To want my DH to stop slightly shaming me over the issues my MH problems cause me?

[SidseBabettKnudsen]

A little background - we have two DC with complex SN, both of whom have required a lengthy and stressful battle to acquire support and special school places, the majority of which was down to me and have left me exhausted and very very angry at the injustices in the system.

I have been battling with PND for a couple of years on top of this too, which has laid me mentally rather low, and I have come to suspect that I have actually had an undiagnosed ASD all my life, so have had on-off MH issues as a result of struggling with this throughout my life.

I am a SAHM, and as such the vast majority of household stuff falls to me, all the bills, finances, life admin, washing, school admin, the myriad of appointments for our SN kids etc. Our house is far too small for our family though and is tough to keep tidy. Both DH and I aren't particularly tidy people anyway so generally it doesn't bother me, though I do feel as though I am fighting a losing battle as he literally drops his clothes where he takes them off, or doesn't put his washing in the correct laundry basket, meaning it all has to be sorted out again.

Generally speaking he mucks in okay at weekends and will do occasional "big" cleans of stuff, like the fridge or oven, but he has very little in the way of defined jobs that he has to do in the house.

Something I have been really struggling with recently is going out and doing stuff in the car by myself - it's incredibly stressful with the kids on holiday anyway to make sure everyone is safe to drive with and I just can't bloody cope with it all alone sometimes. The thought of it all makes me really anxious.

So I will ask my DH to help me by getting petrol for me for example, or to move the car somewhere it is easier for me to get out quickly. Or, sometimes, when appointments come through, asking him to take the day off to help me.

Sometimes he is fine with this, but sometimes, he will act all surprised and say things like "You've got a car, haven't you? Why can't you drive?" and literally make me explain the way I feel to him, even though he knows all about it. He makes me feel incompetent and useless for not being able to do a couple of things that really, are just the tip of the iceberg in terms of things that need doing.

I get that it is frustrating living with someone with MH difficulties. I get that he feels as though he is surrounded by everyone he can't help. I get that he feels like he is financially supporting everyone and that must be stressful, though he manages none of the bills or bank accounts.

I am undergoing counselling and CBT to try to help with these problems I have too, so it's not like I am wallowing in it. I was on ADs when I met him and he doesn't want me to take them again as he said they squashed my personality.

AIBU to just want him to do these things to help me without questioning me and trying to pick an argument with me about why I can't quite cope right now?

He wants you to not take medication that might help you?

He sounds shit.
He's not pulling his weight.
He criticises you instead of appreciating everything you do.
And saying he doesn't want you to go on antidepressants - how fucking dare here. Maybe he doesn't want you to feel better?!

No, but tbh, I'm not keen either. They didn't really help before and made me sleepy and disinterested and I felt rotten for ages when i came off them. I agree that they squashed my personality too. I would rather try other channels first this time.

Have you talked to your therapist about other proven ways to beat PND? It's probably the last thing you want to hear, but going out being social and exercise does work. You also must take your meds - if they affect your personality too much then you can try alternatives.

I found out recently I have ASD.

My DH and I have had these conversations too. Apparently it's hard for the "normal" people to understand that some days we can't manage things we can manage perfectly well on other days. I also thought my husband was making me feel incompetent but when we eventually got to the bottom of it, it was actually that he views me as a very competent person, and the occasions where I couldn't manage to cope with something basic confused him. He really didn't get why I can manage something one day and not another. Still doesn't get it I don't think, but he tries to be nicer about it.

I had severe depression and beat it with exercise and diet. But you have to want to make it work.

" I am fighting a losing battle as he literally drops his clothes where he takes them off, or doesn't put his washing in the correct laundry basket, meaning it all has to be sorted out again"

"sometimes, he will act all surprised and say things like "You've got a car, haven't you? Why can't you drive?" and literally make me explain the way I feel to him, even though he knows all about it. He makes me feel incompetent and useless"

"I was on ADs when I met him and he doesn't want me to take them again as he said they squashed my personality."

Read that again. Do you understand how selfish he is? He doesn't care about what's best for you. It's all about him.

I'd advise consider trying a different anti depressant, some make you flat, some don't. Most people get given the same one to start and never try a different one if it doesn't work. They do have different types and some suit different people better.

On a practical note maybe it would help for you write a detailed list of everything that has to be done each day/week. Talk through it with him and divide the tasks fairly, you should both be spending equal time doing them during evenings and weekends for example.

Leaving his clothes everywhere and not bothering to put them in the laundry basket is lazy and unacceptable. Maybe he could do the laundry for a week and he'll realise what a PITA it is to gather up clothes from all over the place?

@Notevilstepmother

Thank you for sharing your experience. I think you may be onto something there, I do have trouble perceiving others' intentions and get things wrong a fair few times! He does view driving as very basic since he's been doing it since he was a teenager, though I passed my test much more recently and really struggle with a lot of it. It feels like a massive deal to me just doing a school run, whereas he wouldn't think anything of driving to the other end of the country.

If my DH tried to take my ADs off me 'because they squashed my personality' I'd squash him. he'd never survive that! he wouldn't though because he wants me well and able to function and enjoy life.
Seriously though OP, you're doing a shit ton around the house, have kiddies with additional needs, have a MH condition, and have a useless lump who's belittling you. No wonder you feel shit
If you had a broken leg and needed adjustments round the house would be make you explain that? No. Because you can see physical problems. MH issues are just as valid and just as debilitating.
If you need the ADs then take them - he doesn't get to dictate what medication you take.
Be kind to yourself OP. You sound knackered

It sounds likes you have a lot on your plate and a stressful life. This will inevitably have an impact on how you feel day to day.

