Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Please come and tell me I'm being pathetic and unreasonable

76 replies

Berrybrambles · 04/08/2017 09:35

Firstly my parents do a massive amount for us and are hugely helpful. Every year we go away as a family and we only need spending money as they know we wouldn't be able to go away otherwise.

Anyway I suffer from horrendous anxiety and panic attacks. We used to go abroad but I couldn't cope with flying so we went ferry/coach/train reachable places. Even on the train and car I have panic attacks.

The last couple of years I was persuaded to do a short flight. I did and put up with it but it ruined my holiday as I knew I had to fly back and I also get ridiculously stressed and panicky at the whole airport process too.

Last time we flew I had a huge panic attack and was very distressed and said to my parents I couldn't do it again until my anxiety was under control. They agreed we would go by coach. We looked at loads of coach and ferry trips.

Anyway weeks later and my parents mentioned wanting to go to x place while they had the money to do so. (Three hour flight) I was wary and mentioned about them going alone but then they kept repeatedly saying to the children x place or y amazing place in the sun. Initially the children said x place but then realising it might be the last chance my parents get to go to Y place and because my parents kept asking they changed their minds.

As a result we have a holiday booked for y place with a three hour flight.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm utterly terrified, it is ruining the kids summer holidays as I'm aware I'm more snappy,i can't sleep properly.
I absolutely don't want to go but feel utterly forced into it. I know my parents won't take the kids alone.

I just want to run away.

I feel awful. I know they were trying to do a nice thing and it's cost thousands but I'm gutted. I am going to the GP again but feel like I'm going to go on stronger Meds for the sake of a week in the sun.

Please tell me I'm being an ungrateful idiot.

OP posts:

Original poster

Berrybrambles · 04/08/2017 11:33

All I've had is beta blockers and self help books/videos/hypnotherapy tapes. My doctor isn't super on mental health issues. Because I have other health issues which don't help they tend to treat those rather than the anxiety

OP posts:

Macaroni46 · 04/08/2017 11:34

It sounds like your parents want it all their way and are using their financial status to that effect. They want to go this hot amazing place and they want your kids to come. But knowing you hate flying. Why can't they go on holiday to the hot place by themselves and then either make a donation towards your family so you can go away somewhere that you feel comfortable travelling to or go on another holiday with you reachable by coach or ferry. Or you fund your own, cheaper holiday?
I don't think it's fair to expect them not to go to exotic places only reachable by air because of your anxiety but is unreasonable for them to book it for you.

I also think you need to keep trying to overcome this fear so that you don't limit you and your children's travel options going forwards.
Best of luck OP hopefully some of the pp's suggestions will help you

MrsFrankieHeck · 04/08/2017 11:35

Ask for propanalol for your anxiety.

I was you and now I'm not! Life changing

Violetparis · 04/08/2017 11:44

I don't think you are being pathetic and unreasonable at all but I don't understand why you agreed to go in the first place or why your parents kept asking you. You have said you wouldn't make your parents do anything they were terrified of so why are you ? If they pressurised you into it then it is them being unreasonable and not you.

LagunaBubbles · 04/08/2017 11:44

In fairness it was pretty clear how bad I was last time and how bad I have been before. I insisted we didn't fly till I could get more help

What help did you access?

Miserylovescompany2 · 04/08/2017 11:46

If your GP isn't great? See another one. If you don't feel listened to or your issues properly addressed then changing GP won't be a bad thing.

Given that you don't have a great deal of time to address your anxiety I would also suggest requesting a prescription for Diazepam to take along side your current anxiety medication. To be honest, GP don't like prescribing it so be prepared to have to put up a persuasive argument as to why you need it.

RidingWindhorses · 04/08/2017 11:53

It's fairly easy to get CBT for anxiety attacks on the NHS, just explain how much they're impacting your life and ask your GP to refer you.

You will get 12 sessions with at CBT therapist and they have specific treatment for anxiety attacks.

It's crazy to let them affect your life this much and not get proper treatment.

Have you gone through all the biology of anxiety attacks, so you know they're benign in terms of physical health?

Original poster

Berrybrambles · 04/08/2017 11:53

Thank you.
I think it's more they are convinced I will be fine once I get there. But I've done this twelve times now and each time I feel worse not better!

My kids are older and don't mind flying. Ive tried my hardest to shield them from it but this year I'm just freaking out.

Another couple of years and the kids can fly alone and leave me happy in a soggy Welsh caravan!

OP posts:

CheckpointCharlie2 · 04/08/2017 11:58

Buy the book Power over Panic by Bronwyn Fox. Really helped me overcome panic attacks. But not flying, I decided 15 years ago that was it and havent tried since, but when I was still trying to go on planes, hypnotherapy helped me get one one or two flights so maybe that's worth a go?

Original poster

Berrybrambles · 04/08/2017 11:58

Laguna bubbles its only a few months since but I saw the GP, I told them how bad I was feeling. I asked for help. They wanted to test my thyroid etc first. They discovered pernicious anemia which doesn't help with anxiety and are intent that treating that will stop the anxiety being so bad. I had huge loading injections and further injections and its made no difference. I went back and they did more blood tests. I went back and cried at the nurse and they increased my injections.

