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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think my dad is a bit of a arsehole?

67 replies

Natanddogs · 02/08/2017 08:02

Il just say first I do love my dad obviously as its my dad but his attitude stinks.
If you don't agree with him or have a different opinion he just shouts and swears.
Interrupts etc
Last night I went over for tea and he had made a roast,all day I fancied cauliflower cheese so I brought some over.
Soon as he seen it he started shouting "what was the point in me making veg"
I said "oh I love all the veg you've made I'm eating it all,I'm just having some cauli cheese too"
He went on and on and on and I snapped "look it's a cauliflower cheese,I bought it,I'm still eating your veg,get a grip"
He went off on one " there you go again starting as soon as you walk through the door"
Today we are going to the races and the train is at 10.50am but going for breakfast first.
He said we will leave here at 10,I said I think we should leave at 9.30 am as 10 is cutting it fine to order,eat then get tickets.
Starts shouting "you just do what you want,I'm leaving at 10 "
He does this with everything,having a opinion to him is apparently causing trouble.
I'm 31 and not allowed a opinion.
I can't help but snap back as I find it pathetic.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Witsender · 02/08/2017 08:15

He doesn't sound NT to be honest.

But bringing your own food to someone else's dinner is a bit rude.

choochooo · 02/08/2017 08:16

He sounds grumpy and unhappy and I sympathise. Is there any way you can spend less time with him?

I can see why he'd be annoyed if you brought something to eat instead of what he'd made, but you've explained it was a side dish which is different.

Shouting is not ok and he needs to be treated like a child if he is going to act like one.

Ameliablue · 02/08/2017 08:16

He was justified to be annoyed about the cauliflower cheese, that was really rude. Obviously he's being rude as well if he is telling strangers you are getting fat. Sounds like there is fault on both sides.

MargotLovedTom1 · 02/08/2017 08:16

It's not lovely now though. I'm not saying cut him off, just don't see him as much. You sound like Steptoe & Daughter! I know you love him but he upsets you and makes you unhappy sometimes so back off a little for your own sake.

livefornaps · 02/08/2017 08:17

And reading your updates he sounds nasty and bitter. What an awful comment to the cashier!!!

As for a tin of carrots and a tin of peas - wow, he really pushed the boat out, hey? Must've taken hours, that little lot.

bullyingadvice2017 · 02/08/2017 08:17

I don't think I could put up with that shit. Do you live together? If not I'd be reducing contact and pulling him every time he spoke to me like that. If it was a friend you wouldn't accept being spoken to like that. Is it one of them where everyone says "oh you know what he's like"... as if that makes it ok for them to treat everyone like shit. Call him on his bullshit. It's not pleasant being around that kind of person.

Original poster
Natanddogs · 02/08/2017 08:18

I wouldn't care,its a side dish of vegetables.
If he liked them and wanted to eat them,why would I be bothered?
Plus the veg he made was out of a tin and warmed up.

OP posts:
Loveluck7 · 02/08/2017 08:19

Natanddogs, why do you spend so much time together, if you irritate each other? Shouting and swearing are not nice but I think taking your own food round was very rude. You say that you do not understand why it is rude to take something you like. I like trifle but I would not take one to a dinner party without prior arrangement and if someone turned up at my house for dinner, with their own food, I would be mortified.

Mothervulva · 02/08/2017 08:19

I'm surprised to many people are bothered about cauli cheese to go with a roast. Especially when it's family. So weird.

livefornaps · 02/08/2017 08:21

I don't know why everyone is fixating on this bloody cauliflower cheese - if I were making a roast and someone arrived with an extra side dish, I'd be happy!

Plus it doesn't excuse the shoddy way he treats his own daughter. Even if that were a rude thing to do (imo it's not but whatever) - YELLING at someone....really?!

Plus by everything else you'be said he sounds a cantankerous old git.

Sometimes we want things from people which frankly they are unable to provide, sadly.

MargotLovedTom1 · 02/08/2017 08:21

Stop focusing on the vegetables and look at the wider picture. Can you see how backing off a little bit might be helpful. If he rails against this ("Where you been, eh? You never bother anymore.") then try to keep calm and explain it's because you were arguing a lot.

