Other people's kids and sharing

[AloeVeraSeeYaCilla]

Today I went to a summer fête type activity with my DS who is 2.9 and my baby DD. My DS is quite shy and takes a good half hour to warm up and start getting involved in activities. He's obsessed with cars and trains, like most boys of a similiar age. He was happily playing with a garage and putting the cars in and out and another boy came over and started to get involved and try and play. The other boy was nearly 4 as I'd already chatted to his mum earlier on.

So, when the other lad started to want to play I told my boy to let him join in, explained that the toys were for everyone to play with and that it's kind to share. The pair of them started muscling in on the toy and neither appeared to want to give up. The other lad's mum had disappeared. I told my son that if he couldn't share we'd go home. The older boy eventually got bored and wandered off.

Another lad comes along and the same scenario plays out. He's older and just tries to take the garage from my son and start playing. I was talking to my DH about it and how to encourage sharing and as a secondary teacher I know that kids struggle with it in their teenage years. But who is at fault? My boy for not being bale to share? Or the older child for just muscling in and should they know better if they're older? When we're with family or friends I let my boy sort hos own battles out as he's in the safety of family members and/or his own house/familiar environments. But what about out and about? Each time another child came along to play I firmly told my child to play nicely and share etc but other parents, if they were around, didn't. Should I let him get on with it? Or encourage as I do when we're out? Or am I teaching him that if somebody muscles in on his activity he must step up and is that therefore teaching him that hos needs are secondary to others?

( Some background, I am socially seemingly quite confident but actually not very so I'm keen to ensure my kids are polite, friendly but not door mats!) Be kind as sleep is few and far between right now!

• he must step BACK

Sorry for few typos.....😴

I don't think anyone was particularly at fault.

4yo might be older, but they are still learning to share too.

Your DS needs to be encouraged to share communal toys (but not necessarily immediately).
The other boys need to be encouraged to wait their turn a while.
You did just fine.

Ive got four kids and have been throb this scenario so many times over the years yet still don't really know the best way to handle it.

It tend to just join in the play and put on a jolly voice while trying to include everyone. "Oooh look at this fancy car. It can go so fast. I like your car , can you tell me about?" While calmly ignoring the screaming and snatching that's going on around me

through this scenario

I agree, I think you did fine too.

I encourage my DC to share if a toy is large and therefore shareable (as the garage sounds like it was), but if it's a one person toy I tell my DC they can finish their turn then let the other child have a turn.

Thanks so much for the reassurances. Really appreciate it. I did do a bit of over enthusiastic play!! I find sharing such a hard concept to teach and encourage. Like I said before, I obviously want him to know how to share but not to be a complete door mat, as I feel I can be. So I know this is an emotion rooted within myself which J dobt want to see replicated in him. I always put other people's needs before my own, often to the detriment of myself. I'm getting better with age but very self aware. He can fight his own battles perfectly well but I also didn't want him to come across as some spoilt little sod in the corner.

As per icingsausage -I find chikdren understand turn taking more than sharing too and you can even define a turn in time or number of swings etc.

I don't think either are 'at fault'; both reactions are completely understandable and age appropriate. Teenagers problems sharing, really? I suppose after early childhood years, there are few scenarios where you're forced to sshare and ironically it's the age it's hardest, developmentally. Imagine a similar scenario for yourself- you're in a phone shop say, 'playing' with the latest iPhone model and someone comes in and tries to take it. The assistant tells you they're for everyone and you must share or you'll have to leave! :) Sounds like you're expecting to much of them. They often sort it out for themselves e.g. another child tried to pull a toy from my ds at playgroup but he held on tight and the other child moved on. No intervention needdd. Sometimes you might need to say the second child can have it when the other's finished or initiate turns if someone is waiting or upset. Over timevyou can teachyour child to ask for a turn or respond if asked.

A child complained to me in the playground once that my ds wasn't sharing and he 'had to' - he had just arrived and had helped himself to my ds' toys without asking! Hardly sharing! Sharing is a positive thibg and certainly is to be encouraged but as adults we don't share much really, aren't forced to and rarely would with a stranger.. all thoughts to ponder on! :)

Share is too vague a word for many children. If they are both wanting to play with the same toy seperatly, use the term 'take turns'. You could say 'my Tims having a turn and when he's fishished it will be your turn'. Or if you want to use your watch - 'Tim is playing with the car for three minutes, then you can have a turn for three minutes'

Yes Icing, the garage was shareable! I asked him to let the other boy play with one section and he play with the other, whilst breastfeeding a nosy baby! I spoke to him afterwards one to one and told him about sharing and he said "sorry mummy" and I felt awful. I don't think he's as bad at nursery as hr knows the kids. I also know that the chances are the other kids only want to suddenly play with it as he wants it so much and it's not the toy they are "fighting" over, more trying to establish who the alpha male is!

Last weekend we went to a birthday party and there was a mini tussle over some plastic skittles. The other kid whacked my son three times over the head with one of the skittles!

The reality is , is that sharing is not a very human trait. Think of yourself / ourselves - we don't share partners, food, mobiles... we as adults would hate to share all these things and we expect Our toddlers to do it! !

I think if a child is playing with a toy , then it is "theirs" for the time being and encouraging a turn like a precious poster said is the best scenario.

I feel Sorry for toddlers expected to give their toy away the moment someone else wants it ! !