I have a DD with ASD and have just been through the battle for a special school place myself and I completely understand your anger at the system. Going through the process is the closest I have come to mental health problems. I ended up at the Dr and was given a prescription for anti depressants. They weren't for me and I stopped after a few days and what I realised was that actually I don't have mental ill health what I have is a huge amount of stress and my brain reached the point that it couldn't cope any more.

I am sorry your husband is not more supportive to you. All the things you describe seem to me reasonable things so you can cope with the stressful life you have. Not because you can't cope per se.

You also mention that you feel you may have ASD yourself. Is this something you feel able to persue a diagnosis for? I am sure you are more aware than most of the anxiety and stress that can be caused by have an ASD and not having support for that.

To me it sounds like you are doing a great job in tough circumstances.

And yes - talk to your GP about alternatives - I've been on a few and have found the one that suits me best.
While I accept some people will treat their depression without pills, I needed mine to keep me alive long enough to work through it. It's not about wanting to get better.
Exercise is really helpful, and I use it as a maintenance tool, but if you need some help to get to that point then do what you need to do

This sounds like my situation. I've just had an ASC diagnosis and have had MH problems my whole life. DH can't do the simplest things to make our lives easier - leaving dirty pants everywhere, dropping rubbish when I've just cleaned up etc but when I beg him to be more considerate he tells me he 'does everything and gets no thanks' because he does DIY stuff and has thus perception that he does more with DS. He forgets that I did virtually all the childcare for the first 3 years with PND, ASC and working full time and he was away most weekends working. Even though I've told him endlessly that if I ask him a question it's because I want to know an answer, he interprets everything as if I was NT - so if I say 'what are you doing?' He hears 'you're doing that wrong' and kicks off. Lately he tells me I'm annoying and he hates me and wishes I would leave it's miserable, so I feel for you OP

Ghengie - "I had severe depression and beat it with exercise and diet. But you have to want to make it work"

Seriously? One of the key symptoms or depression is being unable to "make it work".

I'm not denying that exercising and eating healthy is important but I think it can be very damaging to imply that is all one needs to do.

"I had severe depression and beat it with exercise and diet. But you have to want to make it work."

ODFOD.

I have severe depression. Sometimes I can't make it work. I don't want to do exercise and eat healthy food. I want to kill myself. ADs help me to not feel this way.

If you can do exercise and eat healthy you don't have sever depression

He doesn't have a say on what "squashes your personality" or not. How dare he?

That's for you to weigh pros and cons and decide - and no one else. It's your body (which includes your brain), your rules.

Exactly MineCraft and StoemTreader - it is such a dangerous suggestion that all people need to do is eat healthy and exercise.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if it was so easy!

Ghengie - ridiculous comment there. Way to blow your own trumpet

@Albadross that sounds so sad, I'm so sorry. I don't want it to get to that point for me and DH. I think he too feels as though he supports us all because he has to deal with us being non-NT and he finds it difficult to deal with and finds us a bit unfathomable. My counsellor advised me to write my own EHCP to help me source support and him moving the car and taking bins out for me seemed like a really small ask.

My eldest freaks out if I leave the house for any reason so taking the bins out can be difficult for me, so I will often ask DH to do it on his way out or on his way to work. Also, it's heavy and awkward and just physically easier for him to do than it is for me. Mostly it's fine, but occasionally he will do this here too, ask me why I can't do it and make me explain and then end up by saying "I think you just don't want to." Even when he does it, it's still my job to put a new bin bag in, and to keep on top of buying bin bags, and to make sure they are the right sort.

About the ADs, I think I have written this slightly wrong as he didn't take them away from me at all. I was taking them when we first met as I was in a difficult job I couldn't cope with and it had made my panic attacks rise to impossible levels. I left the job and wanted to come off them as I wasn't happy with the way they made me feel and he later agreed that I had made the right decision to quit. I have been offered them again by a doctor but wanted to try other things first and DH was dead against it.

@iloveruby - well I was diagnosed with severe depression, was suicidal, the ADs didn't work for me (tried all of them which is why I asked OP to try more than one) and in the end tried an alternative therapy suggested by my therapist. My depression lifted after a year and I still do this. Yes I'm more determined than others (have a type A personality) & the therapist was a private one but if I did it this way, it would be irresponsible not to share that info.

@Genghi - were there any particular foods which helped you? Am asking as I know my mood lifts when I do aerobic exercise and eat better - cut out processed food & eat more fresh stuff. (Disclaimer: I don't have severe depression or depression at all I don't think - just feel low sometimes). I was just wondering if there were any foods which helped you in particular or if it was just generally eating healthier?

"sometimes, he will act all surprised and say things like "You've got a car, haven't you? Why can't you drive?" and literally make me explain the way I feel to him, even though he knows all about it. He makes me feel incompetent and useless"

Does he actually make you explain and make you feel incompetent?

Would it work to just say "I feel a bit knackered today so could you help me?" or something like that? And to tell yourself that you have every right to want help?

The dirty clothes thing is thoughtless, though. Have you asked him to put them in the right place so it's easier for you?
If he's just not bothered about that, get him to do the laundry one week, including finding his stuff on the floor.
Or else don't wash anything that's not in the basket.

Does he accept that the eldest freaks out if you go out? And that if you are going in the car you have to sort out the DCs too, which I'm guessing he doesn't have to do?