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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband moans and whinges about stress - AIBU

27 replies

demurelyblue · 05/08/2017 10:23

Just to be completely clear this isn't about money. Due to inheritances we are fairly comfortable.

'D'H is stressed. And it is showing. He is on sleeping tablets, he is irritable, shouty and mean. He blames work for this.

Now I sympathise but he keeps taking extra shifts! He was not meant to work this weekend but he is and I am a bit peeved as I have disappointed kids. If I try to talk to him he 'blames' me or the children for needing the money but we really don't need it in any way shape or form.

I can see why he is exhausted but AIBU in thinking he has to say no!

OP posts:
OohMavis · 05/08/2017 10:26

If work was stressing him out to the degree he was taking sleeping tablets and being 'shouty and mean', he wouldn't be volunteering for extra shifts. He'd be doing everything within his means to avoid working more than he has to, surely.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 05/08/2017 10:26

Depends, would saying no go down well with his employer?

You may have savings but they won't last long unless you have an income to supplement them with.

I'm guessing he's the only earner hence the stress?

OohMavis · 05/08/2017 10:27

My point is, perhaps there is something else going on.

WineAndTiramisu · 05/08/2017 10:27

Seems odd, off work is making him this stressed but he's choosing to do extra hours. Have you had a discussion with him about it?

Penny4UrThoughts · 05/08/2017 10:27

You are right - but stress, real, sustained, debilitating stress, makes calm, rational deciding making difficult.

Everything is a reaction, rather than a response. And it gets hard to say no.

So yes, you are right. But it's just not that simple.

OohMavis · 05/08/2017 10:27

...hidden debt?

CloudPerson · 05/08/2017 10:30

Could it be that he finds it very difficult to say no to the extra shifts?
That in itself could be making him more frustrated and stressed.

Original poster
demurelyblue · 05/08/2017 10:33

Possibly he does find it difficult to say no but he is senior and in his 40s. He isn't a wide eyed graduate eager to impress.

I have tried to talk to him but it is flipped round to it being my fault.

Rainbows he is the sole earner by his choice. So don't turn this into an anti SAHM post.

OP posts:
EggysMom · 05/08/2017 10:34

Stressed but doing extra hours is possible. If he works in a team with a huge workload, there could be pressure on him to complete that work during his normal hours - which isn't feasible - so he's doing extra shifts to get the work done.

Original poster
demurelyblue · 05/08/2017 10:36

It isn't really like that Eggys

Anyway the point is that he is miserable and as a result so are we all.

OP posts:
RainbowsAndUnicorn · 05/08/2017 11:19

Then swap, let him stay home and you bring in the family income. That way his stress levels will come way down.

Don't underestimate the pressure of being a sole earner, it's even worse when it's not just you but another adult and children.

Original poster
demurelyblue · 05/08/2017 11:19

Has anyone ever successfully addressed this? Sad

It is so draining.

OP posts:
Original poster
demurelyblue · 05/08/2017 11:24

Rainbows did you not read my above post? No; I doubt you did in your glee at giving another SAHM a kicking.

Well put this in your pipe and smoke it - DH doesn't want me to work. He never has. When I was a new graduate he didn't want it. When i had a baby he was all 'so you will be leaving work now won't you.' I clung on by my fingertips but eventually the pressure was too much and I cracked. Now I am unemployable.

But you carry on with your spite. Not all SAHP are lazy bastards. DH is choosing to be stressed. I said at the start it isn't money but you either didn't read it or didn't care.

OP posts:
Euripidesralph · 05/08/2017 16:15

If I can give you perspective from the other side op please don't listen to those who say there has to be something else or that he wouldn't be volunteering

I've just come out of a senior management role where the stress was beyond unbelievable...it wasn't my first role at that level but it was absolutely the worst and I was expected to be available 24 hours a day.....I was placed under massive expectations and bar not being there in that role there wasn't an excuse not to do it

I was brought up because I didn't reply to emails whilst driving through the Dartford tunnel , I hadn't replied in 15 mins and was threatened with sanctions

I was given such a workload I wasn't able to cover it without working 90 hours a week....I would wake with the baby at 3am and reply to emails and find my colleagues were also working

I never "volunteered" for extra hours because it was an expectation that I worked them and if anything went wrong it was instantly my fault and it made me terrified to make a mistake , ever.....as simple as a misspelt word in an email would have my boss on the phone

They didn't like my hairstyle one day so I was told in supervision (despite everything time being suited and booted to the nines)

It's entirely possible for this to be stress ....it turned me into a raging lunatic dressed all the time not eating not sleeping

I was expected to text and email whilst driving , to magic staff out of thin air and right before I had no choice but to leave over unethical practices my workload was about to be tripled

