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AIBU?

telling parents about kid's rudeness

71 replies

deliverdaniel · 02/08/2017 19:30

Wondering as a general thing. Do you 'report back' on the bad behavior of your kids friends on playdates etc? Would you want to know if your own DC was badly behaved?

For eg yesterday, my husband took DS1 age 6 nearly 7, DS2 age 3 and a same age friend of DS1's out to the park to ride bikes. the friend was taunting DS2, telling him he smelled of poo/ that he was a baby who wore nappies etc. When DH told the boy to stop, the boy mimicked my husband and went "BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH" at him in a mocking voice.

I would want to know if DS behaved like that so I could address it with him, but don't want to tell tales or to fall out with the mum who I genearlly like and who I would consider a friend. FWIW the mum tends to believe that her son can do no wrong, so I'm not sure if it's just annoyance at this character trait that is giving me an unreasonable and childish urge to tell on him.
WWYD?

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feral · 02/08/2017 20:04

I both want to know and will tell the other parent when their child has been the 'silly' one.

If they're precious and won't send their kid again because of it then good!

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ConstanceCraving · 02/08/2017 20:05

Plant he's the same age as the DS1 6 nearly 7.

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SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/08/2017 20:06

Yes I do - but some parents (mothers) come backwash "He says he didn't. Unless I see him do it myself I won't do anything about it."

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SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/08/2017 20:06

*backwith, not backwash

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EezerGoode · 02/08/2017 20:06

I'd of stopped the play and taken the child home immediately,phoning the parent in advance we are coming back..so and so has been very rude

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ConstanceCraving · 02/08/2017 20:07

I'd also say he seemed jealous of boys who have hands on dads.

You what now?

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AwaywiththePixies27 · 02/08/2017 20:09

Yes I tell, I start off by saying 'he/she's had a good time today but I did have to speak to him/her about , I just wanted to let you know.'

Exactly this. What they choose to do with it is up to them but they cant say they haven't been told.

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deliverdaniel · 02/08/2017 20:12

plantsitter no he's nearly 7. Sorry it was confusing. MY DS1 and his friend (the one who was rude) are both nearly 7. DS2 is 3, that is who the friend was being mean to.

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deliverdaniel · 02/08/2017 20:14

notevilstepmother I'm not sure what you mean? DH didn't 'tolerate' it as such- it just happened. Then the kid ran off and it was time to go home. So we were wondering how to handle it afterwards.

Thanks for all the replies. It's a tricky one. We are friends with the parents (have been on holiday with them) and I don't want to cut them out of our lives. And DS has found it hard to make friends in the past- he is very shy and he and this boy have a lot in common in other ways so have generally been trying to encourage the friendship. ugh. Awkward.

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GinnyWreckin · 02/08/2017 20:26

It's not awkward, just cool it with this boy and stay friends with his mum. Only meet this boy when his mum is there to supervise him, or just meet the mum on her own for a coffee.

Find friends for your son who don't bully him, or are so caught up in jealously and envy, they're nasty. You should be widening his circle for him, especially if he's shy. Having a bully as the only friend is a situation you really, really want to avoid.

It's so bad for your shy boy's self esteem, to only encourage this relationship, and he'll forever blame you for not stepping up for him, and just throwing him under the bus, just because you like the mum, and it's awkward for you to assert yourself in favour of your son.

Get cracking on finding some nice lads for your nice lad to play with. Join a sports / arts club.

Simples.

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cleanlaundry · 02/08/2017 21:03

Might be a bit unorthodox but after the park incident I would have spoken to the friend at home saying you'd be telling his mum about what happened, then tell the mum about the incident and the fact that you told him you'll tell his mum. (My kids aren't that old yet but I have told children "no, you don't do that" at soft play for pushing DD or shoving her hard enough for her to fall, as parent is not around or parent is not saying anything themselves!)

Gently inform her because if you're friends yourself you don't want this to be the cause of bad blood between you

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cleanlaundry · 02/08/2017 21:05

Sound advice from @GinnyWreckin though, that's a situation you should avoid. Don't let your own kids go through that

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deliverdaniel · 02/08/2017 21:09

thanks- I don't want to mischaracterise this kid as a bully. He is generally a nice kid. Was just behaving badly yesterday (I think he was being mean to DS2 as a misguided attempt to bond with DS1 and show off. Not great, I admit, but I don't think it was malicious.) I do want to keep their friendship going if I can because they are both equally quirky and both quite different in many ways from most of the boys in their year (ie they both dislike sport, love creating weird fantasy worlds etc) and I love the fact that DS has someone with whom he has a lot in common

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LoyaltyAndLobster · 02/08/2017 21:11

I think I'd let it go the first time, but if it happened again I would tell.

