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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - "Spinster"

42 replies

Turvey94 · 02/08/2017 22:04

How do you feel about this term? I personally hate it! I find it so derogatory. However, it seems to be so commonplace and the go-to word for an unmarried woman?!

I've taken to commenting when people use it - even when when they don't mean any offence by it. Blush I don't say anything aggressively - I'm normally a shy person and have a soft voice !!

It's just that the last person I said "that's quite a mean word - she just didn't marry" to seemed quite taken aback?! Confused AIBU? Should I refrain? Grin

OP posts:
StillDrivingMeBonkers · 02/08/2017 22:08

Could be worse. Could be the American equivalent - batchelorette.

Columbine1 · 02/08/2017 22:13

I think the origin is something to do with making an independent living by spinning but I agree it is usually used with a negative connotation whereas bachelor isn't :(
But there isn't a good alternative I can think of(?) - don't like the inference of unmarried either

Icantreachthepretzels · 02/08/2017 22:16

It's an awful word - especially when you compare it to it's opposite, a foot loose and fancy free swinging 'bachelor'. It exists purely as a word to make women fear not getting married and to make us pity women who don't 'achieve' it Hmm

Isn't it interesting that the word for unmarried women makes us pity and disdain them, and the word for unmarried man makes men envy them their free living lifestyle, out from under the thumb of a nagging harpie?

Having said all that, I've never heard anyone use the word spinster in real life. If I did, i would similarly unload on them though Grin

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 02/08/2017 22:19

I don't like it as it seems to have negative connotations that bachelor doesn't but I'm not sure I've ever heard it used in real life, let alone often. Where are you hearing it used op?

CaoNiMartacus · 02/08/2017 22:21

I love it. I've reclaimed it.

TinDogTavern · 02/08/2017 22:34

I've reclaimed it too. The connotations it carries are awful and the best way to reclaim it as a non-derogatory term is to use it with pride.

Spinster and proud Grin

Original poster
Turvey94 · 02/08/2017 22:42

I mean last time I heard it it was my DM describing her DA... I seem to hear it a lot in reference to someone who has passed away tbh.

However, I still think it shouldn't be used in this way - we should still respect those we knew whom are not with us anymore.

I've also heard a lot when visiting historic houses/stately homes = describing previous occupants... It might seem trivial but I still think in this context it's derogatory. We should not interpret/read history and its characters like that. (I realise I sound like a geeky feminist!) Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Turvey94 · 02/08/2017 22:44

TinDogTavern - Sassy Spinster - I like it! Wink

OP posts:
TinDogTavern · 02/08/2017 22:50

Exactly Turvey94 - it's only "tragic" spinster because it's been made so - it doesn't have to be that way. (And I speak as someone called an "old maid". By my nan. To my face. Grin )

Botanicbaby · 02/08/2017 22:51

YANBU OP i'm not keen on it with the old-fashioned connotations that PP have outlined above.

God forbid you don't 'bag' a husband by a certain age whilst men are encouraged to hold off marrying until they are practically frog-marched down the aisle!

Similarly, I despair when seemingly sensible, independent women want/wait 'to be asked' to marry. Seems like such an anachronism.

Good on those 'husband-free' women who have reclaimed the word spinster Wink

MrsPorth · 02/08/2017 22:53

Reminds me of a female DJ, spinning records for some reason. I think it sounds cool.

SaintFrancis · 02/08/2017 22:56

I love it.

It comes from unmarried women doing spinning, weaving etc. It suggests a skill.

squoosh · 02/08/2017 22:58

It makes me picture a very particular look.

But tbh 'bachelor' makes me imagine a kind of smooth skinned Uncle Monty of Withnail and I sort.

AIBU - "Spinster"
SerfTerf · 02/08/2017 23:01

The first time I got married, I was designated a spinster on my marriage certificate. That spinster and bachelor had been replaced with "single" by the time I married for a second time (15 years later). Progress! Smile

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 02/08/2017 23:02

I prefer it to "single" in some ways. It's more of a statement and less of an implication that you're lonely or left out.

I think it has moved on from the "left behind after WW1" "Maiden Aunt" etc image. The one that boils my piss is "on the shelf". I only put things that give me pleasure, that I find attractive or that I want or need on my shelves as a rule. How is that a bad thing?

ShesAStar · 02/08/2017 23:04

I think the unpleasant connotations come from the era when women who didn't marry were seen as a burden to their families and had to take on the roll of looking after their parents as their old age took hold. These days it's not negative at all but still conjures up images like the one posted above!

ShesAStar · 02/08/2017 23:07

'Left on the shelf' is so derogatory. It's such a put down, some of us wanted to stay on the bloody shelf!

Beebee7 · 02/08/2017 23:08

Yep I am also called a spinster on my marriage certificate! And the pic above IS how you would picture one. LOL.

Prefer the 21st century saying 'singleton!' Grin

Beebee7 · 02/08/2017 23:10

'On the shelf' IS a nasty expression, and is only aimed at women (of course!) Men are gazed at in awe and with respect if they are still single at 30, but women are pitied! Sad

MargaretTwatyer · 02/08/2017 23:12

I think using it in reference to someone who's passed away is fine. It's a pretty accurate and factual description of a woman who never married and obviously they're not going to marry in the future. I agree that when applied to living people it can be very unkind as it often carries a stigma of being 'left on the shelf' and an assumption they will never marry.

But applied to the dead? Well I think that it's only really offensive if you think a life unmarried is a life wasted. And I don't think people really do any more do they? For one thing these days many spinsters die having had long term relationships, children, careers, travel. It's not like they can only assume to have stayed home in with their parents or become a governess these days is it?

Botanicbaby · 02/08/2017 23:15

There is no 'shelf'!

squoosh · 02/08/2017 23:19

I remember someone telling me in a (faux) pitying manner that 'it's tough, because by your age most of the good men are already taken'. Grin

Being the bitch that I am I smiled and said 'yes but luckily a lot of the shit ones have been taken too'. I may have then looked pointedly in her husband's direction. I can neither confirm nor deny that.

Beebee7 · 02/08/2017 23:22

@squoosh

Being the bitch that I am I smiled and said 'yes but luckily a lot of the shit ones have been taken too'. I may have then looked pointedly in her husband's direction. I can neither confirm nor deny that.

LOL! Grin That is actually fucking brilliant!

Original poster
Turvey94 · 02/08/2017 23:22

Singleton - yes I like this too. Wink

OP posts:
MargaretTwatyer · 02/08/2017 23:27

squoosh, I pictured someone almost exactly like that too!

serf, when did you get married? I got married in 2002 and was still a Spinster. Is single used for divorcees?