To think I'm beyond help now

[Fallingapartandbroken]

I've fucked things up my entire life. I'm so tired of fighting to try and be a better person. I'm depressed and anxious and I have 2 young children who deserve a happy mummy. Thankfully my DP is supportive and a great dad so they aren't suffering as such.

A summary of how I've fucked up in life;

Worked as an escort on my twenties to pay my dads bills

Been raped multiple times

Abused alcohol badly for 10 years. Stopped when I became pregnant with my first but temptation still there.

No friends. Not a single one.

I work but no energy to do anything else. I don't clean, don't cook, don't exercise. Will do anything for the kids but nothing for me or DP.

I want to get counselling and have tried many times before but give up before it gets started as I'm just too much of a mess.

I manage to block out the past most of the time but it's always there I guess. I'm so depressed. I don't wven have the energy to go to the doctors for medication.

If it wasn't for my partner I would be so much worse. Feel like I'm heading down so fast, not even sure who I am. Such a mess.

That's the thing though orange, I think I'm a shit mum, a shit partner and a shit business woman. Feel guilty constantly that I'm not doing better. Feel bad for not being attractive enough, happy enough, successful enough, being depressed, tired, negative.

OP you sound amazing I'm in awe of what you've overcome and survived

Traditional councelling isn't for everyone, there are other forms of therapy that might suit you better

As other people have already said, you haven't fucked up, you have fought and continue to fight some really bad things that happened to you and some bad situations you were in.

Keep your head up and keep fighting.

Fuck answering the door, just ignore it if you feel that way.

Get CBT. You can do it online if you don't want to speak to a real person, will post links in another post.

If you can face a real person, Google IAPT for CBT on the NHS, you can self refer or ask your GP to do it.

If you can get to the GP you might find anti depressants work. Ignore people who say stupid stuff about them, they are lifesavers, quite literally.

While you are on Google, find the out of hours mental health crisis team number for your area. You may never need it, but if things get worse in the middle of the night you can call them and they will listen.

Counselling is very very hard and it doesn't matter if you've given up before, keep trying and eventually when you are ready it will help you. If it worked easy the first time given what you've been through it would be surprising.

Try to do little nice things for yourself, just little things like nice hand cream, doesn't need to be anything massive, but self care is good.

I found the Black Dog book comforting.

Take care and you will get better.

moodgym.com.au/

www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/depression.asp

www.cpft.nhs.uk/Downloads/DVD-Documents/Leaflets/Coping%20with%20Depression3%20revised%20Nov%202010.pdf

m.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc

I've just ordered 2 black dog books from amazon, will take any recommendations! Something has to click for me some time. Thanks again. I'm reading and doing a lot of thinking tonight. I want to wake up tomorrow with a bit of a plan on how I'm going to get better. I will look into CBT.

I had terrible PND after my DD, I felt like i wasn't good enough for her or my partner, i nearly walked out on them a number of times and even contemplated killing myself a few times. The hardest part is admitting there is a problem, which you have already done, i found counselling helped just to talk to a non biased professional, it is a bit weird to begin with but helps and if you need medication don't hesitate. You are not alone, i don't just mean your kids and partner and i don't mean to take away how you feel but there are others out there struggling like you are, just reach out and get the help you deserve.

AA offer support for people who don't want to drink and for whom alcohol is or HAS been a problem. The temptation still being there, your loneliness and feelings of depression would be helped massively by being around the supportive community of AA members. I know it's scary, but call them and go to a meeting. Gentle hugs to you.

Doubt very much your are a shit anything, but I think it is probably likely that your confidence in yourself has been heavily affected by your experiences. As others have said you have done so well after a difficult start by your own admission you have made been through very tough times to help others out. Please go to your GP to seek help for your anxiety and get some counselling. I know it is difficult with young kids but if you are constantly tired you are more vulnerable to negative feelings is there any chance your Dad or other family could help you out a bit? There are a lot of us here who have felt like you do now but have had help and feel better and more able to manage these feelings if they reoccur so don't think you are alone. Orange is right and her list shows you are successful. You deserve to have good feelings about yourself and to enjoy your success and your lovely young family. Hope you feel better soon.

