AIBU regarding arrangements with ex to see child

[SaltBae]

Usually I have a pretty good gauge on what's reasonable or unreasonable but as I've never been in this situation before I have really no idea.

Long story short, ex left me about 3 months ago as he didn't feel "himself" and he was depressed and had a lot of mental health problems. After 4 years and a kid together he no longer wants to commit to anyone or anything.

He comes to see our DD 3 nights a week, I used to go to the gym but I gave that up as can't afford it any longer. He is currently couch surfing at a (his words) "non kid friendly" friends flat.

So this means that 3 nights a week he comes round after work and just.. sits there. In my house, on my sofa, and I have to find reasons to leave the house when I could be doing housework. I'm trying to sound impartial but as anyone can probably tell I'm jaded and hurt and I hate having to see him because it just pours salt in the wound every time.

I said to him a few weeks ago that it was too hard seeing him and if he isn't able to actually take DD out of the house and away (so I can actually get a break/get stuff done) that he just can't see her. He went off on one saying I was completely unreasonable and that I was stopping him seeing his DD. I wasn't, I just didn't want him sitting in my house where she asks for me anyway so I get nothing done.

That was a long story and it was supposed to be short. I've since let him stay in the house when he is "looking after" her as he made me feel completely unreasonable. He told me today he's got a date at the weekend and it's just a reminder that I can't move on while he is here in the house for a few hours every few days.

Wise people of mumsnet, please help me sort this mess out without being an unreasonable mess of a woman...

No you have to just say No. he is keeping you and seeing other women. He is allowed to have a life and you are not. Just let him know it's out of your house or not at all. It's summer there are parks.

As mentioned, it's summer, the ex can take her out for the day and fuck off sitting like a goddamned toad on your sofa in YOUR house! If he can't be arsed to make decent living arrangements for himself whereby he can host his own child, then I would cut off any support for him acting in this entitled way. He's taking the piss, OP. Why are you letting him?

He doesn't have to do evenings, he can do weekends/day times to suit you both.

YANBU - he has wangled this arrangement to his satisfaction. Put an end to the evenings in. I wouldn't be happy with him putting one foot in and out. Do you own your house? Can you sell up and move to your own place with your half? If not I'd look to find my own place and try and draw a line under the relationship.

Thanks all.
Honestly? I don't know. I'm not a pushover, at least I like to think I'm not and I try not to be.
It's a housing association house and his name has just been removed from the tenancy. I pay for everything myself, he gives me hold support and an extra couple of hundred pounds a month to go towards debt that is in my name and not his.

Maybe I let him do this through selfishness? I know if I put an end to him being allowed to stay in the house while he looks after DD he might not bother to come through. I work full time and the whole evening routine of walking the dog, dinner, bath & bed is utterly exhausting. But would I rather be exhausted or heartbroken and feeling sick/anxious every time he is in the house? I think I'd choose being exhausted

It's a good suggestion Bossa.
Problem is there are no classes for kids her age that late at night in my town. He doesn't drive so he can't do nursery pickups either as by the time he gets here via bus it's too late.

I did/do everything. I pay the bills, I drive the car, everything falls on my shoulders to take care of. The only option I see is taking her out to parks but the opportunity for this dwindles in winter.

He decided to leave you, so he knew he was going to change his relationship with his dd.

Your only responsibility is to make your dd available for contact. If he's chosen somewhere to live that's unsuitable for her to visit then he's created the problem, not you. It's up to him to find a solution.

You have every right to feel comfortable and relaxed in your own home. He has no right to be there. If you don't want him there, you have every right to say so. I know it's hard because you want to make things as good as possible for your dd. But he can't opt out totally, and leave it all up to you to arrange his life with her.

You need time and space to deal with the break up. It's interesting he's already found the time and energy to date again. If he can make the effort for somebody he's only just met he can make an effort for his dd. Don't let him guilt trip you.

Definitely knock it on the head. It's your home, he can't come in except to pick up or drop off your DD. That's what happens when you split up, unless you're both happy with a more free flow arrangement like you currently have. You're not happy, so it stops.

If he can afford to take a woman out, he can afford to take his daughter out.

I had a similar situation wilth older kids and it drive me nuts. Mainly because I would have to feed him at the same times as the kids, have my life and home commented on and inspected and quite frequently my booze drunk secretly.
I put a stop to it but it's meant he now rarely sees the kids - three years on he still rents a space room from a friend and lives the life of a single man.
My life is better and much calmer - but it is now all on me. So be prepared for him to walk away rather than pit his child first.

Tell to take her out for the say on a Saturday..

One thing I can guarantee is he will never find a way to look after her out of your house.

He chose to leave. He has to deal with the consequences of that. You can still allow him to see her several times a week, he just needs to sort out where. Not in your home.