Yes mikado, some of the younger kids I teach struggle to share a text book properly or share coloured pencils on the table....Oh and glue sticks!!! Perhaps I've got all the tricky kids

I agree with the idea that sharing is a tricky concept and the iPhone analogy is true. It would seem rude if that happened in the adult world. And that was one of my points really, although I didn't express it so well. K actually feel that when another child muscles in, I actually favour the other child as I don't want to be seen to be favouring mine or pandering to him!!! (DH totally thinks I overthink this shit and I believe I do but he's not with the kids as much as me!)

Agree Buddy, if my son jumped in and started nicking another's toy, regardless of ownership, I'd reprimand my son.....Other parents don't seem to. I guess it depends too on the parents' viewpoints on sharing and good manners.

Sounds like you did fine OP.

But like Janice I never know exactly what is best.

I don't think you did anything wrong.

I must admit I don't stay right next to my child and talk about sharing anytime another child comes on the scene. I mostly let the kids sort it out themselves within reason. I also feel sorry for the toddlers expected to give up a toy straightaway. I do keep an eye from a distance and intervene if I see anyone getting stressed or snatching. I tend to talk to all the children about sharing not just mine.

I'm a primary teacher myself and don't see those issues (text books, glues)! I'm surprised at that really. Don't worry about pandering, he needs you to have his back. Sounds like he was within his rights to hang on to garage. Later he'll realise it's more fun to share and to play with others. I am the same as you with the over thinking and the pleasing myself. But on this one I'm pretty happy (5y on) and equally I point out to my dc if another child has something they can choose something else. I want them to see their needs as important, share for the right reasons when they're developmentally ready and respect others' rights to their own belongings too.

It's so difficult.

The only person more enraged than a young child forced to share is the young child they aren't sharing with.

We have a family 'rule' that favourite or new toys aren't automatically shared. It would be very kind to share but it's up to the owner.

Communal toys are shared. Someone who has been kind enough to come and visit you should be able to play with you with your things unless it's a new/ favourite toy. So dnephews cuddly is never up for sharing. Or dnieces baby. Or ds's newest charity shop bargain. But other toys are. Because it's kind.

It's all you can do really.

Trying to get my 2 year old and 3.5 year old to share is becoming increasingly like pissing in the wind. The 2 year old will go 'SHARE IT!!!' but means 'give whatever you have to me immediately'. The boy just holds onto whatever he has very tightly until the other child either gives up or gets properly violent. Tbh most places I go it just ends up with all of the parents doing their best not to look like knobs and the kids pleasing themselves as if we weren't there!

Both Janet lansbury and teacher Tom have some good blog posts on sharing.

I am now trying to work out sibling sharing with personal toys... v hard to come up with a consistent approach.

Often the word 'sharing' can be understood by toddlers as being taken away. In toddler groups/when friends come to play, etc and another child wants something your DS is playing with, he's probably told to 'share' which doesn't actually mean sharing, it means someone takes away the toy he had!

In cases with smaller toys, I would say to the other child 'DS is just playing with that, I'm sure he'll give you a turn when he's finished'.

With bigger toys like the garage, it's sometimes best not to say anything when another DC comes to play. If your DS starts to get anxious, say to him 'don't worry DS, you can keep playing with it' this way he is being reassured that his fun with it won't stop rather than thinking he's got to 'give up' part of it by being told to 'share with the other boy'.

When the other boy tried to take it away, I would have asked him to leave it where it was as DS was playing with it. If your DS sees you sticking up for him he's likely to feel less worried about having to share.

When you've got a 2 year old, 4 seems really old but it's not at all, it's still only little and at that age they are still learning about playing together, etc.

I don't think small kids really do share. They tend to play on their own with other kids beside them. Playing interactive games together comes much later. I think you're often better just getting them to take turns when they are small.
I also think when your child is small you think of older children as being much more grown up. When your child is a bit older you realise how immature they still are at that age. It sounds as though they were all under 5, so still immature and self centred and prone to get excited at new toys and rubbish at social etiquette usually.

I tend to play it by ear but my toddler has the added complication of ASD. Quite often she will be playing in a way that I can tell is actually her trying to calm herself down and block out the surroundings. When she is doing that i tend to say to other kids to let her finish and then its their turn. I try not to let her snatch and if I know shes perfectly ok at that moment and she has had something a while I will ask her to let someone else have a turn

I think for personal toys kids get a rough deal re inforced sharing. No-one forces me to share my bike, ipod, instruments etc. They're mine and I might let someone else use them if I don't want them and I'm sure they won't damage them. You share or take turns with communal stuff but I see no reason why kids should share personal stuff any more than adults do.
Different if you invite a friend round to play, but you only do that if the child wants a play mate and is willing to share stuff.
Siblings should learn to enjoy their own stuff and not just covet the new stuff their sib has only just got.

Complex isn't it but I'm glad I'm not the only one who wonders over this. It's nice to have other views.

Mikado, tbh re secondary school kids sharing - I'm actually thinking of two very tricky KS3 classes who are very immature. Other classes are actually fine when I think about it!

So I'll carry on doing what I'm doing. I think I'll encourage more turn taking and 'timing' rather than the phrase 'share'. I also feel more confident now to put his needs a bit more in the forefront. I'd hate his little brain to be whirring away thinking "why's mummy siding with the other kid?" He ha ls a younger sister so he'll be learning a few more lessons in sharing soon once she starts licking his cars and chewing on his books!

I have a 20m old and I have no idea what to do when I take him out. He is very sociable but when he starts fighting over a toy with another child I don't have a clue