Please come and tell me I'm being pathetic and unreasonable

[Berrybrambles]

Firstly my parents do a massive amount for us and are hugely helpful. Every year we go away as a family and we only need spending money as they know we wouldn't be able to go away otherwise.

Anyway I suffer from horrendous anxiety and panic attacks. We used to go abroad but I couldn't cope with flying so we went ferry/coach/train reachable places. Even on the train and car I have panic attacks.

The last couple of years I was persuaded to do a short flight. I did and put up with it but it ruined my holiday as I knew I had to fly back and I also get ridiculously stressed and panicky at the whole airport process too.

Last time we flew I had a huge panic attack and was very distressed and said to my parents I couldn't do it again until my anxiety was under control. They agreed we would go by coach. We looked at loads of coach and ferry trips.

Anyway weeks later and my parents mentioned wanting to go to x place while they had the money to do so. (Three hour flight) I was wary and mentioned about them going alone but then they kept repeatedly saying to the children x place or y amazing place in the sun. Initially the children said x place but then realising it might be the last chance my parents get to go to Y place and because my parents kept asking they changed their minds.

As a result we have a holiday booked for y place with a three hour flight.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm utterly terrified, it is ruining the kids summer holidays as I'm aware I'm more snappy,i can't sleep properly.
I absolutely don't want to go but feel utterly forced into it. I know my parents won't take the kids alone.

I just want to run away.

I feel awful. I know they were trying to do a nice thing and it's cost thousands but I'm gutted. I am going to the GP again but feel like I'm going to go on stronger Meds for the sake of a week in the sun.

Please tell me I'm being an ungrateful idiot.

Those lucky bastards you see, dozing on planes?

They've taken something.

Your anxiety sounds horrific and seems to be getting worse and your travel options seem to be dwindling to the point where you can only go by coach as ferries and cars also give you panic attacks.
The unfortunate thing is that this means your children's and parent's travel options are having to shrink to match your limitations. Your parents don't sound horrid at all, they clearly want you and your children to have memories of special holidays but it sounds like they really don't have a clue as to how crippling your fear is.
I don't think you have a lot of options for the immediate holiday - either don't go or see if you can get some sort of medication to get through the journey. But you do need to get some help before you make any more plans - just to see if you think there is anyway of getting to point of being able to cope.

Thanks will have a look at that link.
I know the stats and safety, I've had books and tapes and I think it's not so much the flying but being stuck on an enclosed space trapped for hours.

I know it's my problem. I've tried to get help before but it hasn't worked. I'm an utter mess at the moment and in full panic mode. That's my problem but at the same time there are loads of beautiful warm places reachable without a plane and I can't help feeling a bit gutted.

My kids are afraid of spiders and my Mum doesn't like flapping birds. I'd never dream of making any of them stand in a small room with those things for three hours knowing they were terrified :(

Why on earth did your parents book a holiday with a 3 hour flight knowing that you can't cope with it? Are they generally dismissive about your health issues?

This won't be a popular view on mn, but I would tell them that you are not well enough to go and they either go alone or go with your children but you won't be joining them. Trying to force you to fly when you are ill is a cruel thing to do.

No they aren't horrid at all. They do loads for us and are amazing in a lot of ways. They are trying to give the kids nice holidays they know we can't afford.

I intended to get proper help this time but was given a couple of weeks between a holiday actually being mentioned and it being booked.

Morris someone next to me got on, had a brandy and went to sleep within minutes last time. I was gutted!

For the record I'm fine on ferries. I can get off. Buses and coaches are the same.

We had a bad accident in the car hence I'm not good in the car. Trains and planes are because I'm closed I'n.

See pathetic!

Sorry x post Kitty. I think they just presume I will be fine. That I've done it begot and will again. It ruins my entire holiday. By mid week I'm panicking about coming back.

*before

I'm similar, though I love flying and know it's actually safe, but get anxious about terrorism.

Hadn't flown for years until recently. What got me through this time was my iPad. I downloaded some films and concentrated entirely on what I was watching. Had my earplugs in and blocked out everything else.

Oh, and btw you are not at all pathetic and unreasonable. Your parents, on the other hand...

OfaFrenchmind2 Fri 04-Aug-17 10:03:33
Sorry OP, I have no advice. But everything I see CBT, I read Cock and Balls Torture

That says WAY more about you than it does us your's is a WHOLE other Topic entirely :D

OP, it will be OK. Go to the Doc and see what they can do to help, and yes to getting this well and truly fixed.

Do try the Rescue remedy too, it really does help and you don't get the medication hangover you do with tranquillisers

A course is definitely worth doing. It'll be liberating. Just knowing how the aircraft works and what all the odd noise are will help you hugely.

It's not going to help I'm sure but when I get a bit nervous (nowhere as bad as you) about flying, I put my fears into perspective by comparing another activity I have no problems with - motorcycling. I've had a few minor mishaps biking, some could have ended badly. In contrast, I live under Heathrow's flight path. The plane's are incessant, coming a few minutes apart. Let's say that equates to at least 300 a day, just for this airport. Serious accidents happen VERY rarely compared to any other form of transport. Your bus or walk to work is way more dangerous in reality.

I am terrified of flying too. I know only too well the internal fear and sickness that comes just thinking about the flight before you go and then towards the end of the holiday.

I have done CBT for another anxiety disorder and I do use techniques to help me cope now with flying. I still get hugely anxious but it helps (a bit). You won't get CBT in time so you need to investigate some of the techniques. Like distraction really. This is going to make me sound a bit weird but I start listing everything I can see whilst I'm sat on the plane under my breath. Just stupid stuff like blue headrests with white detailing, lady getting on with black bag etc. Helps take my mind off it and wards of a panic attack.

