Other people's kids and sharing

[AloeVeraSeeYaCilla]

Today I went to a summer fête type activity with my DS who is 2.9 and my baby DD. My DS is quite shy and takes a good half hour to warm up and start getting involved in activities. He's obsessed with cars and trains, like most boys of a similiar age. He was happily playing with a garage and putting the cars in and out and another boy came over and started to get involved and try and play. The other boy was nearly 4 as I'd already chatted to his mum earlier on.

So, when the other lad started to want to play I told my boy to let him join in, explained that the toys were for everyone to play with and that it's kind to share. The pair of them started muscling in on the toy and neither appeared to want to give up. The other lad's mum had disappeared. I told my son that if he couldn't share we'd go home. The older boy eventually got bored and wandered off.

Another lad comes along and the same scenario plays out. He's older and just tries to take the garage from my son and start playing. I was talking to my DH about it and how to encourage sharing and as a secondary teacher I know that kids struggle with it in their teenage years. But who is at fault? My boy for not being bale to share? Or the older child for just muscling in and should they know better if they're older? When we're with family or friends I let my boy sort hos own battles out as he's in the safety of family members and/or his own house/familiar environments. But what about out and about? Each time another child came along to play I firmly told my child to play nicely and share etc but other parents, if they were around, didn't. Should I let him get on with it? Or encourage as I do when we're out? Or am I teaching him that if somebody muscles in on his activity he must step up and is that therefore teaching him that hos needs are secondary to others?

( Some background, I am socially seemingly quite confident but actually not very so I'm keen to ensure my kids are polite, friendly but not door mats!) Be kind as sleep is few and far between right now!

I personally disagree with timing, unless absolutely necessary, as it takes the little bit of ownership of the situation from them, and can lead to having to forcibly remove the toy.. when little sis starts moving ensure ds has a high up spot to move any precious things to so he knows you get it and will help him have how own things and space :)

Yes, encourage sharing when doable (garage with multiple cars is a good example) but not sharing in the sense of forcing them to give the toy away.
I had to sack a nanny over this (and other things) as her reaction when the DC were fighting over a toy was to take it away, even if one DC was playing with it first and was just trying to protect it from the other one trying to snatch it.
As someone said upthread, at the Apple store you wouldn't let someone take the demo phone from your hands if you are using it.

I have a bit of a problem with sharing. As adults we don't always share.
If a friend likes my car and asks to drive it I won't 'share' my car.
Similarly if a child is playing with a toy why should they have to give it away just because some other kids wants it. Especially if it's their toy.
Taking turns is a much better idea.

The taking turns with a timer can be effective, as it requires that all involved agree to relinquish control to the alarm on the phone.

So get agreement about how long the first turn is, set phone, when alarm goes ask child to hand toy over to other child and repeat.

actually feel that when another child muscles in, I actually favour the other child as I don't want to be seen to be favouring mine or pandering to him!!!
I think a lot of parents do this. It's hard isn't it.

I've found when they realise that they won't be forced to give up what they are playing with, they tend to find sharing/taking turns a lot easier.

As adults we don't really share our own stuff or communal stuff in the way we expect children to. Imagine being at the gym and you've just got on the treadmill and you then have to get off because someone else wants a turn.
Or you sit down in costa on a comfy couch and then have to move before you are finished as someone else wants a turn of that seat. Or the staff make you 'share' the couch with someone else even though there are other seats available.

I think there is too much focus and sharing and not enough on stopping your child from going over and taking a toy that someone else is playing with. I've seen it so often at toddler groups and with other parents. I have a friend who came over with her toddler recently. Every single thing my DD picked up, friends child immediately tried to take from her, DD gave it up every time and moved onto something else only for the same thing to happen again and again. Every time the mum told her child that she had to share and 5 minutes and she could have it. That's not sharing that's giving it up because another child demanded it.

Any time mine wanted a toy that someone else was playing with, I'd direct them to something else because that wasn't available.

I like this approach to sharing, and encourages children to want to share:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/parenting/its-ok-not-to-share/amp

I would never allow my toddler to take a toy from another child in the name of 'sharing'. I would tell him someone else is playing with it and just distract him with something else.

Problem is other parents can't bear to tell their DC 'no'.

Same goes for parents who allow their DC to hog a communal toy for an entire session.

It is difficult balance between backing up your DC and not looking like an arse. No one wants to end up in a tussle with a random 3yo over a Thomas the Tank train

Trb17 I've read that before, it's really good.

I don't really like forcing kids to share with a timer. Toddlers don't really have a concept of time and it's not teaching them that sharing/taking turns feels nice, just forcing them to give up something they were playing with before they were finished.

We wouldn't do this as adults, say in a cafe passing a newspaper backwards and forwards using a timer because someone else came in and wanted the paper you were in the middle of reading. Imagine how frustrated you would feel, you couldn't enjoy reading it knowing you might be interrupted mid article when the bell went! Especially if it could be after 2 minutes or 20 minutes as setting a timer of 5 minutes to a toddler is just meaningless to them.

A child psychologist once told me that until a child is 5 , they don't get the concept that something can leave their hand, and in the future they can get it back. So the whole taking turns thing is really fraught.

Thanks so much for all your replies. Definitely food for thought!

I think my adult dd has got it right, in that if there is a toy that my dgd isn't prepared to share, she should leave it at home or put it out of the way when others come around.

We always take some toy cars with us to the park or when we are out, I find telling my DS 2.8 to take turns rather than share, so say let 'child' have a go now for a bit and then you can have a go.

It does annoy me when other parents don't do this, so my DS is letting others play with the toy and then they don't give it back, or the parents laugh and say oh yes 'child' doesn't like to share even after seeing my DS share with them or little 'child' just snatching the toy.

I have a friend and her son is a year older than mine,and although the boys are friends I get annoyed on play dates encouraging my DS to take turns on a toy and her DS never gives the toy back.

I'm not saying my DS always wants to share/take turns but I do encourage it. He does have one toy that is his favourite and I don't make him share that one, so I always say well you've got this toy so let 'child' play with this one.

Why do paragraphs never work on my phone

It's not sharing if they don't want to give it up and it is taken off them. This makes it less likely for them to want to 'share' again. We do whoever is playing with a toy gets to keep it until they are finished unless it's been a very very long time and we set an alarm so they have time to prepare for giving it up; all special toys/ lovies are put away for playdates.

If my 20 year old takes his mountain bike or inline skates or skate board to the park he isn't expected to share them with random young adults. My kids never took stuff like toy cars to the park but if they did I wouldn't expect them to hand them over to random kids who fancy a go. I would also never have expected kids who took toys to the park to let him play with them. Different if you're meeting someone with kids at the park. Then you're expected to share stuff you take, but not randoms. When my daughter was small she used to push dolls in prams in the park. I would never have expected kids she didn't know to come and ask for or demand a turn. They can take a doll to the park next time.