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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm beyond help now

44 replies

Fallingapartandbroken · 02/08/2017 21:30

I've fucked things up my entire life. I'm so tired of fighting to try and be a better person. I'm depressed and anxious and I have 2 young children who deserve a happy mummy. Thankfully my DP is supportive and a great dad so they aren't suffering as such.

A summary of how I've fucked up in life;

Worked as an escort on my twenties to pay my dads bills

Been raped multiple times

Abused alcohol badly for 10 years. Stopped when I became pregnant with my first but temptation still there.

No friends. Not a single one.

I work but no energy to do anything else. I don't clean, don't cook, don't exercise. Will do anything for the kids but nothing for me or DP.

I want to get counselling and have tried many times before but give up before it gets started as I'm just too much of a mess.

I manage to block out the past most of the time but it's always there I guess. I'm so depressed. I don't wven have the energy to go to the doctors for medication.

If it wasn't for my partner I would be so much worse. Feel like I'm heading down so fast, not even sure who I am. Such a mess.

OP posts:
PavlovianLunge · 02/08/2017 21:35

I don't have any experience of what you're going through, or have gone through, but I wanted to say that you're not beyond help - you've recognised that you need help, and have made steps towards having counselling. Now you need to commit to it and give it a try. It's not just your partner and children that deserve a happy you, you deserve a happy you.

Good luck. Flowers

Janiston · 02/08/2017 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WarwickAlice · 02/08/2017 21:39

^^ exactly what Pavlovian said. You can get through this, you are stronger than you think. Hugs xx

dinosaursandtea · 02/08/2017 21:41

I read your post and you haven't fucked a damn thing up.

You made a massive personal sacrifice and faced major social stigma to help out a family member.

Some absolute shits took advantage of you and hurt you.

Gave up a damaging coping mechanism for the sake of your children.

Aside from DP, deal with all this yourself.

You'll do anything for your kids and are clearly devoted to them.

You hold down a job - no mean feat with depression and what sounds like PTSD.

You've reached out for help.

Do you have any idea how strong and brave you are? Your kids are so lucky to have you as a mum. You deserve happiness and support for your own sake, not to make you a better parent. I'm proud of you based on one post, so I can't imagine how proud your DP must be. OP, you're amazing. You can get through this with the right support - the bitch of depression is that it makes trying to get help almost impossible, but I promise it can happen.

Original poster
Fallingapartandbroken · 02/08/2017 21:41

I want to have therapy, or medication, maybe both. Just not sure how I can open up face to face about everything that's gone on in my life. It's all so complex. It would take years and I'm worried about getting worse before I get better if I start the process. Does that happen?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fallingapartandbroken · 02/08/2017 21:43

Thank you dinosaurs. Crying, I don't recognise that in myself but thank you x

OP posts:
dinosaursandtea · 02/08/2017 21:44

Honestly, it can. Therapy can be tough when you're working through the past. But any sensible therapist will take it slow and support you at every stage. My suggestion would be looking into medication first if you think it would get you back into an even keel - once you're feeling better, then you can delve into things.

QuentinSummers · 02/08/2017 21:45

Ways you haven't fucked up your life:

Worked as an escort on my twenties to pay my dads bills did some really horrible things out of necessity to pay the bills and look after my dad

Been raped multiple times had the misfortune to come into contact with rapists on more than one occasion

Abused alcohol badly for 10 years. Stopped when I became pregnant with my first but temptation still there. put my children ahead of my addiction to alcohol

No friends. Not a single one. built a relationship with a wonderful partner

I work but no energy to do anything else. I don't clean, don't cook, don't exercise. Will do anything for the kids but nothing for me or DP. despite being depressed, still manage to work and look after my family

You've had a really hard time and must be incredibly strong to have got through it, you should be proud Flowers

ObviouslyNameChangedForThis · 02/08/2017 21:45

Everything said by dinosaursandtea

QuentinSummers · 02/08/2017 21:46

Ooh x post with dinosaurs

dinosaursandtea · 02/08/2017 21:48

And for what it's worth, my mum had some really horrible depression spells, often found herself with limited energy and was open about having been sexually assaulted. If anything, seeing how she had been through awful things and still retained this incredible love for us and my dad made me love her even more.

