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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was MiL being unreasonable and impeccably rude?

74 replies

QuickCloseTheCurtains · 04/08/2017 16:44

It was my OH's birthday and my MIL bought him tickets for all three of us to go to a museum exhibition. On the day we were going to the Museum, she picked us up from our house so she could drive us to the train station. While we were putting our shoes on, she read through his cards. I'd written in mine to him "Happy Birthday. I hope you've had a good year and there's plenty more to look forward to in the near future" aiming at all the trips we've got booked etc.
Later, we were in the queue at the museum with about 200 people. She said to me"Oh, I saw your card... Are you pregnant?! I can't say I didn't notice!" and stared at my belly.
I have recently put on a bit of weight- something which she constantly digs at... "Oh, I never thought you were going to stop eating! Well, I suppose you still would be if you hadn't eaten everything on your plate".... "You need to get yourself down to Zumba with me".... "Have you joined the gym yet?"
Usually the jives are out of OH's earshot, but this time it wasn't and he said absolutely naff all! So I stood, gobsmacked and embarrassed in a packed queue of around 200 people.
I'm actually really pissed off about it. What would you have done and how do I not snap her neck the next time I see her?

OP posts:
SapphireStrange · 04/08/2017 18:05

Just say "DH, your mother has just said X, do you have an answer for that?" all nice and sunnily, innocently smiling.

I agree with this. If he won't stand up for you, make him face the consequences of her behaviour. She's a rude cunt.

Ceto · 04/08/2017 18:18

I then get accused by OH when I say no thank you that I'm not making an effort.

Tell him you'll start making an effort when she starts making the effort to be minimally polite, and that unless and until he is prepared to step up to the plate and tell her her behaviour is not acceptable you will not be engaging with her any more.

Genghi · 04/08/2017 18:20

Just tell her firmly that if you were pregnant she'd be the last to know: then tell your dh it was a 'joke like the ones his mum tells' when he kicks off.

OfficerVanHalen · 04/08/2017 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

winglesspegasus · 04/08/2017 18:30

being the bitch that i am
would have countered with- no are you?
not helpful i know
but too many mns are wasting their lives worrying about inlaws.
first mil was a total cunt and i rarely use that word.3 hours with her and never saw her again.
weirdly enough she now lives 20 minutes away.

Penny4UrThoughts · 04/08/2017 18:32

'Why are you asking me? Surely it would be up to your son to tell you what is going on in his life if and when he chooses to.'

Pigface1 · 04/08/2017 18:35

Have you been able to speak to your DH in private about this particular incident? If so, what's he said? Surely he must at least recognise how embarrassing and hurtful this was for you?

Bluffininmymuffin · 04/08/2017 18:42

Today 18:24 OfficerVanHalen

Yeah sounds v rude but i doubt all 200 people in the queue were listening to your mil tbh

This, above. Still not nice though, poor you OP. You need to take some pps advice and respond with like for like - or just laugh loudly next time then glance around at whoever may be listening and say in a stage whisper:"she can't help it, poor love, it's an old age thing...."

Maelstrop · 04/08/2017 18:45

Ok, so next time, never mind the 'Did you mean to be so rude', go straight to the 'You are fucking rude, why do you persistently have a go? Does it make you feel better about your own shitty life?'

And serious words with your DP about him visiting her alone. Why should you with him only to be insulted?

Cring · 04/08/2017 18:53

Best response would be:

"I was going to ask you the same thing, but I guess at your age it would be somewhat impossible! Not going to Zumba anymore?"

milliemolliemou · 04/08/2017 19:04

Just ask her "I'm sorry, what did you say?" as if deaf. Often rude and insensitive people find it hard to repeat rude and insensitive things.

If it doesn't work and she repeats then say "I didn't believe you said that the first time."

Just don't go nuclear. No need to involve DH - he probably couldn't think of any good repartee on the spot either. But worth discussing calmly with him how to deal with it.

Cring · 04/08/2017 19:06

YY to asking her to repeat herself. Then say: "I must remember to tell (friend's name) that one. Your pithy comments are becoming cult legend in my group of friends!"