Once everyone is seated it becomes a bit harder so I have found that music, really loud on headphones helps and I count. I wait until the plane starts to take off for this part or it makes it worse. By the time I've got to 100, the worst is over for me. I spend the rest of the flight being distracted by caring for small children. Before children I had to read a book that needed concentration.

I also have rituals that absolutely have to be followed which are silly but help me control the situation.

Do tell the airline staff as you get on, I've always found that they've been hugely helpful.

Also Valium. Valium more than anything else. I went from refusing to even look at planes out of the window at the airport to 'oooo, look! A blue plane!' I have only used it for a business trip but it was so good. Although agree it does give a headache.

The flow chart from a PP was good. When you start to think about it, change the image to a sun bed and pool. Find an image of where you are going and focus on that instead maybe?

If it's being trapped, what about asking to be seated behind the exit? With children you can't sit on the exit row anymore which is totally understandable but I try and get as close as possible and always count my exits! That way, you aren't trapped in an emergency.

Berry, I have similar issues. I'm not scared of flying it's just that Planes and trains etc are controlled by other people, I can't just get off them like I could pull over my car.

I now take valium, ibuprofen and my travel sickness tablets. Have a sandwich of some sort and wash it all down with a large drink. I can still function I'm just a little sleepy and totally chilled.

May not work for you but worth a try.

For the record I'm fine on ferries. I can get off

You can no more get off a ferry mid sail than you can get off a flight mid-air!

If you asbolutely didn't want to go you should have been clearer to your parents, instead you let them book an expensive holiday for you.
Just take the drugs.

Avoidance is not a great way of tackling anxiety so I wouldn't consider "don't go then" a great suggestion. Exposure to your fear is the only way to overcome it, as painful as that may be. I would suggest professional fear of flying courses such as those provided by airlines and pilots themselves.

OP, I wonder if the therapy hasn't worked because it's targeted the wrong thing.

You've said here a few times that it's the confinement that's the issue with Planes and Trains. Are you generally claustrophobic?

If you're tackling a 'fear of flying' with your GP, therapist and self-help techniques, and the actual issue is a fear of confinement, then the help won't help.

Could you come at it from that direction, maybe? For example, on a train, you could get off, if you had to. There is always an emergency brake to pull and a shatterable window. If it came to it, if there was an emergency, you could, always. get out. You wouldn't choose to do that in ordinary travel, because there won't be a need, but you could.

OP I was terrified of flying, to the extent that I wouldn't go on a plane for several years. I was so scared that I refused to do one of those courses that ends with going on a plane because I would have to go on a plane! In the end, I figured that at least if I went on a plane for a holiday i'd get something nice at the end. I hated it and panicked and had the same thing about ruining part of the holiday because I was scared about coming back. My husband really wanted to go to places only accessible by air so I kept trying, interspersed with ferry/train holidays. Over many years I have slowly got better and have been able to fly to the US, China and Brazil. I had amazing experiences in those places. Pushing me to fly is probably one of the best things my husband has ever done for me. I am also much better when the kids are with me because I really don't want to pass my fear on to them, which seems to help me tamp it down a bit.

I'm not saying this will work for you, but it does sound as though your travel options are really very limited if you are not happy using trains, planes or cars. That's more of a long term thing and it sounds as though something like EMDR might help you. But maybe try other posters' suggestion of anti anxiety drugs to get you through this time? The number of places you can get to just by coach and ferry is really limited and it sounds as though your kids really want to go.

Have you tried hypnotherapy? It can be very, very effective in situations like yours. It can teach you to focus on calming your breathing (which results in lowering heart-rate and blood pressure and thereby reducing anxiety and breaking that vicious circle) and also help you to put your fears into perspective.

Please try to go on this holiday if you possibly can - overcoming your phobia even once will be massively liberating for you.

Yes huge issues with claustrophobia. I can't use lifts. Will happily do multiple flights of stairs breathlessly instead.

'You can no more get off a ferry mid sail than you can get off a flight mid-air!'

No obviously not but in my mind I'm not closed in and could. I know that's irrational!

In fairness it was pretty clear how bad I was last time and how bad I have been before. I insisted we didn't fly till I could get more help. But when the kids are being sold a week with a pool in the sun over a wet weekend in a UK caravan again of course they will pick that and by then I didn't feel I was left with a choice other than let everyone down.

I've downloaded a hypnotherapy video. It was helping last time until we had an issue with the plane.

What's EMDR please?

I hear you Sweet. You have two options, seek help from your GP, or cancel, either one is fine.
If you seek help, make sure it's because you truly, are up for a three hour flight. For what it's worth, I think you can do it.
If you feel you can't, or it's not the right time, tell your parents, that you won't be going.
Whilst it is incredibly generous of them, they should have had an in depth discussion with you first. They can always go alone, it's not a big deal.

Berry, have you told your parents how you feel? I can't imagine forcing one of my adult DCs onto a plane if they were worrying and getting upset about it for weeks beforehand.

I have a chronic health condition which means I can't fly and I'm amazed at how many people consider that to be a terrible thing. I have had lots of nice trips without flying for many years.

Numerous times kitty.
They saw how bad I was last time.
I've told them that it ruins my holiday, that it makes me ill up to going, that I start panicking mid week about coming back.
I got off the plane last time back in UK in a massive state. I told them then I couldn't do it again.

They know how worked up I am now. My Mum has said she's not going abroad again now because it's not worth the hassle and I feel awful because I've ruined their holiday build up too.

What therapy have you had for your attacks?

I hate flying. I've managed an 8 hour flight last year. How? Diazepam. Go speak to your GP and tell them your situation and more often than not, that's what they'll prescribe you.