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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to tell her to call less??

35 replies

nosleepforme · 02/08/2017 17:38

i have been married for several years. i had not meet/spoken to all my dh siblings until 1+ years after we were married.
suddenly, for the past 3 mos, sil has been calling both me and dh a few times a day. we both do not have a close relationship with her and dont feel a need/want to. i generally dont get to speak to her though as she has terrible timing.
sil is insisting we visit her (all of a sudden after all these years). dh has said that we are not available to travel to her (she lives far away) due to work and normal life, but when we are available, we will be in contact. she continues to bother us both, with at least 3 phone calls a day saying things like "we cant have you these dates, and im so sorry to cancel..." (cancel what?! we never asked to come!!)
i am now pg after trying for a while and going through several mc's. i really want this time to myself and am finding her constant calling very stressful. dh and i have agreed that we do not want to share our news with his family.
aibu to call her and thank her for her kind invitation, but firmly let her know that we will not be able to accept and she should stop calling so often? dh thinks its better to ignore and tell her "not this week etc." but it's not working!

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 02/08/2017 17:42

Is it too much to actually visit - she is family after all

thebigbluedustbin · 02/08/2017 17:44

This is your DH's sister?

Unless there's a massive backstory, I don't understand why her contacting you and wanting to see you is a problem.

AlpacaLypse · 02/08/2017 17:49

Three times a day sounds pretty needy! I doubt I call my SILs more than three or four times a year.

NerrSnerr · 02/08/2017 17:53

How far is far away? A couple of hours or a transatlantic flight? If in the U.K. I'd probably visit.

Nikephorus · 02/08/2017 17:55

I'm not sure I'd be too keen to visit someone who's calling several times a day!

QuackDuckQuack · 02/08/2017 17:56

Calling that many times makes me think that visiting won't put an end to the calls. I'm not sure what would end them except being blunt. Is there another family member who could give some insight into why she keeps calling?

Mrscropley · 02/08/2017 17:57

Did she start bothering after you announced the pregnancy?

Original poster
nosleepforme · 02/08/2017 17:59

yes dh sister. she lives on the other side of the country, so its not possible to just drop everything and go. dh and i work very hard and on weekends too since we are now saving up for baby.
its not a problem to be in contact from time to time, and we do visit occasionally (she says she can never meet up or come to us as it takes up too much time, even though she and her dh do not work). being in contact several times every day came across as a bit excessive, especially as we do not have much of a relationship with her. (she has never once called us before this, it was always us calling her on birthdays or holidays etc.)

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onalongsabbatical · 02/08/2017 18:00

This sudden change of behaviour seems very weird on her part, OP. Does she have any mental health issues that you are aware of? Could she have developed a mental health issue? Has she had any change in her life that could have triggered this - like losing her partner to death or to them leaving her, for instance? Alarm bells ringing.

onalongsabbatical · 02/08/2017 18:00

x-post!

Original poster
nosleepforme · 02/08/2017 18:02

@Mrscropley no one from my dh family knows about pregnancy as neither me nor dh feel close enough to tell them

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Original poster
nosleepforme · 02/08/2017 18:03

thanks all for your input. i cant think of anything that would suddenly change her behaviour.

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Notevilstepmother · 02/08/2017 18:13

It does sound odd that there is a sudden change like this. Can you get someone else to check if she is OK?

Other than that I suggest you ask her to call DH on his mobile and get him to deal with the constant phone calls.

junebirthdaygirl · 02/08/2017 18:16

Your dh sounds very sepaated from his family. Has this dsis mental health problems as that is excessive calling . But now and tben with some visits is the usual thing.

Original poster
nosleepforme · 02/08/2017 18:32

yes @junebirthdaygirl unfortunately, dh is very separated from his fam as you put it, but that is a whole other story...
@notevilstepmother we have already tried that, but the outcome was that she calls us both now instead of just me. i've had 2 calls today (during work time) and dh is abroad right now so cant answer his phone and has had three missed calls today...
maybe she is going through some sort of mid life crisis?? but she is not communicating that when we answer the phone.
what do you all advise - call and be polite yet firm, or just ignore? i dont want her to think i am being nasty and ignoring her.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 02/08/2017 18:39

I would just ignore the calls and maybe call her once a week to catch up, just explain that you are both busy at work and can't drop everything to take calls.

