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AIBU?

telling parents about kid's rudeness

71 replies

deliverdaniel · 02/08/2017 19:30

Wondering as a general thing. Do you 'report back' on the bad behavior of your kids friends on playdates etc? Would you want to know if your own DC was badly behaved?

For eg yesterday, my husband took DS1 age 6 nearly 7, DS2 age 3 and a same age friend of DS1's out to the park to ride bikes. the friend was taunting DS2, telling him he smelled of poo/ that he was a baby who wore nappies etc. When DH told the boy to stop, the boy mimicked my husband and went "BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH" at him in a mocking voice.

I would want to know if DS behaved like that so I could address it with him, but don't want to tell tales or to fall out with the mum who I genearlly like and who I would consider a friend. FWIW the mum tends to believe that her son can do no wrong, so I'm not sure if it's just annoyance at this character trait that is giving me an unreasonable and childish urge to tell on him.
WWYD?

OP posts:
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Hissy · 03/08/2017 13:59

If she thinks her DS never does anything wrong, I'd say you should gently raise it.

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eddielizzard · 03/08/2017 13:59

if she asks i would tell her.

next time i'd pull the child up on it and say if he continues to be rude he won't be able to play with us anymore. i would supervise the playdate closely.

if that behaviour continues i would cool the playdates. i wouldn't volunteer the info though, if i valued the friendship.

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Whyamiwatchingthis · 03/08/2017 14:02

Mostly children i have alone in good friends with the mum and usually they ask "how've they been"
I've been known to very bluntly say "a little shit actually, they XYZ"
Depends on your nature and status I suppose but it definitely needs addressing 😂

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Wafflingwell · 03/08/2017 14:02

Sorry, just seen your update. Agree, it is very tricky.

Still think it is best policy, particular if boy is generally good kid, to deal with it yourself if you feel able.

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ElizabethShaw · 03/08/2017 14:05

Generally rowdy/excitable behaviour I wouldn't report back, but rudeness or disobedience I would. I would want to know if my children misbehaved.

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TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 03/08/2017 14:13

If a child that age had behaved like that with me, being nasty to younger child and deliberately rude to the parent, I would have first told them if that behaviour continued I'd have to tell their mother right now, and then taken them straight to their home and explained they were coming home early because they were picking on the younger child and being rude to me.

One of my kids was sent home from his best friend's a couple of times because he was nasty to the little brother. It took a while to have the desired effect, sadly, but it was absolutely the right thing to do. Now they are all older they don't remember anything other than always being friends, thankfully.

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Maryz · 03/08/2017 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/08/2017 14:22

I'd not mention it even though I'd want to. Encouraging friendships with other children is the best way forward. I took a child out with dd and me after school. He was rude about the food even though it was his choice because the bread was a little burnt on the edges (cheese in toast), generally obnoxious and showy offy, when I asked a question, he told me it was none of my business then he quoted what I assume is a message from a valentines card to his mother, starting with. "I'm only going to say this once. Roses are red, violets are blue, you're a mother fucking bitch but I still love you." 8 yr old btw. I reprimanded him 3 times and he told me he didn't realise telling me something is none of my business is rude. It's the parenting. Lovely, fun mother, full of energy, doesn't seem to tell him off and still acts like a kid herself. No boundaries and bringing up a very spirited child, who will likely struggle in the world when with his character he could probably have so much potential if he was given better barriers. Hard work at school apparently. The only thing I mentioned to his mum was the swearing and although she seemed to take it seriously, she didn't tell him off there and then and I got the impression she had no intention of telling him off and likely did the "oh dear, you got told off face" the moment the door was shut. It's a shame for him as I don't think he gets to go on many play dates as most parents won't take him it seems.

I'm not saying never have the child and ignore him from now on. Rather encourage a wider circle of friends and have him on a play date sometimes. Otherwise when your ds gets older, you may live to regret not trying harder. If your ds is eager to please, he may be a follower and do what the other kid says, which may not be safe or legal. You want him to say no and have other friends to fall back on or back him up.

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Mittens1969 · 03/08/2017 14:34

That's very rude behaviour, especially the response to your DH. He sounds like a spoiled little shit, I don't normally use that language but it seems appropriate as he taunted your DS about poo.

I don't normally tell my DDs' friends about their children's behaviour; as has been said, the mum clearly knows and doesn't do anything about it.

DD1 had a play date with a school mate at our house (they were both in year 1). This girl insisted on taking one of DD1's toys for good. I let her have one that my DDs had long forgotten about, and then she mever came round to our house again, and thankfully she and DD1 are in different classes now. I was shocked at that, but I didn't say anything about it.

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deliverdaniel · 03/08/2017 17:37

thanks for all the responses. I didn't tell the mum in the end (part cowardice, part thinking that probably no good would come of it) but if the bad behaviour continues (especially any taunting of DS2) I will say something to her I think.

Thanks for all your wise words!

OP posts:
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Genghi · 03/08/2017 17:44

The best thing you can do is reduce contact with this child, don't invite him over again etc, and encourage friendships with other kids. Not just boys, girls too.

