AIBU regarding arrangements with ex to see child

[SaltBae]

Usually I have a pretty good gauge on what's reasonable or unreasonable but as I've never been in this situation before I have really no idea.

Long story short, ex left me about 3 months ago as he didn't feel "himself" and he was depressed and had a lot of mental health problems. After 4 years and a kid together he no longer wants to commit to anyone or anything.

He comes to see our DD 3 nights a week, I used to go to the gym but I gave that up as can't afford it any longer. He is currently couch surfing at a (his words) "non kid friendly" friends flat.

So this means that 3 nights a week he comes round after work and just.. sits there. In my house, on my sofa, and I have to find reasons to leave the house when I could be doing housework. I'm trying to sound impartial but as anyone can probably tell I'm jaded and hurt and I hate having to see him because it just pours salt in the wound every time.

I said to him a few weeks ago that it was too hard seeing him and if he isn't able to actually take DD out of the house and away (so I can actually get a break/get stuff done) that he just can't see her. He went off on one saying I was completely unreasonable and that I was stopping him seeing his DD. I wasn't, I just didn't want him sitting in my house where she asks for me anyway so I get nothing done.

That was a long story and it was supposed to be short. I've since let him stay in the house when he is "looking after" her as he made me feel completely unreasonable. He told me today he's got a date at the weekend and it's just a reminder that I can't move on while he is here in the house for a few hours every few days.

Wise people of mumsnet, please help me sort this mess out without being an unreasonable mess of a woman...

Booboo is right. How many times haven't we heard about men who leaves and then think they still have the right to have free access to their former homes? It is not his home anymore and he cannot just decide when it suits him to come by. Get a solicitor. Get help. He is very BU.

Fuck that, he needs to face up to his responsibilities. If he's well enough to go and look for dates, he needs to sort shit out with own child.

If he can't take her out, whether it be in the evenings for tea, or a day at the weekend and can't use his families homes to have her if he really cannot get his own accomodation then I'd consider Court for a formal contact order and the use of a contact centre.

it needs to stop for your well being, and to avoid confusing your dd. He doesn't get to leave you and his responsibilities and then to have home comforts and you in the background to help with DD, he gave up those rights when he left.

I agree email is an effective way to communicate because you can change it until you are happy with it. I would suggest that you maybe consider dropping dd off initially to stop him even coming to the house, if he can afford to go out drinking every saturday he can afford soft play my idea of hell or taking her out for tea etc

good luck with this, its all so tough but you will get through this

Thanks for the response everyone.

I messaged him today and he just said 'Fine. I expect her to have had food and I'll take her out for a walk'

Works for me if it means I get a bit of peace to do the housework!

It's hard for him to come and take her away and do anything because there's not much to do in my little town and because he doesn't drive there's not many places for him to take her. There are a couple restaurants dotted around though so I said he could at least take her for dinner once a week!

That's great news but zero expectations from him. Just hand her over fed, suitably clothed and with a snack. The nothing to do in your town is his problems not yours. X