Do you have a happy life generally OP? Do you have a partner, friends etc?

onceandneveragain · 02/08/2017 08:22

Why do posters think it's rude to bring a side dish to a meal? If he'd spent ages cooking lamb and op rocked up with a salmon and said she didn't fancy lamb, fair enough, but bringing an extra dish to supplement the main meal is normal, even polite surely? How is it any different from bringing a dessert or bottle of wine?

Particularly as it's an informal family get together not a big dinner party.

Op I would just seriously see less of him. Why put yourself through that stress and aggression?

Original poster
Natanddogs · 02/08/2017 08:25

It wasn't a fancy dinner,it was me and my dad.
Him eating it on his knee whilst watching the racing...nothing fancy.
I wouldn't take food to a fancy event with friends but if you can't be relaxed around your own dad...it's odd.

OP posts:
Original poster
Natanddogs · 02/08/2017 08:25

Yeah it's not bad ,friends etc
No boyfriend
I just get upset to think my dad probably doesn't even like me.

OP posts:
SouthChinaMorningPost · 02/08/2017 08:26

Tinned veg is revolting, i'm not surprised you had to supplement.
You will get more respect from him by seeing him less, I promise.

Grilledaubergines · 02/08/2017 08:26

Taking an extra veg to dinner at your dad's isn't rude at all, It's your dad!

He sounds very set in his ways. He's made his plans and there's no room for deviation. If he's not used to be questioned or having another opinion thrown in there, it's probably why his anger.

I don't think you're out of line OP. Nor is your dad. Apart from the shouting which is shit and you need to speak to him. You are an adult. He needs reminding of that. Tell him you aren't enjoying his company when this is how he behaves. Give yourself a little distance and him food for thought.

SonicBoomBoom · 02/08/2017 08:27

He sounds really hard work.

MargotLovedTom1 · 02/08/2017 08:29

He sounds like the type of grumpy old(ish) man who doesn't really 'like' anyone. I'm sure he loves you deeply but he's not easy to be around. Who instigates the trips out and meals together etc? You or him? If he invites you somewhere I just wouldn't go as much.

Have you tried having a conversation about how his attitude makes you feel?

MumBod · 02/08/2017 08:29

He sounds deeply unpleasant and you sound like a nice daughter that he's lucky to have.

With an attitude like that on him he needs to realise that if it wasn't for you he'd be a very lonely man.

And as for the cauliflower cheese - you weren't rude. He's your dad! If one of my DCs rocked up with something they loved, I'd laugh, and say something like, "Oh, I forgot that's your favourite! I'll make you some next time!"

Because I'm fairly normal.

Original poster
Natanddogs · 02/08/2017 08:32

The thing is with his friends he is so charming.
He wouldn't say a word to them.
He never raises his voice etc
Just me..and my mum when she was alive.
I don't get it.

OP posts:
simon50 · 02/08/2017 08:35

Don't forget to take some sausages and bacon with you if your meeting him for breakfast!

Neverknowing · 02/08/2017 08:35

I honestly think you're right op! I don't see how taking cauliflower cheese is rude either, I think it's nice almost instead of taking wine. I always bring something to dinner.
I would personally call him up on it, maybe over text so he can cool off before he replies. Definitely don't do it while he's angry but just explain (without attacking his character) that you hate how he reacts and you're a grown ass woman!
Also, leave at 9.30. Let him miss the train, then he'll know it's his own fault.

UrsulaPandress · 02/08/2017 08:37

I can't get past the tinned carrots and a packet of cauliflower cheese.

However, I think it's lovely that you spend so much time with your dad.

Alltheusernamesalreadyinuse · 02/08/2017 08:40

OP, sounds like u might be a bit like your dad, which is why he winds you up (and you wind him up!) so much!

It was nice of your dad to cook you a whole roast meal :) (don't think my family have done that for me since I was about 11)! I know u fancied cauliflower cheese, but I can understand your dad feeling hurt when u rocked up with it! (deep down, I expect he was hoping for a 'thanks dad! I appreciate the effort u went to, and this roast is delicious!' You could perhaps have waited and had cauliflower cheese some other time! (Unless u r pregnant and seeeeerrriously craving it!)

Anyway, I expect the issues r more than cauliflower cheese and when to go to the races! Think about what u are REALLY angry with your dad for, and choose a time to sit down together, in a non defensive way, to discuss these bigger issues.

simon50 · 02/08/2017 08:40

That's family for you. When I used to visit my dad he would want to argue the toss over everything and then tell me he found my visits stressful !