OP posts:

Original poster

Berrybrambles · 04/08/2017 12:00

I'm guessing I could probably get an hypnotherapy appointment quite quickly. The tape I had did help. That might be a quick help.

OP posts:

Violetparis · 04/08/2017 12:01

I just don't understand why your parents think it's ok to put you through this stress or why you let them. I think they have been totally selfish in ignoring your anxiety for the sake of a holiday which you don't need to go on in the first place.

JamPasty · 04/08/2017 12:04

It sounds like it's not so much the flying that is the issue, but the claustrophobia (if you can't do lifts etc). Could you maybe try working on that in the run up to the holiday? Eg get your favourite drink/book/magazine/iPad/cake/whatever and sit in a confined space at home for a bit. Initially with the door open and only for a very very short time, but work up to closing the door and being in there longer. Massive rewards for yourself afterwards of course. Make it so it's a routine that you do loads each day so it gets really really boring, eg "I need to brush my teeth, so I will sit in the shed for 2 minutes first". Also incorporate things that you can have with you on the flight as comfort items, so sit in the (eg) shed with a blanket that you can have over you on the flight, so that on the flight you can close your eyes and pretend you are just in your shed at home.

JamPasty · 04/08/2017 12:05

Also, you are allowed to cancel right up until the last minute (it's terrible the D&V that can strike so suddenly and leave you unable to fly :) ), so there is always a way out. If your parents get the huff, well maybe they'll learn not to do this sort of thing to you!

Welshwabbit · 04/08/2017 12:15

Here's some info about EMDR: www.gosh.nhs.uk/medical-information-0/procedures-and-treatments/eye-movement-desensitisation-and-re-processing-emdr

It seems that CBT is also highly recommended for phobias as someone said upthread.

lifebook · 04/08/2017 12:26

Jam possibly the OP actually wants to go on holiday with her family though? Well of course you can just not go but she won't get the money back either and will doubtless feel pretty miserable.

I have a friend who refuses point blank to fly and they drive to france every single year which is a bit dull, her DH takes the DC to other places though so that they don't miss out but such a shame those holidays aren't all together. I suspect she doesn't really want to be helped though and is quite happy at home.

Dawnedlightly · 04/08/2017 12:27

You can sort of 'diy emdr' you need a small craft project, without sharp stuff obviously to start now and associate with calmness- do it the evenings before you go when you relax and take it with you.

Dawnedlightly · 04/08/2017 12:29

Here you go

SaucyJack · 04/08/2017 12:29

"But I've done this twelve times now and each time I feel worse not better!"

Are you able to understand why this is? Presumably the flights themselves are (objectively speaking) safe and non-eventful.

Do you feel coerced in some way to put yourself through the experience, and that you were not in control? Maybe it would help if you were able to write a list of the reasons you want to arrive at the holiday destination for yourself, so that you could see getting through the flight and arriving at the hotel as an achievement that you could relax and reward yourself for afterwards.

Donttouchthethings · 04/08/2017 12:31

I'd suggest seeing an NLP practitioner privately as you should be able to get an appointment in time.

Girty999 · 04/08/2017 12:32

Are you taking any tablets? I have panic attacks and anxiety and gobble down sertraline and that really helps, ask the dr even if it's something for the flights, book the lounge too I find the waiting in busy areas terrible but we book the lounge, it's very chilled out x

JamPasty · 04/08/2017 12:46

lifebook - did you read both my posts? I didn't tell OP not to go

KnucklestheEchidna · 04/08/2017 12:54

Hi Berry, very sorry you're feeling like this. I'll be flying out in a couple of weeks and I'm also terrified (claustrophobia, like you), not to mention the last time I flew I had terrible motion sickness which has massively increased my anxiety for this time. What (kind of) sorted it for me on the way back of my last flight was taking a dimenhydrinate motion sickness tablet. They're anti-histamines and my GP advised they don't interfere with beta blockers. After about an hour, the motion sickness doesn't bother me anymore and they make me nicely sleepy so I doze for most of the journey, but I'm not completely knocked out. You're not being pathetic, and you're not being unreasonable. You will be fine though, that's my mantra.

42isthemeaning · 04/08/2017 13:05

Hi again OP. There are some great tools and videos dealing with claustrophobia on the easyJet fearless flyer website. I would highly recommend their courses.

Please come and tell me I'm being pathetic and unreasonable

footballmum · 04/08/2017 13:43

I think there are two issues here. Your phobia/anxiety and the lack of understanding and emotional blackmail from your parents. You've had loads of fab advice about ways of dealing with the first problem. You need to ask yourself whether you want to go on holiday with your family enough to try and overcome your fears on a long term basis.

The second problem is a bit more complicated. It seems that there's some FOG in your relationship with your parents. You keep saying how great they are and that they're only doing this for your children but are they? Really? They clearly get a lot of enjoyment out of the holidays but it all seems like it's very much on their terms. They could still have lovely holidays with you that don't involve 3 hour flights but they've one to the extent of coercing your kids into choosing their preferred destination, despite your obvious distress. You've been tolerating this for 12 years running (I think you said upthread). I really hope, for your sake, that your get your anxiety under control so that you can have the life that you want. But I would recommend that, as part of your journey, you look at the dynamics in your relationship with your parents.

Flip

1 2 3 4