondecision, no, direct contact with birth family is normally at the discretion of the adoptive parents. Indirect contact (called letterbox contact) is written into a contact agreement, but that's still entirely at the adopters' discretion.

Adopters are informed about the births of siblings, and they can apply to adopt them too, as we did. Sibling groups can be adopted together too. But again, entirely at the adopters' discretion.

I think you and DH should decide that either you all go home, or that just you and DS go home.

You said it yourself, he needs to be in familiar surroundings. Everything else is secondary really. It is sad, but it is just one of those things I think.

(Adopter, but no direct contact).

How long is since you adopted them? My friend adopted a child of a similar age but she insisted on an 18 month period where there was no contact with the child's older birth siblings so that she and the child had an established relationship and there was no disruption of the type you are currently going through.

I too suggest that perhaps taking DS aside and explaining that if he carries on you will be taking him home on the train so that the others can enjoy their holiday and that if this happens there are no treats for him when you do get back.

Get everyone together to have a war cabinet about what to do, with the focus on being what is best for the dc, but taking into account impact on others.

Move over to the adoption board. Too many people on here who won't understand that parenting adopted children is completely different.
Contact is always going to be difficult - in the long run you can insist on times NOT close to family holidays. But hindsight is bloody marvellous and no use now.
Going with all the people suggesting a PACE/love bombing approach.

I've found the older my dc gets the more hurt they are about their father's neglect. So now your ds is 9 he will have developed his thinking and will be having all sorts of more difficult thoughts about what happened to him and his birth family. I think going home might well be your best option if he isn't coping. Any changes to routine can push am anxious child over the edge. The aggressive behaviour is him acting out the pain he feels. It's really b not personal other than the fact you are nearest and dearest. Does he have access to play therapy? This might be a good way for him to explore his feelings and release them in a safe environment rather than reaching boiling point.

You could see how it goes on the holiday and if it really doesn't work then the option is there for you to take him home early.

My DD likes to have one on one time; would it work for you to take your DS out somewhere, just the two of you?

Thank you all so much for your sympathetic and thoughtful replies. DS had another massive meltdown this afternoon and I took DD out with MIL to wander round the village. DS stayed with DH. This helped as one of things DS finds hard is having to compete for my attention, as he sees it, with DD and DH. If I'm out things are often easier for him. When I came back we had lots of cuddles and I told him I had missed him.

Totally agree with everyone who suggested not excluding him from the holiday. No one will be going home early unless we all do. DH spoke to mil about the elderly relatives' visit and she has said not to worry, whatever we need to do is fine. She is very good with both DC and expertly distracts them if they are getting wound up. PIL have also offered to take the kids out separately this week so we can get some 1:1 time with the other one. This should help and with the other things we have planned the week doesn't seem so long.

About contact, it's not a condition of the adoption that contact goes ahead - we did have a contact order for contact with birth dad but have actually never met him as DD made some disclosures about him. The sibling contact we feel is overall a positive thing, but works best in the middle of term when routines are cast iron. I think contact plus the open endedness of summer holidays is too much for DS and we will don contact earlier next time. We didn't want the DC to grow up with unanswered questions so I still think contact is the right thing for our family, but the timing needs to be right. The children were placed 2.5 years ago and we have had about 3 contacts in that time. It didn't start until 12 months in though.

Again I really appreciate all your replies! Thank you so much.

So glad that you've got some plans in place to help work through it all. So happy to read that your PILs are completely on board and "get it" and will do what it takes to help out.

hope you get to make some happy memories this week.

I think he sounds very angry, and very unhappy and needs an outlet for all that rage. I appreciate that it's different, but my eldest DD has ADHD and we always found holidays very challenging as being out of a familiar environment and routine was so very hard for her. I'd more than had enough one holiday in Devon, when the lovely cottage owner saw us struggling and pointed us towards a local cycling centre. My idea of hell, but actually we found a lovely path along the sea and it absolutely wore all of our DDs (and us) out but we had a much better evening because of it and learned a belated valuable lesson that tired kids are far better company than cooped up brooding ones. Can you find something really involved and physical ie rock climbing, orienteering or something that engages his brain and body in a bit more harmony? Being a parent isn't easy at times .

I'm so glad you're feeling more positive now. It's good that you can leave DS with DH, hopefully it will improve the bond between them.

On balance I do agree that it's better not to leave early from the holiday with DS, it could reinforce any feelings he might have of not deserving a nice holiday. And it's great that your PIL are so good with him, you'll be able to have one on one time with your DH, which is just what you need. Sounds to me that you'll have a great time.

Re contact, it would definitely make sense to have it when your DCs are in a clear routine, which of course they get in school. Certainly it's good that they have had a few years of contact, now they're older it could well be time to ask whether they want it to continue. I wish our DDs were able to have contact, but we've tried, and at least we can look them in the eye and say we did our best. You certainly have. Ultimately it will be down to the DCs whether they want to stay in touch.

You're doing a great job; hope you all now have a lovely holiday.

Sounds like you're doing a great job OP but your insistence on contact is perhaps not helping the children to feel settled as part of your family unit.
Concentrate on the now and not the future. They need stability now. Contact with birth family can come a lot later if they actually want it once they've settled with you.