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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD contacted Childline

72 replies

ReallyShitUsername · 03/08/2017 11:29

Apologies, this is a new account as I forgot the email address and password for my old one.

DH and I are having a disagreement. On our landline phone, it's showing in the history that a call to Childline was made about 2 weeks ago, after we'd gone to bed. It certainly wasn't us, so it must have been DD (15)
DH wants to go and talk to DD and ask why she phoned, and demand that she talk to him. Personally, I think that if DD wanted to talk to us she would have, and it's great that she had the initiative to ask for help even though not from us.

Who's BU? Do you think we need to talk to DD?

OP posts:

CremeFresh · 03/08/2017 11:58

Please don't confront her , I used to volunteer for Childline and the calls were massively varied, from kids asking about a tricky bit of homework to the worse abuse cases. If your DD wanted to talk to you then she would have done so, she obviously doesn't want to so don't make her. It might even not be about her , she could be phoning for a friend.

blankface · 03/08/2017 11:59

Don't let on you know she's called Childline and make sure your DH doesn't "demand" that she tells him what it was about.
she was obviously very concerned about something she feels she couldn't discuss with either/both of you at the time.

If she knows that you know she's called Childline, you may be cutting off her only source of resolution to her problem. Please don't do that, or act in any way other than normally do towards her. No probing questions, no knowing looks and asking if everything's all right.

Make it very clear to your DH that he keeps his trap shut and his beak out of her private business.

swingofthings · 03/08/2017 11:59

How's her relationship with your OH, assume her dad?

This is odd behaviour to check on you (which is what it sounds he was originally doing) and by doing so ended up spying on her.

Is this how it went? You said you'd call x. He didn't believe you so decided to check the recorded calls made . Why you or behind your back? He found the number he was looking for, but then decided to check the details of a number that meant nothing to him?

If that's the case, and on account of how he seems to be reacting to your DD calling CL, it sounds like there are issues with his behaviour and that could very well be what she needed to talk about in the first place.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/08/2017 12:02

Referring back to a call history is normal.

Checking one is not. If I was scrolling through my landline history and spotted a number I didn't recognise I would assume dh or someone else in the household had called it. I wouldn't look it up to check. That does suggest an unusual level of control.

As does checking the call history instead of asking the op if she has made the call.

That coupled with the demand of an explanation is concerning.

MissBabbs · 03/08/2017 12:04

Def don't confront her imv

corythatwas · 03/08/2017 12:08

I would be very, very worried if I had inadvertently given either dc the impression that they could not go and seek help for their problems without my demanding to know what it was about. She might have phoned about a problem she isn't ready to talk to you about, she might have phoned to ask advice about a friend, she might have phoned because she feels controlled, or simply to sort things out in her head before she decides if it's something she needs to talk to you about. Childline is a safe space. That's why it works.

Sparklepants · 03/08/2017 12:21

I'd ask her, I would say I've noticed you've called childline and if there's anything you need to ask or tell me I'm hear to listen. Don't push it or question her just let her know you are there for her.

I think you need to tell your DH not to ask her as he sounds a bit pushy. I understand why he wants to know but he needs to be calm about it.

I don't think checking the call log is strange. I do it and I'm the main user if our landline .

lunar1 · 03/08/2017 12:31

It would be your DH I'd be watching closely if I were you. What kind of person would make demands over something like this?

JenTheSprtacusPuppy · 03/08/2017 12:31

Looking at the call history on its own isn't spying or suspicious. There's plenty of reasons to look at call history on a phone in your own home that don't involve spying. Looking for a number that you want to ring back for eg. A phone bill being higher than usual.

He's also being criticised for looking up the number instead of asking. If he asked his family if anyone knew what the number was then his dd will be put on the spot and if he is the reasons she's seeking support, she could feel unable to in future if he knows.

If he was checking call history just to see who his wife and child are phoning when he's not there. Yes it's spying and controlling. If he came across it when checking for something else. Quite normal in my opinion. Teamed demanding to know why gives off a vibe that he feels he is the man of the house and therefore should know everything, he doesn't have a right to know what his daughter is thinking, he isn't entitled to know what she needs to speak about, if she wants him to know she will tell him.. Is he worried that it's him she's talking about and wants to demand to know what she's said?

Good On your dd for recognising she needs help and seeking it out.

pilates · 03/08/2017 12:43

Op, why did your DH not just ask you if you had made the call, surely you would have remembered?

IdoHaveAName · 03/08/2017 12:44

Do you suspect she was calling in relation to something in the family?

Auldspinster · 03/08/2017 12:46

I was just about to say that childline doesn't show up on itemised bills.

IdoHaveAName · 03/08/2017 12:46

If I was checking through a log of calls looking or a specific number, it would be odd to notice a completely different number.
I don't like this to be honest. Your dh sounds odd.

leavethelighton · 03/08/2017 12:53

Don't ask her - I called Childline when I was that age when I just wanted to talk to someone who didn't know me or anything about my life. Nothing horrific was going on, I was trying to sort out a worry privately without someone who'd naturally be invested in the situation as a family member, friend or teacher. By all means ask her if there's anything bothering her, but asking her about that call would be a massive invasion of privacy.

Gooseberrycrumble4 · 03/08/2017 12:58

How awful he would be to actually confront her about this. He could just talk to her and support her without using such an awful tactic

Ohyesiam · 03/08/2017 13:11

Phrase don't let you dh ask her about this. Safe space is what it's all about.
He could have a heart to heart in a general way, if he has that type of relationship with her.
I worked for child line, and lots of kids phone about friends, or to clarify information, as well as when they are in a crisis.

ElBandito · 03/08/2017 13:38

I would find out how to remove calls from the history and casually explain to her how to do it one day!
I think your husband is wrong but some of the ideas other posters have come up with to encourage her to open up are worth trying. You can't 'demand' that she talks to you, it would probably have exactly the opposite effect. I can understand why you would both be worried though.

Fairenuff · 03/08/2017 13:43

I would talk to her and tell her that she absolutely did the right thing to phone Childline and that I was there to help and support her in anything, even if she thinks I wouldn't, a guarantee I would.

Then she might open up to you.

But of course you would have to stand by your promise to support her even if it means serious consequences for the whole family.

AboutAGallonofDietCoke · 03/08/2017 13:49

Got to say I really dislike the way dad is being portrayed as a monster on here, on little or no grounds.
I was very close to my sadly now deceased parents and I can picture them having exactly this kind of conversation. My Dad loved me to bits and would have been worried sick that I was being abused by somebody and he was unaware. It doesn't make a dad a monster for having an active imagination. I can remember my dad ringing me up after he had a nightmare involving me, just to check I was ok. He was just a worrier with an active imagination.
Oh and a call history check could of occurred for a million reasons!
But FWIW OPs approach is best
, as I agree DD may just be having a difficult time and needs an adult to speak to impartially, maybe she's worried mum and dad are going to get divorced? Who knows?
I get a bit pissed off with the way dads are portrayed on here sometimes.

AboutAGallonofDietCoke · 03/08/2017 13:51

urgh, mistakes everywhere, wish there was an edit post button on here

whenwillthesleepcomeback · 03/08/2017 13:54

Is there any chance it was a friend of hers that was staying over? Or she might not be worried about herself but about a friend.

specialsubject · 03/08/2017 13:57

I check call history, I've been wrongly charged in the past.

Financial control issues - partly the reason I don't have to swelter in an office. Normal people check things!

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