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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To try to speak to the people who were with my dad when he died?

43 replies

MissHMS · 04/08/2017 11:18

On Tuesday I was on holiday in Kefalonia. At about half past nine, I got a call from a local hospital (local to where I live in the U.K. - my dad wasn't on holiday with us) saying my dad had had a huge heart attack and passed away.

I'm very close to my dad, to the point where we bought a house together five years ago and he's been living with me, my partner and our two kids very happily. He was in relatively good health, although had been saying he felt a bit unwell since coming back from his own holiday with his friends last week.

He took himself to the hospital on Monday night without telling us (not wanting to worry us). My brother was with him and he didn't go to the hospital because they both thought he was just feeling a bit breathless and would be ok.
The hospital kept him in overnight and he had the heart attack the next morning.

AIBU to ring the hospital and ask if I could go and speak to the nurses and doctors who looked after him?

I feel very sad that he was alone when he died, guilty for being away and awful for my brother, who massively regrets not going with him.
I feel a real need to know what happened, and I know it sounds silly, but for the people who took care of him to know he was loved, not just left alone because nobody cared about him. I'd also like to thank the person who I spoke to on the phone.

But I know NHS staff are ridiculously busy and they should really be looking after sick people who need them and I don't want to waste NHS time/resources etc. Also not sure what hospital policy is on this kind of thing.

What do you think?

OP posts:
DeriArms · 04/08/2017 11:21

I think it sounds like a good idea. My sisters and I went to speak to the ward manager after my mum died and it was really helpful.
So sorry for your loss OP. Look after yourself.

PearlyPinkNails · 04/08/2017 11:26

So sorry for your loss.

I would take some chocolates to the ward for those who were there, I think talking to them will be a good idea.

Just because you weren't there please don't think anyone would think he wasn't loved, that won't be the case at all Flowers

CaoNiMartacus · 04/08/2017 11:26

I also think it's a good idea.

I spoke to the man who was with my biological father when he passed, and it was comforting to speak to him.

Flowers
Original poster
MissHMS · 04/08/2017 11:27

I think chocolates sound like a lovely idea. But can you just turn up at the hospital? Or should I phone them first?

OP posts:
hopeful31yrs · 04/08/2017 11:28

As a medical professional I'd be happy to spend the time to speak to a relative under these circumstances. The hospital will have a bereavement officer who will know about him and will be able to discuss any issues you have. Please ask to be put through to them.

Original poster
MissHMS · 04/08/2017 11:28

And thank you everyone for your kind words.

OP posts:
JakeChambers · 04/08/2017 11:28

I'm sorry for your loss.

Contact PALS at the hospital and ask if they can arrange a meeting for you. It was a fairly common request to meet with staff following a bereavement at the Trust I worked for, so they won't mind. They may have a Bereavement Services department who can help as well.

kalika · 04/08/2017 11:29

Flowers OP, please do.

The guilt will go. You've nothing to feel guilty about.

x

dadadadathatslife · 04/08/2017 11:29

I think it's a good idea and I think anyone with an ounce of compassion would be more than happy to talk to you.

I'm really sorry you've lost your dad Flowers

ScruffyLookingNerfHerder · 04/08/2017 11:29

Very sorry to read all that.

There's no harm on asking the hospital if you can talk to someone, they must have this sort of thing quite often and might well have a way of helping relatives.

You don't need to do it for them, but it sounds like you and your brother maybe do need to for yourselves

Coldhandscoldheart · 04/08/2017 11:30

Sorry for you loss, it's a tremendous shock.
Phone first, then they are more able to make a bit if time for you, and also maybe bring you in when some if the actual staff members are there. You may only be able to speak to e.g. A doctor and the ward manager, don't expect to be able to talk to everyone involved.

Spuddington · 04/08/2017 11:31

Very sorry for your loss OP. My Dad died when I was barely a teenager, he was on a course a few hundred miles from home. I arranged to speak to the nursing staff a couple of months later and it helped so much. He spent his last hours talking about his family and his hopes for our future.

CPtart · 04/08/2017 11:32

My DM was killed in a car accident last year. She died in theatre after hours of them trying to save her in another part of the country, so no family got to see her. I spoke with the consultant who treated her the night she died. I found it extremely reassuring and comforting. I also sent an email of thanks to the paramedics and A+E staff who tried so hard. They were extremely grateful and I got a written reply. It helped with closure in some small way. I would advise it.