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 04/08/2017 19:13

You are an adult. She is speaking to you. You don't require your DH to hide behind and defend you. You deal with her comments towards you.

pinkdonkey · 04/08/2017 19:20

Did your DH notice what she had said? I once had a very embarasing situation with someone was refering to "my condition" (I wasn't pregnant at the time) DH was completely oblivious until I explained the conversation to him step by step later.

youarenotkiddingme · 04/08/2017 19:46

When she does stuff out of earshot call OH over and say "your mum thinks I eat too much and I'm fat - what do you say to that?"

Put him in the position where he has to do and say something.

Raver84 · 04/08/2017 19:53

It's a very rude thing to day. I understand how you feel and often you get caught so off guard you freeze on the spot. A simple 'pardon?' Should nip it in the bud she is unlikely to insult you twice in a row from my experience.

I know this as my mil has run me down with subtle and more obvious spiteful comments over the last decade. It's now so obvious to me she does it on purpose I just don't answer at all, or i look at her like she has gone bonkers and then ignor her some more.

When she came to my house to collect dd on Tuesday her first comment was not a "good motning" but instead.... "just looking at all the weeds in your front garden". Wtf.

This was a nice change as Usually the first comment is (whilst screwing her face up) "you look tired have you not slept?" .

Our relationship has broken down beyond repair as she constantly critises me and whereas in my younger years I thought I'd give her the benefit of the doubt now I know she is just downright rude, offensive and out to cause upset. She constantly goes against my wishes resulting in hardly ever seeing the grandchildren anymore. Family events have become very strained and I dread going. Fwiw I prob do look tired I have a newborn and three other dc under 7. I was brought up with the ethos of if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all. Thankfully my dh supports me and knows what she is like ad he says he's had 45 years of it.

buttfacedmiscreant · 05/08/2017 02:08

I would send him the following

"Dear DH, you have three choices...

  1. You can stop expecting me to spend time with someone who is rude to your wife
  1. You can stick up for me and tell her it is rude and knock it off
  1. We can talk about it in counselling.

If you don't make a choice I will do one or more of the following

  1. refuse to see her again
  1. tell her in less than diplomatic terms what I think of her rudeness
  1. talk about you and your mother in counseling."
CardsforKittens · 05/08/2017 02:18

Yeah, your partner really should stick up for you.
But public rudeness is really hard to deal with - although a bit of sarcasm can sometimes help. Or a dismissive response like 'what an extraordinary question!' And refuse any further discussion.

alittlepieceofme · 05/08/2017 02:59

My mil made fun of my weight while pregnant, firstly she called me enormous/huge at my baby shower, can't remember which word was used! When sil pulled her up on it she said 'well she is'!
Second time she said to sil put that photo on Facebook and say who ate all the pies! And her final time she made fun of my walk, by this point in my pregnancy I was having problems with my hips and walking was almost impossible/incredibly painful!

Now that DS is here she acts like my best friend! I see her once a week and that's it! Before I was pregnant she was a massive bitch to me! OH doesn't seem to think she is that bad and it's put a massive strain on our relationship!

Sashkin · 05/08/2017 03:38

YADNBU. Is her name Penny by any chance?

AuntieVenom · 05/08/2017 05:50

The other option is if she's doing this out of earshot of your husband is to do exactly the same back and then when she complains use her phrase of "only joking" right back or, if you want to be even more stirry say something along the lines of "come on now MIL why are you telling such lies, I never said any such thing". Do that enough and she'll soon leave you alone. Especially if, when you are nasty, you have a smile on your face and use a friendly tone of voice.

mummmy2017 · 05/08/2017 06:18

Answer
YES... it's a food baby.

crazykitten20 · 05/08/2017 06:32

How nasty of her.

I don't believe that people change unless they actively choose to. So imo you can tell her how upset she makes you til you're blue - it won't make any difference.

I would absolutely 100% refuse to see her ever again.

If DH doesn't like it then that's yet another nail in his coffin , for me. Any man who allows his mother supremacy in any way , over his wife - is a twat. Generally twats don't change either.

Look after yourself. Protect yourself. You need to.

kateandme · 05/08/2017 06:35

this isn't on.im sorry.i agree with calling the dh over and saying what he thinks of "..." when she says it.youve tried to ognore you've tried to be nice and let it go.but this is hurtful now and not on!
so stick up for yourself now.dont feel guilt at being rude back.its time for that I think.

Gooseberrycrumble4 · 05/08/2017 06:39

In response you could have asked her if her vaginal thrush has got better or something equally as awful

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