Was MiL being unreasonable and impeccably rude?

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It was my OH's birthday and my MIL bought him tickets for all three of us to go to a museum exhibition. On the day we were going to the Museum, she picked us up from our house so she could drive us to the train station. While we were putting our shoes on, she read through his cards. I'd written in mine to him "Happy Birthday. I hope you've had a good year and there's plenty more to look forward to in the near future" aiming at all the trips we've got booked etc.
Later, we were in the queue at the museum with about 200 people. She said to me"Oh, I saw your card... Are you pregnant?! I can't say I didn't notice!" and stared at my belly.
I have recently put on a bit of weight- something which she constantly digs at... "Oh, I never thought you were going to stop eating! Well, I suppose you still would be if you hadn't eaten everything on your plate".... "You need to get yourself down to Zumba with me".... "Have you joined the gym yet?"
Usually the jives are out of OH's earshot, but this time it wasn't and he said absolutely naff all! So I stood, gobsmacked and embarrassed in a packed queue of around 200 people.
I'm actually really pissed off about it. What would you have done and how do I not snap her neck the next time I see her?

I feel your pain and what crazykitten20 says.

I 'used' to have one of those mother-in-laws with no boundaries and ahe regularly left my jaw on the floor (actually FIL too). With the facilitation of my ex-DH, it was vile.

DH really needs to stick up for you.

And if you do have kids in the future, MIL may have just waved a huge red flag regarding what's to come...

I have one of these MILS. She uses the excuse of "I speak my mind" as a reason to be an utter bitch, plus the fact she is not English that she doesn't understand (she's lived in the UK 50+ years so she should understand by now!).

She'd always make the horrid barbed comments when my OH was in conversation with his Dad so he always missed them and if I told him after, would say I was over reacting. Fast forward many years, we had our son. In conversation she said that our perfectly healthy happy baby could end up in a wheelchair in a few years as "well no one knows what the future holds". Luckily as our son was just starting to walk and OH was videoing it, we caught her comment on tape. OH watched it and was mortified, called her out on it and now totally understands that I want nothing to do with her. It's taken about 20 years but finally she knows that her actions have cost her her relationship with her son, DIL and grandson and I do feel a little sad over that, but it's her doing and I've given her far too many second chances to go back now.

On slightly different note, although still related to your OP, I HATE when people come round and read your cards! Whether it's birthday, Anniversary etc... I have written a personal message in there for that person and it makes me cringe when other people read it.

How shit-staggeringly rude of her to do that- and in front of an audience. When I've had similar, I find a blunt reply that makes them feel foolish and is delivered with a sunny smile usually does the trick. If I were you, I may have also responded to MIL with "No, but your son LOVES my new curves, so after he sees me in his present tonight, I'll keep you posted". And she was VERY rude to read your cards!!

Op I very nearly started a thread about something a bit similar. Every damn occasion even valentines and our wedding Anniversary my mil reads our cards. I'm really uncomfortable with this. My fil was here the last time she did this ( they are divorced) and told her she was being extremely rude. She asked if we had a problem with it. So I took the opportunity and told her actually I did to which she just carried on reading . I now put the cards in my room. Oh and she actually reads them out loud cringe. The stuff I could write on here would shock many. She is the rudest person I've ever met and really brings out the bad in me. I'm always polite and welcoming to guests but the minute she walks through the door my back is up. Her ladtest thing is asking where I am and am I still in bed . I'm up at 6 every damn day. Phew that felt good lol sorry.

And just seen other posters hate card readers. Good !!! I've never had anyone else do this before. And it's certainly never crossed my mind too at someone else's house. She babysat last week. (I rarely ask )Always answers my landline and literally ask people what they are ringing for. The council rang last time about a wasps nest. But they wouldn't tell her why they were calling. She actually asked me why the council were calling. My face . And no I didn't tell her. Sometimes I turn the phones of

The reason I don't snap back is because I fully believe that she is doing it on purpose for the sake of creating a wedge between me and her "boy".

Well he is behaving like a boy isn't he? He needs start behaving like a man, call her and tell her she's out of order. Otherwise she can have him back.

My MIL is totally well meaning but much too pushy. Our relationship has always been strained, mainly because she doesn't like the fact that I don't call her myself. She compares me to my DBIL's DW, who does call her. The difference is that DBIL doesn't call her whereas my DH calls her faithfully and they talk for 45 minutes leaving him shattered afterwards because of her rambling on about issues that she has on her mind. (Meaning that he often doesn't get to the reason why he called in the first place and has to call again!)

There was one time when we had a blazing row last year. We had come to visit her and she was miffed that DD2 wouldn't go to her, and was a bit clingy with me. (She was only 4 then!) MIL compared her to DH as a boy, who apparently was never like that. But of course, he's not adopted but let's not allow reality to play a part! It wasn't the first time she'd ever said something like that, but I responded by defending my DD of, it all got more heated, and she said, 'We of course know why that is!'(Meaning I was to blame for her clinginess.)

She really was angry that day; I don't know what she thought I should have done differently. The worst thing was that DD2 was afraid of her after that and didn't want to go back to her house. We were in a premier inn so it was easy enough to facilitate this.

It doesn't normally get as bad as that. But I always feel that DH gets very passive and doesn't stand up to his DM.

