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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to dislike the holidays due to one of my kids?

36 replies

Lemonchops · 05/08/2017 11:01

I've found the last 2 summer holidays extremely difficult and often unpleasant due (mostly) to the behaviour of my 6-year-old. I'm starting to suspect she may have a behaviour issue, though i'm not sure what, as there isn't a sniff of it at school! She can often be totally obnoxious in the holidays though, and i don't mean just a bit naughty, I mean awful. Violent to her siblings and occasionally me, wild, cheeky, rude, saying shocking things like 'i want to kill you', 'i wish you weren't my mum', 'i wish i was someone else' etc. She says everything that I plan to do with them is 'boring' and often refuses to go out and practically has to be dragged. A family member kindly booked her & her brother on a week long sports course to help with passing the time she refused to go; tried it on the second day and proclaimed it 'boring' and wouldn't go back. She is a strong girl both personality wise and physically and cannot really be forced to do anything (unless i'm missing something obviously i'm starting to feel guilty and question myself about how i'm dealing with things). Another very tricky issue is that my daughter can be violent with her friends so it's very difficult to meet up with people. She isn't violent at school though. Just when I am there. But because this happens I have to be very careful about which friends we meet up with & in which circumstances. As a result I think she is more lonely and bored than she should be, but I don't know what else to do. Have had loads of very embarrassing situations last year that totally put me off. I'm really worried about her and also concerned about the effect it's having on her younger siblings, who are a lot calmer in terms of behaviour (though at times can be influenced by her and wound up). I'm also feeling guilty guilty about not handling her properly, though I do think anyone would find her very difficult and guilty about not enjoying the holidays because of her (but it IS her and that is undeniable... On occasions when her Dad and Granny have taken her out and i've had the younger two, all's been fine). I should add that on a one to one basis she is usually fine. I've got a doc appt but i'm not sure if she has a 'proper' behaviour issue or it's just an extreme case of summer holiday blues cos she thrives on structure SO much.. .But in any case I don't feel like I can cope with more summer holidays like this :-( I think she may be a bit depressed too, but my partner thinks this notion is ridiculous given her age and thinks I'm ridiculous for considering it.

OP posts:

Whatthefudger · 05/08/2017 11:03

My child is like this. He's a bit older as well. The other two are fine. His behaviour can be shocking. I've no advice but I know how you feel

Rossigigi · 05/08/2017 11:06

What things cause your daughters behaviour to escalate? I.e- is it being told no, a change of routine, not getting her on way etc?

OneInEight · 05/08/2017 11:19

You could try making more of a routine to Summer holidays if she craves structure. Sounds like there is a lot of underlying anxiety and you could improve things by making the holiday more predictable for her such as visiting places she has been before, visiting places at quieter times, meeting up with smaller groups of friends, shorter visits etc.

LoyaltyAndLobster · 05/08/2017 11:23

blankface · 05/08/2017 11:46

she thrives on structure SO much

Then give her what she needs, that's probably why she's 'fine' at school, everything's predictable. At home in the hols, she's expected to do 'the unknown' and is obviously struggling to cope.

Genghi · 05/08/2017 11:46

What is the age gap between her and the younger kids? How much 1 on 1 time does she get to spend with you. I agree that if the behaviour problems only happen around you, then it's likely not a MH issue but maybe something else.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 05/08/2017 11:51

She behaves well at school so she chooses to behave badly at home. What are the consequences of her bad behavior OP?

SerfTerf · 05/08/2017 11:52

Maybe stop thinking "behaviour issue" and start thinking "behavioural manifestation of.....what?".

She sounds unhappy as well as hard work.

SerfTerf · 05/08/2017 11:54

She behaves well at school so she chooses to behave badly at home. What are the consequences of her bad behavior OP?

I'm sorry but that's a really unhelpful leap. She "chooses"?

It could be something in the environment that makes a difference.

The routine dependence is certainly worth careful thought (unstructured time is very difficult for children with certain conditions. VERY). So are the family dynamics.

Notreallyarsed · 05/08/2017 11:54

It could be masking OP, especially if you think there are underlying issues. Google masking by children and it might give you some ideas. My kids can hold it together at school/nursery and if they've had a particularly stressful day it all comes out at home, their "safe" place. I mask in public too and then meltdown at home where I know I'm ok.

wonderingagain21 · 05/08/2017 11:56

My DD2 can be very similar to this and has always refused to do holiday clubs etc. I swing between desperately trying to understand /meet her needs & feeling totally controlled by her. It is really difficult as it has a massive impact on her siblings and what we can do. I don't have much advice other than to let her know your plans for the week. If she agrees to any of it, great. If not perhaps you can talk about what the issues are etc and make adjustments. If it's anxiety driven, knowing she has some control might help. It is really hard but try not to blame yourself - some kids just don't /can't behave the same as other kids. Just a thought - are you able to make deals with her? Ie you come to the beach tomorrow & then you choose the activity the day after?