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Notevilstepmother · 02/08/2017 22:03

Sorry if I wasn't clear, if DH isn't willing to speak to the other parent and the behaviour continued (and in fact got worse - the way he mimicked your DH is shocking) after he told the child off, then he is in effect tolerating the bad behaviour.

I wouldn't be willing to take a child out for a nice trip to anywhere if he is behaves like that to the adult in charge.

I apppreciate what you are saying about DS making friends, but do you really want him having friends with that sort of attitude problem at such a young age?

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Notevilstepmother · 02/08/2017 22:07

Sorry, missed your last post.

If this is out of character and you want to keep this friendship going then I think you or DH need to speak to your son about how disappointed you were with his friends behaviour so your son doesn't think you are ok with it, and speak to the parent as well. If you say nothing now and it's worse in future she will want to know why you kept it from her this time.

Doesn't she ask how he was?

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Scholes34 · 02/08/2017 22:25

I would have dealt with it direct with the child when the incident happened - not making a big deal of it, but being firm and nipping such behaviour in the bud. I wouldn't necessarily mention it to the parent. You obviously know the family well enough if you've been on holiday with them and will have seen their family dynamic in action. I've never had a problem being direct with the children of people I know well. It's always difficult, anyway, when you've a younger sibling in tow.

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Winterview · 03/08/2017 07:09

No I wouldn't mention it for a 3 year old unless the mum asked!

An older child I would say something.

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ChilliMary · 03/08/2017 07:12

Just tell her. But don't look after that chid again.

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Trb17 · 03/08/2017 07:16

If it's a one off I'd have warned the child that any more if that behaviour and you would tell his parents and not take home out again.

If it's happened more than once I would definitely tell the parents. We need to teach children how to behave instead of raising a generation of brats with no respect. Ignoring his behaviour tells him he can get away with it.

I'd want to know if my DD behaved badly when out with others.

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YummyBelicious · 03/08/2017 13:50

First incident I would tell off myself/husband tells off, with warning of future problems being told to his mum.

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Pickofthepops · 03/08/2017 13:55

Had v similar with older ds and friend both 9yrs. Play date went downhill all day, friend rude to dh who had taken them for a long kickabout at park. Refused to eat (his choice of food), mean to dd age 2. Ended up with physical aggression in a game in garden right in front of me and bravado about not needing friends and basically hating everyone. Was Awful. I know reasons and it was blood sugar as well I reckon. Talked to the mum who I like - when she picked up. Was difficult but I would rather know and she said she would. Sadly the friendship has suffered. I had words about the physical aggression and ds just carried on as was. Back at school and other boy is unkind, is violent disguised as rough play in football games at playtime. School aware. I don't regret telling his mum, and appreciate reasons for it, just feel for ds as he didn't tell tale, or kick back or get involved (despite it all being aimed at him). Tricky one. Would hope with this boy, you being friends with parents would make it easier. I like the parents of this child but feel it's made things uncomfortable.

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Outlookmainlyfair · 03/08/2017 13:56

In theory I would say, but experience tells me that if you say anything you will end up with a shit storm. So if you do, and it wu I'd be theright thing to do, get your flack jacket and helmet ready.

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Wafflingwell · 03/08/2017 13:57

No. No. Never.

In any other situation, I would always advocate honesty, but in this situation, no good ever comes of it.

Always hand back the child and say "delightful, lovely, blah, blah" and, if their behaviour was really horrendous, don't invite back.

But I would have dealt with the incident at time in the park ie "please don't speak to me again like that or we will leave the park immediately".

Most reasonable children who are testing you out a bit will behave after that.

And in most cases, if a child is really badly behaved on a regular basis, their mum's know about it anyway.

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japanesegarden · 03/08/2017 13:58

I can think of a couple of similar instances of behaviour from my DDs' friends. DDS are now 19 and 22 and still friends with these people, who have grown up into lovely adults. So no, unless it's part of a bigger pattern, I'd say nothing. If it was repeated, that'd be different, but I think every child has lapses of politeness.

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