Aibu to think my dad is a bit of a arsehole?

[Natanddogs]

Il just say first I do love my dad obviously as its my dad but his attitude stinks.
If you don't agree with him or have a different opinion he just shouts and swears.
Interrupts etc
Last night I went over for tea and he had made a roast,all day I fancied cauliflower cheese so I brought some over.
Soon as he seen it he started shouting "what was the point in me making veg"
I said "oh I love all the veg you've made I'm eating it all,I'm just having some cauli cheese too"
He went on and on and on and I snapped "look it's a cauliflower cheese,I bought it,I'm still eating your veg,get a grip"
He went off on one " there you go again starting as soon as you walk through the door"
Today we are going to the races and the train is at 10.50am but going for breakfast first.
He said we will leave here at 10,I said I think we should leave at 9.30 am as 10 is cutting it fine to order,eat then get tickets.
Starts shouting "you just do what you want,I'm leaving at 10 "
He does this with everything,having a opinion to him is apparently causing trouble.
I'm 31 and not allowed a opinion.
I can't help but snap back as I find it pathetic.
AIBU?

Forget the veg.

What do you think of the idea of detaching a little bit? Give yourself some space .. it my. Help you find a way not to be so 'pulled in' to the pattern of anger and criticism.

I'm not suggesting you stop seeing him, just try doing a little bit less contact and see if you feel better.

You need to find a way to exit from this cycle of action, reaction, more reaction etc, him nasty, you hurt, you bite back, he bites bigger etc etc. You don't need it.

Dear god OP I totally get what you are saying! I can't fucking believe this cauli cheese debate going on when you are clearly distressed that your dad, who you love and is your only family, treats you pretty badly and upsets you. Newsflash people- the vegetables are a red herring/diversion and the real AIBU is whether her dad is out of order.
It sounds a bit unusual, that he can "control" himself with friends but not with you. Do you think that's because he can control it, or he spends less time with friends so they don't see it?

Typo: 'it may help'

I know this is much bigger than cauliflower cheese but I do think it's rude to turn up with something without agreeing in advance - it's sort of saying that you don't think that you're going to be fed properly or that you don't like his food. However he does sound like a bully and I'd be tempted to spend less time with him - could you write to him to explain how you feel about things?

I know this is much bigger than cauliflower cheese but I do think it's rude to turn up with something without agreeing in advance - it's sort of saying that you don't think that you're going to be fed properly or that you don't like his food. However he does sound like a bully and I'd be tempted to spend less time with him - could you write to him to explain how you feel about things?

Honestly, you need to disengage. He's an arse, but you are putting yourself in the firing line by spending so much time with him. I'm fairly sure you wouldn't let anyone else treat you like that, so don't let him.

You are a grown woman not a kid any more, and you are equal to him. You don't have to defer to him, you don't have to let him be rude to you. It's ok to call him out on his rudeness. Trust me, just try it, and when you see the world doesn't come to an end, you will wish you had done it years ago.

Learn to deflect his comments. With the incident in the shop I would have said "that's rude Dad, please don't embarrass me like that". When he started on about the dinner, you should have calmly said "ok Dad I'm leaving now. I don't appreciate being shouted at" and then left. If you do this every time, he will get the message. Don't make a drama out of it, just be calm and don't give him the opportunity to shout.

Start being less available. Why would you want to spend time with someone who makes you miserable? Be busy sometimes. If he asks you to do something, say "yes I'd love to, but if you shout at me I will go home", and mean it. Don't be manipulated or manipulative.

I understand OP, its not really about the cauliflower cheese but that you can't do anything right.

My DF is similar, and tbh if I didn't live a distance away and had limited contact with him I'd have long gone insane. DH was in hospital recently and I spent more time trying to placate DF than dealing with anything else - I wasn't doing things as DF would have wanted them despite what DH actually wanted from me. Normally distance is my ally, but I did lose it on this occassion. Hasn't changed things much though.

Oh jesus people, it wasn't rude to show up with cauliflower cheese.

OP, if he shouts at you I would simply look at him with a shocked expression and say "why are you shouting?". Leave if you have to. Before you walk in the front door, prepare yourself. Take a deep breath and use a "persona" if you have to. No-nonsense teacher mode, grey rock, whichever one you choose. And when he flies off the handle or starts yelling, shut him down, then leave if necessary.

You guys don't have boundaries at the moment - you shout or snap at each other - but you know that he is capable of acting normally, as he does it with his friends.

So start putting those boundaries in place until he gets it.

So all this fuss about a meal-I would have cancelled breakfast & just met at the station for the train.

I guess he takes the cauliflower cheese as a criticism of his culinary skills?

You fancied it all day-so why didn't you have it for lunch though?

You really had to have it with the meal that he was making?

You do both sound deliberately antagonistic!

Can't believe everyone fixating on the cauliflower cheese! He sounds like an angry, emotionally abusive man who has been this way for a very long time. Your mum was scared of him and while it doesn't sound like you are, you seem to be in an unhealthy pattern of reacting to him. You don't necessarily need therapy but one thing you would learn there is that you cannot change how other people behave, only how you react to them. I suggest taking a step back and distancing yourself emotionally, and trying not to react apart from to say 'that was rude ' or similar.

Dunno about anyon else but I'm bloody craving cauliflower cheese now. I'll out myself by lunchtime, having my mum cook us it 😂

So he can be nice (and is with his friends) but has only been this antagonistic with you and your Ma, when she was alive.
I get wanting to spend time with him, especially since your Ma isn't around any more
But he doesn't sound pleasant at all. Can you stay calm and be calm but very firm with him when he gets angry?

Stay calm and be calm
child distracted me while typing

I have something very similar OP so can totally relate to you. You can't win with someone like that family or not. I moved over 100 miles away from my family and it was the best thing I've ever done.

I didn't think you were rude to bring cauliflower cheese either. But, with respect, you both do sound as bad as each other. I don't think you should take a break from him just maybe take the higher ground and try and bite your tongue when he starts. Hard I know. And maybe at a calmer moment tell him how you feel. It's obvious you still want a relationship with your DF this might be a way of maintaining this.
I hope you have a good time today

I can't see what's wrong with bringing a side dish to a casual family lunch unless it wasn't to share. Don't people bring extra food to BBQs and bottles of wine to dinner parties, so what's the big deal here? OP wasn't bringing a whole meal with her and refusing to eat the one he'd prepared.

He sounds like a massive twat who just likes to shout and argue over very little. It sounds as though he was abusive to your poor mum and now you're on the receiving end. Odd how he's so "charming" to his mates thought isn't it, just like many of these types you read about on here

Bringing along other food without being asked when someone else has cooked is rude.

You both sound very alike - and very stubborn. You both need to compromise.