If he won't make an effort to see her unless its in your house, it shows a total inability to care for your daughter. Better to discover that now, than a few years down the line when your daughter will be older and more hurt by his lack of effort.

Good luck getting through this, it sounds awful

Thanks everyone.
Like I said I usually have a good judge on when I'm being unreasonable but he's very talented at making everything seem like my fault.
I'm going to have to be prepared for everything to fall on my shoulders but I have a pretty good support network with my mum, friends etc so it's not like I'll never get a chance to get out and meet new people!

At least I can say this to him now firm in the knowledge I'm not being unreasonable no matter how much he tries to tell me I am!

In the short term can he pay for your gym membership so you can go there? I'm sorry OP, this sounds like a horrible situation.

A bit off piste but are you both sure it's over? Is he receiving help for his mental health issues? I ask because having lived with dh when he was depressed I know first hand how people with depression can behave and exactly how wearing it can be for those closest to them. Fortunately dh pulled through and it was early in our relationship, pre-dc. But at the time he called things off several times and I was in a state of emotional chaos. Your split is very recent...

Yanbu not wanting him on your sofa in your house. But I don't think it was right to threaten him with not seeing your dd at all. That said, his behaviour must be having an impact on her and I'm not sure that, at the moment, seeing her dad like this is a good thing. It sounds like you all need help, starting with your ex, as it doesn't sound like he's getting any at present?

@LittleLionMansMummy,

It's definitely over. Some part of me maybe thought there was a chance we would work it out but after finding out he is dating there is absolutely no chance of us getting back together.
He has been back and forth to the Doctor and I believe he's getting counselling. Other than that I'm not sure.

Also I never threatened him with not seeing DD - I said he could see her any time he wanted just not sitting in my house.

Apologies I misunderstood Salt, but that's how I took

if he isn't able to actually take DD out of the house and away (so I can actually get a break/get stuff done) that he just can't see her.

I don't know what the alternative is and it sounds like a horrible situation. I just meant that it sounds like withholding contact altogether if he doesn't get out. As I said, I'm not sure what the answer is in terms of getting him out of the house and understand that you wanted to make an impact. I can just see how that kind of ultimatum could be perceived by a father with mental health issues.

Really sorry you're going through this. I hope the help he's receiving does indeed help to move things in the right direction.

@AnUtterIdiot

I don't know really. Like I say I tried to sort this all out and nip it in the bud a few weeks ago but he made me feel like such a shit for doing that, that I ended up saying "I'll just make the effort to be cool about it".

And I was managing, up until now. I'm having a hard time accepting the injustice of it all - he gets privacy to make plans, do what he wants, he has freedom to be wherever he wants after work and when he comes here he gets to just walk in and do what he wants. Whereas I'm stuck being there 24/7 for our DD and I don't have the privacy that he does. It's all very unfair but he's very, very good at making it seem like I'm the unreasonable one.

For example - one Sunday I had plans to go hiking. It would have involved me leaving the house early doors at around 10am - I asked him if this would be a problem and he said it might be a problem because he was going out on the Saturday night and he was relying on his friend to drive him through to the nearest city so he could catch the bus - I said it was unacceptable and that Sunday is my only day to get out hillwalking/hiking which is about the only hobby I actually have and he made me feel like a nagging, unreasonable cow for telling him it was unacceptable (I would have let this slide normally but every Sunday he has come to see her it's been on the back end of a night out and he's either hungover or extremely tired, so my patience had worn thin).

I think the word is gaslighting - even when we were together he was really good at that. 9/10 I was left feeling like I was nagging and being unreasonable and there was a lot of issues I ended up just putting up with and getting on with.

It sounds like it might be reaching the point where you need to draw up a formal contact agreement, OP. He's obviously not willing to be accommodating.

I just meant that it sounds like withholding contact altogether if he doesn't get out

The OP wouldn't be withholding contact. He would be declining it.

E-Mail is your friend here. Or a text if you think things can stay amicable. Just a simple message outlining current support situation re finances and access. And finish it up with unfortunately I can no longer host access in my home. Please make other arrangements from now on. And then when he rages and rages about the injustice of it all. Don't respond. Give him nothing. If he says well I can't see her then simply reply ok I understand you don't wish to collect your child this week please let me know for future weeks. DO NOT BACK DOWN

If he rages but doesn't cancel just make sure that when his access starts you have your child literally ready to go. As in in the buggy, spare clothes underneath and you literally open the door and hand over. Shut the door and leave him to go.

He just needs to accept this now needs to be a situation that suits you both not just him

I can't help thinking it's a case of "I don't want to be with you, but I don't want anyone else to be either".
Because in his head, if he's sat dossing in your house, nobody else can ever take his place.
He's preventing you from moving on, keeping himself 'present' in your life and home (but with no relationship or loyalty, oh no), and also by extension will be confusing your DC.

You do not have to let him sit like some prized turd in your house!