ObviouslyNameChangedForThis · 02/08/2017 21:48

Look into CBT to begin with. I've had psychodynamic, psychoanalysis and cognitive behavioural therapy and I've led a fairly traumatic life. I wouldn't find anything but CBT helpful tbh as it can be triggering and long to work through it that way however CBT is less "delving into the past" and more "changing core beliefs to help in the immediate future"

ObviouslyNameChangedForThis · 02/08/2017 21:50

My post saying everything said was meant as in "exactly and agreeing wholeheartedly with that" not that you'd copied! Sorry quentin

BMacklin · 02/08/2017 21:52

You could try a cbt workbook for now rather than full blown therapy? The one I'm thinking of I think is called "anxiety and depression workbook" in the "For Dummies" series. It might help you turn your negative thinking away from yourself.

Wishing you all the luck. You don't deserve to think of yourself like this.

clippityclock · 02/08/2017 21:53

Please go to the Dr. I have been like you...totally unmotivated to do anything for myself but care for DS. I got to the point where I thought I should give him up for adoption because I felt so shit about everything.

My friend basically pushed me into going to the Dr who was lovely. I have started on antidepressants and 3 weeks am beginning to have more hope. Ive bought a book on mindfulness and CBT and an 8 week workbook to do every day in the hope that I will overcome this constant depressed, unhappy feeling.

I would get yourself to the GP surgery and started on some meds and allow these to start working properly before having some therapy but try mindfulness in the meantime. You can download apps.

You can spend the rest of your life feeling shit or get some help where you might feel worse for a bit but then your life and those of your family will get better.....because they will see you happier.

You can do it, you really can. Look how much you've already achieved and it shows you are clearly a strong person.

dinosaursandtea · 02/08/2017 21:53

Just goes to show how impressed we all are - OP, even if you can't see it right now we can.

LoyaltyAndLobster · 02/08/2017 21:54
Flowers
Original poster
Fallingapartandbroken · 02/08/2017 21:54

Thanks for the kind words. I will try to take this to heart. I get so many days where I just feel like I've run out of strength and fighting spirit. There's only so much I can do. I must be strong to have carried on, I yearn to be able to escape by sinking a few bottles of wine but I can't do it. I can't stop working, (only earner, DP works in my business but I run and started it) I'm trapped and have to carry on. But I can't do it any more. I'm so close to breaking. Just need to find that strength to get help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fallingapartandbroken · 02/08/2017 21:55

Thank you again, reading these posts mean so much.

OP posts:
Chillyegg · 02/08/2017 22:01

Your so strong and anything but a fuck up.
Please be kind to yourself.
I have no practical advice but didn't want to read and run.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/08/2017 22:02

You have had such a lot of shit to deal with, it's no wonder you're creaking under the strain. Please be kinder to yourself. Definitely get some help.

Original poster
Fallingapartandbroken · 02/08/2017 22:02

Oh god I always say the wrong thing. I'm so socially impaired I even hate answering the door to my neighbour if she's taken in a parcel for me or vice versa.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/08/2017 22:04

You're probably overthinking this stuff though. Whatever you say to the neighbour probably goes over their head and they never think of it again. It's only you that's dwelling on it. Not to minimise how you feel, but I doubt very much that you're as awkward as you think.

QuentinSummers · 02/08/2017 22:07

I also doubt you are socially awkward. What does your DP say?

orangewasp · 02/08/2017 22:12

You have overcome a lot of shit that other people wouldn't and despite that:

  • are a good mum
  • have a successful relationship
  • have set up a business
  • are managing to avoid alcohol despite being tempted

Do seek counselling to help but also give yourself a big pat on the back for what you have done.