I had nightmares about missing phonecalls

It's not ok and god knows I did things in the last year I'm not proud of everything suffered my children my home my relationship... everything, but when you're in the middle of it it seems like there's no way out ....it wasn't about money for me....it was about expectations and noone at home had any real concept of the pressure I was put under

He can't behave like this and its not ok , I'm not excusing him but what saved me was oddly for the first time my stbxdh picked up the slack for a while and covered my ass repeatedly when I was expected to be in two places at once, my partner is in the same company and saw first hand what they put the senior managers through and helped me where he could

But I used to wake with crushing terror for the day ahead, I lived in my nerves

But to the outside world I looked cool and calm and slick

Have you tried to sit down and talk without accusations? He can't carry on but he could be drowning and it's a terrifying place to be

I know must of my colleagues felt the same way and were drowning as well

I had to get out for other reasons but ultimately it literally probably saved my life it wouldn't have been long before I had a heart attack

Its si hard to see when you're in it , you just put one foot in front of the other and pray you get through the day

Please talk to hin

Original poster
demurelyblue · 05/08/2017 16:23

I have tried but am getting nowhere. At this stage it isnt a marriage. It is two people leading entirely separate lives.

I'm not new to this and he has been like this before but this is a new level of ridiculousness.

OP posts:
Sarikiz · 05/08/2017 16:35

I think its time for an ultimatum. Maybe the shock tactic of telling him its the marriage or his job will bring out the truth.
You say your unemployable thats not true. You have a degree and can retrain for employment.
You may not like the outcome but you really do need to put your foot down.

Euripidesralph · 05/08/2017 16:39

I totally understand you're angry op and you absolutely have every right to be his behaviour isn't but have you used wording like "ridiculous" with him?

I have to be honest at my worst when I was in the darkest place that's the absolute last thing that would have got through to me

I know you're frustrated and god knows I'm not suggest you go easy but that wording is quite belittling and harsh.....could you put it another way to him?

jelliebelly · 05/08/2017 16:41

Oh my word Euri what kind of business were you working in? I can't believe this kind of bullying still exists in the modern workplace!

Euripidesralph · 05/08/2017 16:42

Ironically health and social care. It's actually par for the course at a certain level....not uncommon...but this was particularly bad I admit

Original poster
demurelyblue · 05/08/2017 16:50

I do try but when you have conversations like

Him - Ohh i am so tired. I am in Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday -
Me - (interjecting before it becomes a Craig David song) Yes hang on DH i thought you were off this weekend.
him - Well I was but I offered to cover as we are short. But ohhhh I am so tired ...

Thing is these conversations happen several times a day.

OP posts:
AliTheMinx · 05/08/2017 17:41

Big hugs, OP. My husband was in a similar situation about 2 years ago. All work-related. They were heaping untold pressure on him as he has quite specialised IT experience which his coworkers don't, so nearly all of the work on their important project fell to him. He was exhausted - working long hours and not sleeping. He'd come home from work, take his dinner up to his room and carry on working, and work on weekends. We hardly saw each other, yet alone spoke. It was such a stressful time and he missed out on so much quality time with our son, who was 3 and couldn't understand why Daddy didn't want to play anymore. My husband kept most of the stress bottled up inside, until one day he had a breakdown. A teeny little trivial non-work issue totally broke him and he exploded, and was crazed and said he was going and didn't know when he'd be back and was about to storm out and I grabbed him arm and he totally broke down sobbing like a child. It was truly frightening to see him like that. Maybe your husband has similar work stresses and is taking too much on? I think sometimes work can be all-consuming - especially if you're pretty senior. Encourage him to open up and gently explain how his behaviour is impacting on you and your family. Good luck, OP Flowers

Original poster
demurelyblue · 05/08/2017 17:48

I do wonder at times if there is more to it than he is letting on.

But I am miserable and conscious none of us should be this unhappy when on paper we have everything.

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 05/08/2017 18:09

I get that he wanted you to stay at home, but could this be the time for you both to reconsider? It might help him if he's not the only one earning. But then, maybe it's the job himself that's stressing him out.

My DH is the sole earner in our family too. He had a promotion recently and I know he has a lot on. What helps him is for me to simply listen to him talk through with me what his day is like. I can't help or advise him on anything, he's a bridge engineer working for the Council, so all I can do is listen. It's what helps him.

It won't be enough to remove the stress, but it might well be the best way you can support him.

Original poster
demurelyblue · 05/08/2017 18:22

He does more than not want me to work; he made sure I couldn't.

OP posts:
pandarific · 05/08/2017 18:31

"he made sure I couldn't" Hmm

What do you mean by this op? Is he controlling? Because if he is, and you are in an abusive marriage then that is a whole different kettle of fish to him annoying you by whining to you about a situation then doing nothing to solve it.