It does sound like she's feeling lonely or has mental health issues, is it possible she isn't happy with her dh/dp?

onalongsabbatical · 02/08/2017 18:44

dh is very separated from his fam as you put it, but that is a whole other story...
Very hard to advise without any of the backstory, sorry. If your DH is so averse to his family, I'd bet there are mental health issues going on left, right and center. So can't say what would be a good way to handle this.

QuiteLikely5 · 02/08/2017 18:51

tgis whole thing is bizarre!

Why would you not tell your family your pregnant?

Why does he treat his sister so bad?

Yes she is calling too much but your attitude towards her is quite cold

Maelstrop · 02/08/2017 18:52

I don't think her behaviour is normal. Is she talking about dates every time she calls? I think your DH needs to deal with her and tell her a frequency of calls with which you're happy. She's called you twice and him three times in one day after not calling bar birthdays. This is really odd.

2tired2bewitty · 02/08/2017 18:54

Is there any possibility that she has found out about the pregnancy by some means (mutual friends you're not aware of or something) and is trying to engineer a relationship with the new baby?

AvoidingCallenetics · 02/08/2017 19:00

I think this sounds like something is very wrong. I would call her parents/other siblings and see if someone who lives nearer would check on her. She might have been diagnosed with something awful or be developing mh issues.
If nothing is wrong, then she might be regretting lack of a decent relationship with her brother and want to put it right but is alienating him instead.

You are having kids now - would you want them to have this distant a relationship when they grow up? If not, I think your dh has a duty to get to the bottom of this and actually talk to her.

Questioningeverything · 02/08/2017 19:05

Honestly it sounds way too much. I'd change numbers or block then drop an email or message on fb and say we're having difficulties with the phone signal where we live, we'll have to keep in touch online until it's fixed. Then you can reply as and when you please.

I don't know what the issues are, but going from very distant a few calls a year to several a day is ridiculous. I haven't spoken to several members of my family for years, none know about my dc to my knowledge and I'm comfortable with that. There's many reasons people go low or no contact

pinkdelight · 02/08/2017 19:16

Have you asked her what's the matter, asked why she keeps calling? What does she say? There must be more to it. DH needs to find out. It's fair enough for you to ignore, esp if you're not up to it at the mo, but she's his sister and he should be able to (nicely) confront her and get to the bottom of it. Worst case scenario, if she takes umbrage and falls out with you both, at least she'll stop calling. Best case scenario, she gets help with whatever her real problem is and the calls stop.

Original poster
nosleepforme · 02/08/2017 19:19

@QuiteLikely5 i dont think anyone is treating her badly. like i said we call and visit and always bring gifts (but she does not reciprocate). yes, the relationship is not a close one, but that is not a bad thing.
@Maelstrop yes, i think the same. (lol especially since she has never caught a birthday.) no she does not always talk about dates, so it is confusing.
@2tired2bewitty there is no way she knows as i have only told my mum and dad and they are sworn to secrecy. i have seen her since i got pg, but i was not showing one bit at the time.
@AvoidingCallenetics none of the family have anything to do with each other. all sil have suffered mh issues at some point in their lives. they had a very unstable upbringing. dh was not brought up with them, he is 20 years younger! i dont want my kids to be exposed too much to the unhealthy relationships happening in this family, but equally dont want to cut them out.
i always made an effort whereas dh family did not. i think she has picked up something has changed (i was on bedrest for 3 mos so did not contact them very much. dh made sure to call though.)

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Original poster
nosleepforme · 02/08/2017 19:21

@pinkdelight dh did ask in a very polite way. she was baffled why he asked and said "i'm just calling to say hi. being a good sister."

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