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TatterdemalionAspie · 03/08/2017 18:34

Your DH needs to work on his death stare and authoritative voice, for a start!

I would have come down on him like a ton of bricks at the time, and if he'd apologised then I wouldn't have told the mum. Continued cheekiness then too bloody right I'd be telling his mother - I'd have taken him straight home.

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firawla · 03/08/2017 18:49

I've only ever had to do this once. It was a kid who's normally well behaved and I know his mum has standards so I wasn't expecting bad behaviour from him at all! But maybe he was over excited and he kept back chatting and winding up my younger one, so I told the mum at pick up as he really had driven me mad! To her credit the mum took it well and we haven't got bad feeling, although haven't done play dates since but done child free stuff and as time had gone on, I'm sure he'd probably be fine next time. But not all mums would take it so well, depending what they're like it could lead to a falling out so you have to weigh it up. If mine was really rude though I would like to know so I could nip it in the bud

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m0therofdragons · 03/08/2017 18:56

I wouldn't pass it on having dealt with it on the play date as last time I told a parent about her 7yo dd's behaviour (inappropriate gestures) the mum ignored me for a week then shouted at me in the playground saying I need to get a grip and 7yos all swear and gesture like her dd and I am very naive to think my dd doesn't. I ended up in tears in the bloody playground totally stunned after simply saying the week earlier "just to give you a heads up, the girls have picked up giving the middle finger to everyone."
Apparently I'm up myself. I thought I was friends with the mum and was on the same page. Won't make that mistake again!

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Iwillorderthefood · 03/08/2017 19:41

I tend to ask the child "so your parent would be happy to hear you talk like that would he/she". The child usually says "yes he/she lets me behave like this". To which I respond "ok, then you won't mind me calling right now to tell her how you're behaving then will you?" They usually say go on then, so I get my phone out and start setting the call up, at which point they realise I'm not backing down.

Most times the response is instant back down. At which point I say something like "ok I won't tell this time, but if you ever do xyz again I will call your parent immediately, then take you straight home, and you will never come out with us again".

However these are with kids I know well, whose parents I know well, who I know would be livid at such behaviour and whose reaction would be worse that the call itself.

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Apricotjamsndwich · 03/08/2017 20:20

Very much depends on the personality of your friend and your relationship with her.

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SPARKLYSTARSHINESBRIGHT · 03/08/2017 21:18

I wouldn't report back, it's done now. I would have told him there and then, if he's in your care, your rules. Maybe he acts like that at home and doesn't get pulled up about it. I regularly have my DD friend for sleepover/play dates, no behaviour problems but I will remind her to say please/thank you just like I would insist she hold my hand to cross road etc. Your friend's son is hardly going to go home and state he has been told off for being naughty.

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driveninsanebythehubby · 04/08/2017 12:12

Winter the child was nearly 7, not 3. The 3 year old was the child being taunted by the eldest boys friend.

I think you made a good call with how you handled it, OP, based upon the additional info you gave us. It sounds bad out of character, so as a one off the benefit of the doubt is reasonable. As you say, if it happens again, you will speak to the parent.

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Enidblyton1 · 04/08/2017 12:18

You've done what I would do OP. If he does the same next time you can sternly tell him that it's not acceptable and you'll tell his mum and won't have him to play again if he behaves like that. I find that usually does the trick.

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Lndnmummy · 04/08/2017 13:24

These children are so young. With that I mean that I would treat them the same as I would my own (pull them up on bad behaviour). That includes reporting back to the parent. Having a minor in my care means I felt I would have to and I absoloutley would expect it back. I do make sure children when with me have good manners (please, thank you and no back chat) and if I was comfortable enough to leave ds with someone I would expect the same. My ds is 5 and I hardly ever leave him anywhere as he gets overexcited and loud. If I leave him on a play date I always ask. Sometimes I hear back that his listening has been a problem or that he jumped on the sofa despite being told no etc. If that happens I make him apologise to his host and write a card with a pledge not to repeat it. Job done. As adults you are in this together "it takes a village" and all that. I want an honest account of how my ds has behaved. I deal with it accordingly as does his friends parents. We all get on well, all our dc's have been "the naughty one" but we deal with it there and then, report back, and move on.

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Mittens1969 · 04/08/2017 14:04

I remember babysitting our two nephews many years ago, they were ages 4 and 3. Our niece of 1 was there too but she was already in bed. My DBIL and his wife went out for a meal together, which was very rare for them. (They have 5 DCs now, each to their own lol!) It was before we had our DDs.

The 4 year old said he was looking forward to his uncle putting him to bed. Naively, DH thought he meant tucking him in. Of course he didn't!! I'll never forget how stressful my poor DH found it. The DNs kept telling us that mummy and daddy let them do all sorts of things when in the bath, mainly splashing the water everywhere!

At the very end of the evening, DN2 (3), asked me, 'You won't really tell my mummy and daddy??' It makes me laugh so much remembering this.

We had the boys to stay again much later, when they were 9 and 8, and they were so well behaved. Some things young children do are definitely not worth making a big thing out of. Grin

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