Sleepinghooty · 05/08/2017 12:01

Ds is a bit like this. He is 10 now and things have improved massively. I find routine where possible really helps and is not routine making sure he knows in good time the plan for the day / week. Surprises, even good ones can cause issues. We use a wall planner with activities written in so he can easily see.

Diet has also made a big difference. He prefers not to bother eating but low blood sugar and hunger makes a massive difference to behaviour.

You have my sympathies, it is really hard, this summer is the first for a while where he has, on the while, been good company and fun to be around!

Ktown · 05/08/2017 12:07

Lots of kids play up to their parents. It is very unlikely she has a behavioural issue if she is fine at school though.
I guess she just needs to be managed differently from the others.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 05/08/2017 13:15

There must be some things she doesn't find boring. What motivates her? For my kids it's late nights in the holidays, pocket money, screen time. They know if they don't meet minimum standards of behaviour - speaking respectfully to people and not hurting them that they lose some of these things and it's extremely rare that I have to enforce it but they know I have and will. There must be some things that she likes. Does she want to meet up with friends? What is happening to cause her to lash out? I would teach her what she needs to do instead and practice when she's calm.

KimJongCunt · 05/08/2017 13:16

My DD is similar.

She craves attention, even when she is getting more of my time than her siblings and she will cause merry hell to get our attention.

Its just her. She needs more of my time than the others and in the interests of equity she doesn't always get it.

Shes lovely in school.
I thought she had behavioural issues for a time but actually shes just a bit slow to mature although intellectually average.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 05/08/2017 13:17

Also a bit of love bombing. Catch her behaving well when you can and make a fuss of it. Do things together that you both find fun and tend to go smoothly. It sounds like you've got into a bit of a pattern of awful behavior and telling off which is easily done.

MsGameandWatching · 05/08/2017 13:43

It is very unlikely she has a behavioural issue if she is fine at school though.

This is simply not true. MANY children with behavioural issues or spectrum conditions manage well in one environment but not the other. It is well documented.

Neutrogena · 05/08/2017 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SerfTerf · 05/08/2017 14:04

Really @neutrogena?! That's how you talk about a six year old?

KimJongCunt · 05/08/2017 14:05

And you are becoming increasingly predictable and tedious Neutrogena

Florriesma · 05/08/2017 14:11

I've reported neutrogena. It's just abuse and shouldn't be tolerated on a what claims to be a supportive parenting forum.

Op - most kids go a bit wild in the holidays and 6 is very young. I've known a lot of kids that age and older who wouldn't touch holiday clubs. Is she getting firm boundaries And lots of positive attention?

LoyaltyAndLobster · 05/08/2017 14:21

Neutrogena why would you say something so horrible about someone else's child?

We are suppose to be supportive to OP and give her advice.

Notreallyarsed · 05/08/2017 14:23

MsGameandWatching well said, I tried to explain that earlier too.

Believeitornot · 05/08/2017 14:25

YABU. You need to take a look at yourself and how you manage her behaviour. She's 6, she's still learning and you've got to teach her. Instead of writing her off.

I would not pay close attention to the words she uses but more to the meaning behind them. Being "bored" might be that she's finding something difficult. Some of her behaviour might be for attention. Do you spend time with just her and build her confidence? Have you taught her how to make friends at things like sports camp? My two dcs were very reluctant to do those when they know hardly anyone there. They were shy and didn't know how to approach new children (school is different as it's every day and they know what to expect).

I feel sorry for your dd. She is only little and clearly needs help and guidance.

samsonthecat · 05/08/2017 14:32

Both of my daughters need routine. Dd1 has asbergers, Dd2 is being assessed at the moment. Both mask at school and both can be violent at home. In the holidays they don't want to go out, they are happy together at home where it is safe and predictable. Out is very stressful and makes them very tired but we manage a couple of days out each week with home days in between.
It could be worth discussing the possibility of ASD with your Gp, it presents very differently in girls to boys. A lot of girls go undiagnosed because they mask so well at school.

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