Just another hand hold here OP - everything Dinosaurs said is right, plus the fact you've managed to start and maintain a business whilst having young children! I know myself how fucking hideous that is.
This is but a dip, the books are a start. You should also start a list of what you have achieved and are proud of, from your posts I could write you one of about 20 already you just need to find the clarity to do it yourself.
The friends thing is hard when you're both introverted and see yourself as having a 'history' but nowhere near impossible- look how articulate you've been with us lot!
I wish you well for the start of this new journey

You're not shit at anything - you're human and have been through so much and responded in a totally human way. You have some great advice here and I would just add - you sound very tired. Is there anyway you could have 2 or 3 days proper rest (call in sick?) and just sleep and recouperate. Everything feels better when you have rested and it sounds like you need it. If you can go away, rest up in your bedroom and read, watch movies and eat healthy food. X

Yeah, you're no fuck up OP. Look at why you were an escort, for example. It was because you were helping your dad.

Don't be so damned tough on yourself. Change your way of thinking. See all the good you do.

If any of us were to dissect our lives we would find things we felt we'd fucked up on. It's an unfortunate side effect of life. Keep moving forward.

I am always posting this link but do think it can help to calm you mind and help you relax and get better rest:-
m.youtube.com/watch?v=6W31vHDjyng&spfreload=10
To get to where you are now you have had to be very resilient posting and taking action shows the resilience is still there.

fallingapart that feeling of being shot at everything is really common and a learnt behaviour or "schema" from childhood. It's not real, it's your inner 3 year old trying to explain why you've had a hard time with a 3 year olds logic.
This book explains it and might be useful too
www.amazon.co.uk/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Behaviour/dp/0452272041?tag=mumsnetforum-21

I know I sound woo/psycho babble but you need to try to see those thoughts as a child and act towards yourself how you would if one of your DC was telling you this stuff.

Just because your inner voice is telling you stuff doesn't mean it's true. Sometimes your inner voice is not your friend.

Op. Astonished at your resilience, dedication to your family and achievements. I'm sorry at the shit you've encountered and the sacrifices you've had to make. At each turn you've seemed to create a positive out of some difficult experiences. This makes me think you can get on the path to self acceptance if you are given the right guidance. Not much more to add from what dinosaur said. Write down some of what people think here. I recommend cbt too. Good luck op- I don't think there's anyone who doesn't have regrets about things they've done in a different time and place. We make the best decisions we can at the time.

I think you need to just forgive yourself if I'm honest.

You worked as an escort- that's not the worst thing to do in the world. You could have sold drugs or guns or killed people for the money but you didn't. Your dad never should have made his debts your problems.

Your rapists are arseholes. Not you them. You didn't deserve what happened.

Look around you at all the parents who don't manage to give up booze for their kids even if it damages their children physically, emotionally and financially. Makes you a fecking awesome mum if you ask me.

You've built your own business. So many people try and fail but you didn't. In fact you even generated enough business to support your whole family. That's pretty much unheard of.

Your life isn't too much of a mess and you need to forgive yourself. Your worth therapy so try it. X

I can relate to a lot of what you have said believe it or not.

I was an escort up until very recently, when a neighbour has taken it upon themselves to tell my entire street, family, social services, police, tax man etc etc (I am doing nothing illegal and am registered self employed yada yada) and the fall out has been awful.

I was raped by my ex partner (sons father) multiple times.

Was addicted to alcohol and same as you gave it up when I was pregnant.

I don't have any friends whatsever.

I struggle to get anything done and have to force myself continuously.

My partner is currently in prison and has been since our daughter was 4 weeks old.

I really do get it believe me. I have suffered depression since I was 20 and have only just recently seeked help for the first time in my life. My gp has been fantastic and I have just started my first ever course of anti depressants and have a counselling session lined up. The side effects haven't been the best but anything beats feeling absolute despair of a depressive episode. I already feel a lot stronger.

Instead of focusing on all the negatives that are in the past, I am trying to make a plan to give myself and the children a bright future one small step at a time. The first step was getting some emotional support.

Please please pm me as I really do believe you need to start looking at getting some real genuine support