Original poster
MissHMS · 04/08/2017 11:39

Thank you so much for all your advice and compassion. This week has been bloody awful, but the one consistently shining beacon of positivity has been the amount of love and support I've received.

This has come from so many different people...from my best mate taking my kids out for the day before we got back so they wouldn't hear from anyone else before we got home...to the Greek waiters in our hotel who helped my partner organise a flight home and taxis...to a bunch of strangers in the internet helping me with something I'm so wobbly about I haven't even managed to talk to anyone in rl about yet.

Thank you x

OP posts:
FindoGask · 04/08/2017 11:42

Oh my gosh. So sorry to hear this. No, of course you're not being unreasonable. It must be a huge shock.

My mother in law died suddenly on holiday 10 years ago and there was a real sense of unreality about it all because it was so sudden. Because it happened in another country and my husband never saw her body or really heard any details what happened (she had a pulmonary embolism) he struggled to come to terms with it for a long time. I think it would have helped him, in the long run, to know more.

Take care of yourself. x

dontcallmelen · 04/08/2017 11:48

Miss so sorry for your loss💐 Yy really what everyone else has said, I arranged an appointment with the Doctors after my Dad died, found it very helpful hopefully it will help you, take care of yourself.

PurpleDragon76 · 04/08/2017 11:51

Gosh OP, I will admit I am having a little cry at your post. My sincerest condolences on your very sudden loss. Guilt is such a natural part of death but please know your Dad knows you loved him, and thats all that matters. I hope you find support with the hospital Flowers

Blackadderspants · 04/08/2017 11:52

I am so sorry for your loss OP Flowers

Of course you are not unreasonable to want to talk to those who were with your father when he died. I did the same when my Mum died, many years ago now. I spoke with the casualty doctor who had treated her when she was taken to hospital and I'll never forget how kind he was or the time he took to speak with me. As I was the one who found her and called the ambulance, it was immensely comforting.

I am sure the staff will be happy to speak with you, and think the suggestion of taking some chocolates or a gift into the hospital is a good one. I'd also ring first to check when would be a good time for them.

Sending gentle hugs xx

Pombearsandnaiceham · 04/08/2017 11:53

I'm so sorry for your loss FlowersFlowers

kungfupannda · 04/08/2017 11:57

Sorry to hear about the loss of your lovely dad.

When my gran died while I was on my way to the hospital I stopped and bought flowers for the nurse who'd been looking after her. She'd lost three patients that day and cried when I gave her the flowers.

Poshjock · 04/08/2017 11:59

I personally would be happy to talk to any family member about their loved one's passing. Please don't beat yourself up about it, we can't always be there and although you feel he was alone, I am sure he never felt alone - No doubt he would have been telling the hospital staff all about his family and where you were and they would know he was loved. It is such a responsibility to find yourself with someone in their final moments and when their family can't be there I have always tried as much as possible to be a strong presence IYKWIM

Your father had a lovely family around him, even if you were not there in body he knew he was loved and cherished and was never alone. Flowers

inkzooka · 04/08/2017 12:01

Your welfare is also under the NHS, and getting some closure about the circumstances of his death will be beneficial to your mental health now and in the future. Yes, there are patients at hospital who need "more" help, but if we keep denying ourselves help based on who needs it more urgently, nobody will ever be allowed assistance.

They'll appreciate a kind gesture, I'm sure.

Isabella70 · 04/08/2017 12:02

OP - I did this when my father died in similar circumstances (I physically went to the hospital to speak to them). Just bear in mind what others have replied about pressures on NHS staff – in my case the death occurred in A+E and the time they could give me was very limited; I think it might be easier on ward.

SirVixofVixHall · 04/08/2017 12:09

I am so sorry you've lost your Dad. My own Dad died in an ambulance, being transferred from one hospital to another.( He was shocked back to life but then arrested again). I therefore really understand the pain you must be feeling on not being with your Dad when he died, as it is something I struggled with. However, it is very common for people to die when their loved ones leave the room, or aren't there, as though they need to be free to go. (I've experienced this with people close to me). You loved your Dad and he knew that, and in the end that is all that is important. Flowers Flowers Flowers
I agree with all the advice above re contacting the hospital. You could take in chocolates for the nurses when you go in, that is a lovely thought.

SirVixofVixHall · 04/08/2017 12:10

And love to all the others on this thread who have lost a loved one in similar circumstances. Flowers

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