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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In being upset by friend's text?

58 replies

Cheekyfuckerneighbour · 04/08/2017 18:35

So dh and I have been friends with this couple for four years. They have a dc the same age as ours.

We see them once or twice a week and we consider them some of our best friends.

It's her birthday coming up and I text her to ask her if she had plans for it.

She replied "I'm going to xxxxx for dinner with my girlfriends. Then a family lunch the next day."

I replied "oh that's sounds fun! Nice your birthday falls on a day with so much fun stuff going on." (There's a street parade and party in the evening which they asked us to last year and we've talked about ever since as it was so fun.)

Nothing back. Clearly I'm not invited to dinner and we aren't invited to the other stuff either.

The group of girls she's going out with are from her hometown so I don't hang out with them as much as the rest of our group of friends but I've met most of them.

Aibu by being a bit hurt? I'm wondering whether to back off the relationship a bit.

The last two times dh or I have text them both to do anything they've completely ignored us. But then will ask us to something at their house and be perfectly nice.

Confused and feeling a little down. I'm 40, I thought I was past this kind of stuff. Sad

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/08/2017 19:34

Could you start your own street party on another date? That would brook some of the disappointment.

Bluffinwithmymuffin · 04/08/2017 19:35

Yanbu but in your shoes I'd back off a bit for a while, without appearing in any way pissed off, and just wait for her to include you again before extending any more invitations to her. You have other friends; don't place too much importance on this one, things change for no apparent reason sometimes, that's the way it goes Flowers

Talith · 04/08/2017 19:37

I think you're overthinking it a bit. She probably sees you as a good friend but perhaps she just has older or closer girlfriends who she is celebrating with.

Original poster
Cheekyfuckerneighbour · 04/08/2017 19:40

We've not fallen out with them that I know of! Her husband is pretty much always the one who invites us to stuff. When she was away a couple of months back he asked us to do a load of stuff with him so dh is thinking maybe he's he one who makes the effort and when it's just her she's not that bothered.

Which would be fine and the different groups thing is fine too but she's happy to come long to any other things I ask her too when there's new people.

And thinking about it, she bought the girls who's birthday it was this week a gift with her (and she's only met her once before) and for my 40th this year she didn't give me so much as a card.

Time to pull up my big girl pants and invest more time in to my other friends I think.

OP posts:
YouRat · 04/08/2017 19:41

I don't think you're overreacting at all op. If you've been close as you say you have been then her not inviting you is hurtful. Wish Her a happy birthday and leave it at that.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/08/2017 19:42

I think so, mabey the husband likes you, but she does not seem into you. The way she said that she was out with her 'girlfriends', that means your not one of them, your not really her friend. If you look at it deeply, its her husband doing all the contacting and arranging, not her. If he was not in the equation, she would not bother with you;

fluffiphlox · 04/08/2017 19:45

I think you're in her B team. Such is life.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/08/2017 19:45

Yes time to invest in other friends, and pull back from this one. Mabey your dh can meet up with her her dh, as they seem friendly. Her lack of gift or card for your 40th, a gift for somebody she barely knows tells you all you need to know how she sees you.

Bluetrews25 · 04/08/2017 19:47

So if the street party is public, and both you and your DH want to go, why not just the two of you go anyway? You can be polite if you bump in to the others, but generally do your own thing? Or am I missing something?

hiphopcat · 04/08/2017 19:49

Poor you OP! I feel for you and have experience similar in the past. I agree with the poster @aeroflotgirl and several others, that this girl doesn't seem to hold you in the same high regard as you hold her. I am sure she does not dislike you,, but you are not at the top of her list of priorities. I'll bet you are at the top of others lists though. Smile

As a few here have said, pull back, stop making such an effort, wait for her to contact you, and start finding/mixing with new friends, or just do stuff with your hubby and family.

I have found that when I do this, I find out who my friends really are. I have found some not being arsed to get in touch at all, and some do get in touch after a month or 2. I have had several who didn't get in touch for 18 months, and then suddenly contact me when they have something to brag about, or moan about. Sometimes by then, I can't be arsed with them.

Just look after yourself and your family OP, and don't keep making such an effort with this woman.

Oh, and whether you are 40 or 14, it doesn't matter. We are all entitled to be hurt and upset when people shit on us!!! And your 'friend' is shitting on you all right; inviting her girls and excluding you, not being arsed with your 40th! Some fucking friend! Confused

P.s. after what I just read about her hubby arranging everything so they can both see you; is there a chance - even very slight, that he may like you a bit more than she would like??? Could this be a reason why she is giving you a wide berth?

Just a thought.

UnicornSparkles1 · 04/08/2017 19:59

She is not a good friend. Time to withdraw.

Original poster
Cheekyfuckerneighbour · 04/08/2017 20:14

Thank you hip hop Smile

OP posts:
littlebird7 · 04/08/2017 20:19

Cheeky - I think your dh and her dh are the good friends here, I am wondering whether she considers you to be a close friend, or whether you are simply the wife of her dh's friend - which would explain her attitude. I would be interested to know how you met her, was it through your dh or was she an old friend of yours?

Either way, someone whom doesn't even bother to send you a 40th birthday card really is no friend of yours, and never will be. That is very hurtful.

If she is an old friend of yours, I am sorry to say she really is not a friend at all....you are really better off investing in some caring friends whom would not dream of being unkind to you. If it were me I would shut the friendship down immediately, and go through your friends and decide which ones you would like to see more of...invite them over plan lots of lovely evenings and dinners and move on.

hiphopcat · 04/08/2017 20:19

You're welcome sweetie. Flowers

FWIW you sound lovely, and I know it sounds like a cliche, but it's your friend's loss!

Aeroflotgirl · 04/08/2017 20:22

Even if she eventually invites you out, unwound decline, your obviously a last resort, you don't want to be desparate for friends, have pride, your worth more than that!

Aeroflotgirl · 04/08/2017 20:24

I agree with littlebird, that's probably how she sees youc.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/08/2017 20:25

Did you ever meet up without your husbands?

PrimalLass · 04/08/2017 20:33

We had this. Friends one minute, crossing the road to avoid us the next. Didn't speak for months then started acting like nothing had happened. Some people are just weird users.

SuperBeagle · 04/08/2017 20:39

I hang out with different people/groups all the time without having them crossover.

Also your anxieties and OCD are your responsibility, not hers. It's probable they are affecting your view here, but you need to acknowledge that.

Original poster
Cheekyfuckerneighbour · 04/08/2017 20:56

We've been friends for four years. It was her and I that became friends first.

We've hung out a lot on our own.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheekyfuckerneighbour · 04/08/2017 20:57

But people here don't do the different group thing Beagle.

I'm used to the different friend groups thing as I've lived in London most of my life but as I said in a previous post, that's not how it is around here. And not how she is either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheekyfuckerneighbour · 04/08/2017 20:57

And when did I say she was responsible for my anxiety or that it was her problem?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheekyfuckerneighbour · 04/08/2017 20:59

Although dh and her husband get on really well I'd say her dh and me get on better. Dh really gets on with her DH's Dad which she's really oddly snippy and snarky about.

OP posts:
Areyoulocal · 04/08/2017 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Cheekyfuckerneighbour · 04/08/2017 21:12

Dh is a bit like a puppy and already bounding on to the next thing whereas I get all broody and 'was it my fault?' Grin

OP posts:
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