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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think men should understand this basic survival skill?

26 replies

Bubbinsmakesthree · 03/08/2017 08:36

If your partner is up all night with your baby, the correct response when she mentions she is exhausted is not, never, under any circumstances whatsoever "me too".

AIBU to think this shouldn't be too hard for them to comprehend?

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 03/08/2017 09:11

Yes you are being unreasonable,it's not a competition.your husband is allowed to be tired as well, can't you both be sympathetic to each other

araiwa · 03/08/2017 09:17

What?

53rdWay · 03/08/2017 09:19

He's dealing with the night wakeups tonight, right?

MrsQuim · 03/08/2017 09:20

Oh gosh me and my dh had some very good 'I'm significantly tireder

Goldenphoenix · 03/08/2017 09:21

I think the OP is being tongue in cheek PP, cripes.

I totally feel you OP, your partner must have a death wishWink

ScrunchyBook · 03/08/2017 09:21

My Dsis gave me some excellent advice before we had our twins (she already had a DD) she told me - don't do competitive tiredness.
Easier said than done I know

newmumwithquestions · 03/08/2017 09:23

I'm with you OP. Sucks doesn't it.

scottishdiem · 03/08/2017 09:26

Only if said man has been at some kind of spa relaxation retreat and has absolutely no excuse for being tired.

A baby crying can wake men up as well but if there is that exclusive breast feeding thing going on then there is not much they can do. After all, men asking women if they can feed they baby either expressed milk or formula has reduced women on here to tears. Cause, you know, the bonding thing.

Not sure a race to the bottom is helpful.

Walkingtowork · 03/08/2017 09:30

What a tossarse!

BadlyParkedRangeRover · 03/08/2017 09:36

Northern absolutely not. Not when she's been up all nights and presumably her DH had been sleeping

Serialweightwatcher · 03/08/2017 09:41

I used to get the same .... bullshizzle .... on his days off at the weekend or whenever, let him get up through the night and see how 'tired' he usually is

Genghi · 03/08/2017 10:02

Ever worked a 14 hour day (and remained productive) after struggling to sleep because of a crying baby? Even if he doesn't do the night feeds etc chances are he isn't able to sleep. You should have sympathy.

Original poster
Bubbinsmakesthree · 03/08/2017 10:40

For the sake of any men reading this who may find themselves in similar circumstances, who may be feeling less than refreshed themselves but nevertheless not dealing with a baby night after night after night: here is a list of alternatives to "me too".

"Was it another bad night?"

"How many times did he have you up?"

"You're doing brilliantly"

"Can I get you a coffee?"

"Here's a coffee"

"Here's a coffee and a mountain of toast"

"It's shit, I know"

"It won't last forever"

"Can I take him for a bit whilst you get 40 winks?"

Even if you are somehow so tired you cannot summon up words, a simple sympathetic look will suffice. Just don't say "me too". Never, ever "me too".

OP posts:
Original poster
Bubbinsmakesthree · 03/08/2017 10:45

Important addendum: should you be make the mistake of uttering "me too", thus attracting a withering look from the sleep-deprived mother of your child, do not compound your error by adding "it's not a competition".

OP posts:
DadDadDad · 03/08/2017 10:52

I'm not convinced. If it's all he ever says then I appreciate that will grate.

But what better way to show sympathy than to say, "yep, me too, it's terrible isn't it, but it's not forever. If you do this feed I'll make sure you get a lie-in"

NorthumbrianGirl · 03/08/2017 10:52

We tried not to do competitive tiredness.

This was only possible by accepting that while dp was very tired, I, as the person doing all the night waking, was definitely to tireder.

ScrunchyBook · 03/08/2017 11:50

Bubbins Grin That all sounds perfectly reasonable

Original poster
Bubbinsmakesthree · 03/08/2017 12:00

If you do this feed I'll make sure you get a lie-in

If? Well with a bottle refusing EBF baby there is no 'if' about it. It's this feed, next feed, every damn feed. And as long as that is the case, tiredness is mine. I own tiredness, it practically defines me.

He can feel tired, but the sacrifice I ask is that he never ever claims to be as tired as me.

OP posts:
DadDadDad · 03/08/2017 14:58

He can feel tired, but the sacrifice I ask is that he never ever claims to be as tired as me.

Well, fair enough, but you need to say that to him - why are issuing an edict to the rest of MN?

Allfednonedead · 03/08/2017 15:01

YAtotallyNBU. A man who says 'me too' just demonstrates that he really doesn't get it. Esp if you're breastfeeding.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/08/2017 15:03

Well, fair enough, but you need to say that to him - why are issuing an edict to the rest of MN? Do you think DadDadDad that she thought that she might find some fellow feeling and sympathy on MUMSnet? Where those of us who also had EBF babies who didn't sleep might be?

OP, DD didn't sleep through for two years and I did all the night wakings. It was pure hell and no one who hasn't been through it can understand. I speak as someone who worked nights. DH now does every nightmare, wanting to go pee and a lot of the sickness in this house. We joke that he still hasn't caught up.

Notreallyarsed · 03/08/2017 15:05

My (now) XH asked the midwife for paracetamol when I was in advanced labour as he was "in so much pain". I wanted to gouge his eyes out!

JassyRadlett · 03/08/2017 15:07

Ever worked a 14 hour day (and remained productive) after struggling to sleep because of a crying baby?

Yep! Still significantly less knackering than actually being up with said baby.
So when DH was able to do night wakings when he was on leave and I was back at work and the DSes had bad nights, I didn't claim to be as tired as him and when he said he was tired I sympathised rather than making it about how I felt.

BarbarianMum · 03/08/2017 15:08

Same goes for when your partner has insomnia. On the nights when they've had no sleep, do not complain about how unrefreshing you found your own 7 hours undisturbed slumber unless you want to eat your teeth

Scrowy · 03/08/2017 15:10

I've tried to explain this to DP, but never been able to put it as eloquently as you have written it Bubbins AS I WAS TOO FUCKING TIRED. So yes it inevitably becomes competitive tiredness.

They should put your explanation in all the antenatal shit they give you before the birth alongside the pelvic floor stuff and SIDs advice.

That and a reminder that wearing the cardboard potty like a Mexican hat whilst your partner is mid push will never, ever be funny.