@Mittens1969

But I always feel that DH gets very passive and doesn't stand up to his DM.

I was in a relationship with a man who revered his mother and would never stand up to her. Mummies boys are very worrying 🙄

@crazykitten20, it's hard to imagine a massive change as well, as DH is 52 now. He does generally do what I ask, he didn't insist on going back to his DM's house. It's the fact that he lets me know how uncomfortable he feels about it and I end up feeling like the bad guy.

@Mittens1969

Exactly! My ex DP always explained how wrong I was to try to drive a wedge between his mother and him. A chink of light would have been good enough for me. A fucking wedge would have shocked me too much 😂😉

Your MIL should be more careful trying to embarrass you in that kind of queue. Be grateful you're naturally kinder than me. I'd have blurted something like this before I could help myself:

'Watch it there, Maude, or we'll have to leave you here at the museum with all the other dinosaurs and old relics'. Nudge Nudge Smile.

@crazykitten20, it's nice to have someone on here get it.

It's so hard because MIL comes across as lovely and actually she is in many ways. I'm always going to be the unreasonable one in a lot of people's eyes. It's the intensity of the relationship she wants with DH and me too, it's overpowering. She is mostly a good grandma to the DDs, with the blip described in my previous post. DD2 can be very clingy and she's been like that with most adults apart from me and DH. DD1 loves her grandma.

It's about boundaries. She and DH's late FIL always allowed their lives to be dominated by their parents and she's always expected the same. The first issue to.come up was what I would call her. I refused to call her mum, I called her by her first name and have stuck with that. I remember her saying in my hearing that her MIL would have been devastated if she hadn't called her mum. But I just don't want to.

The reason it's gone on so long is that 8 months after DH and I got married, my FIL died in a car crash. Obviously MIL needed a lot of emotional support and for at least a year afterwards DH was calling her every day. But we were also having to support my DSIS, who was going through a marriage break up having been a victim of domestic violence. And we were also going through infertility, hence why we eventually adopted.

And now I'm dealing with traumatic memories of childhood abuse. So I did need my DH's support as well. (I think she forgot that he himself was grieving his dad as well at times, she relied on him so much.)

BIL and his DW had small children so BIL was better at maintaining their boundaries and still are.

Long post. It's not something that's easy to ahare but at least this is anonymous! Thank you for your supportive comments.

Hope you're in a better place now?

@Mittens1969

I'm fine now thank you. My relationship with XDP taught me a lot. Not least that people rarely change. I so wanted XDP's mother to like me and for DP to put me first sometimes. Not first over his kids but first over his Mum sometimes. But it didn't happen and I learned a lot. Rid of him now and his family. Such a relief 💕💕

I'm so sorry that you've been through such a difficult time. Are your parents still here?

MIL was also obsessed that being thin was the only important thing in life. She was thin, it was caused by poor health and a shit diet. She thought all women should be 'slimming' all the time.

She said rude things to me for decades when DH was out of ear shot.
My answer...didn't answer, walked out of the room. In fact over the years we spoke very little as she had nothing worthwhile to say to me (after DD was born the comments were about her or my raising of her).

The problem for her is we lived 6 hours away - I was less than enthusiastic about visiting. If I had been we would have visited MUCH more as DH isn't very organised.

I'm amazed so many MILs are so rude and think you are going to go out of your way to spend time with them....eeer no.

@crazykitten20, again, thanks for asking. DM is alive, she's controlling and isn't an easy person to have around. The DDs love their granny so I have to make it work. She does look after them sometimes and it's not too bad, but she's nearly 78 so what she can do with them is limited.

It's tricky for both me and my DSIS, who also has DCs, as she didn't keep us safe when we were children so there is resentment there. (Our brother is very damaged and seriously mentally ill.)

She was emotionally abusive with us, so I am on my guard.

My father has been dead for many years.

"So if you ever want to know why I never saw you again, MIL... think back to that question you just asked."

@Mittens1969 you've had a tough time 💜💛💜

Bloody hell, I'm livid on your behalf reading this and I don't even know you, so how your DH could stand there and not comment mystifies me!

My MIL is like this, she is obsessed with women's weight. In her case, she hasn't had a job outside the home and I think she sees being thin as her towering achievement in life

@TheLuminaries Thank you for this

What a beautiful point, well put well written .

My mil is exactly the same .

The bitter and spiteful way she manages to imbue the word F A T with bile and hate is an achievement. And I am FAT!

My MIL is not careful about what she says in front of the DDs, she never has been. She's thankfully not like OP's MIL, though. That would be my DM, it would be for my benefit though, to her mind.

I think age plays a part in at least some of these cases. Both my DM and my MIL are in their late 70s.

@crazykitten20, thanks for your support on here. This is a good, supportive forum and I'm glad I joined.

Is it possible that your H has an issue with your weight as well? Otherwise I can't understand why he won't stick up for you.

My Dad exclaimed loudly how much weight I had put on one time - five months pregnant - just as I was getting off a crowded train. I didn't say anything till he repeated it twice more in a shocked tone. In the end I said "yeah well I am pregnant but it would still take TWO of me to make you". He sulked the rest of the weekend. Likes dishing it out but can't take it.