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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That DH is going out tomorrow?

44 replies

Bossybessy · 01/08/2017 23:22

I am a stay at home mum and have had just one of those crappy weeks. It's half term and potty training is happening with one DC, a low-level tummy bug with the other. So we've been completely housebound.

DH tells me he's working in the morning only tomorrow. And he's going out with his friends in the afternoon.

I kick off. If he's not at work, he should be helping out - or at least giving me a break as I am going mental staying home so much.

He said (then denied it and back-tracked) "you don't help me with my job, why should I help you with yours?" (My job being the kids.) He then denied he said that (he did) and insisted that there's nothing wrong with the fact that he's seeing friends in the afternoon rather than helping as he would have been working anyway.

AIBU to be really pissed off? Should he just be able to do what he likes with his time off (that I didn't expect him to have off anyway)?

He says I'm trying to stop him from having a social life and that I'm being a bitch.

I say he's being selfish. He is very hands-on when he's at home, we share the load, but I just don't think he should be able to do whatever he likes with his time off - I can't.

(He also said "it's not my fault if you can't handle having these kids" I absolutely can handle it - just having a shit week! And it's SUMMER HOLIDAYS!)

OP posts:

Original poster

Bossybessy · 01/08/2017 23:26

Ok my subject line makes no sense! I mean "AIBU to be angry that DH is going out tomorrow?"! (Sleep-deprived brain...)

OP posts:

PickAChew · 01/08/2017 23:31

He's an arrogant wankstain. They're his children too and he probably had more fun in the overall process of making them than you did. I'd not see the problem with him spending an afternoon with friends if he hadn't been so bloody rude and dismissive of you.

Please tell me (as per another thread tonight) that you aren't routinely washing and ironing his clothes and feeding him. After al, it's not your fault he's not able to take basic care of himself

Butterandsugar · 01/08/2017 23:31

He's being unreasonable. Fair play if he has time off and you're not desperate for a break but given you need a rest plus those comments I'd be furious.

If being a SAHP is your 'job' I'd be inclined to wonder where your sick leave/holiday allowance/overtime is?

sahknowme · 01/08/2017 23:33

In the evenings and on the weekends, do you share responsibility 50/50? Even if you are, if he's in a normal full time job, he's probably getting around 25 days of holiday a year. It wouldn't be unreasonable for him to share those with you (i.e. take some of them off to give you a break).

WatchingFromTheWings · 01/08/2017 23:35

Tell him you're taking a half day from your job the day after and he can have the kids. And go out yourself.

Mrskeats · 01/08/2017 23:38

Your 'job' wow
You don't get to clock off at 5 do you?
He's being v selfish

Original poster

Bossybessy · 01/08/2017 23:46

Thank you! I felt like he was throwing back in my face that I confessed to him I wanted to go back to work - as I feel lonely at home with the kids - with his "can't handle it" comment

When he's home we split the kid-work completely. But I have no social life whatsoever because DC won't go to bed for anyone but me. Plus I'm knackered. And all my friends also have little kids so they're knackered too.

It's not that misery loves company, it's just that I've not left the house since Saturday! And I could really use a break tomorrow afternoon too!

I like your suggestion, watching, that I take my own half day on Thursday

OP posts:

ChicRock · 02/08/2017 00:01

DC won't go to bed for anyone but me

How did that come about then? I'm
Guessing because you're the only one that actually bothers putting the DC to bed.

Luckily for you it's easily remedied. Spend the next few nights going out for a walk, to the gym, visiting a friend - anything that gets you out of the house, while your fuckwit DH "learns" how to put his own DC to bed.

Catinthecorner · 02/08/2017 02:19

I actually think it's really important for children to learn to go to bed for multiple trusted adults as soon as possible. That way if you do need a night in hospital or worse you aren't adding the stress of never doing bedtime without mum to the situation

perper · 02/08/2017 02:29

I'm going to go rogue here and actually come out in support of DH.

It sounds like he was quite unpleasant in your argument, and that's unfair, but arguments happen and I know from experience that horrid things get said on both sides.

Whilst it's not nice for you to be having a bad week (I sympathise!) I do also think it'd be unfair to say to him (assuming he works full time) that he's not allowed to take half a day of his own holiday in the summer to spend with friends. That seems perfectly reasonable to me. He (presumably) can't pop out for a coffee or a phone chat in the middle of his working day- as a SAHM that is a little different for you (obviously not this week though!) and it is important to recognise the differences in your 'working days'.

If he wasn't pulling his weight the rest of the time I'd think differently, but in this case I think it unreasonable to say to him that he either has to work or stay at home- it seems a little like begrudging him a life because you see his role as being in the office, and that if he's not doing that then he should be doing your role instead.

Hope your week gets easier though!

perper · 02/08/2017 02:34

And I hope I don't come across as too blunt here, but I'm really quite uncomfortable with " I just don't think he should be able to do whatever he likes with his time off "

It's his time off that he earns from his job. I'd expect most of it to be spent as a family, and some of it spent allowing you 'time off', but are you seriously begrudging him one single afternoon of his own holiday?! Not even a full day- an afternoon?!

inkzooka · 02/08/2017 02:35

Under any other circumstances I'd say YABU, but with a sick kid and a toilet training kid in the holidays, he should at least OFFER to give you some time off, even if it means he comes home early.

perper · 02/08/2017 02:38

Jeez, I need to learn to write one post, not millions

If he's not at work, he should be helping out - or at least giving me a break

It just reads very much like you think that you deserve that time off more than him, and that doesn't sit well with me. Why doesn't he deserve a break? Why only you?

(I say this from a viewpoint that both are equal, not that the man of the house wins bread and should be treated as head of the house, in case anyone starts thinking I'm not the staunch feminist that I am...)

supersop60 · 02/08/2017 02:54

perper
The OP has been housebound with DCs since Saturday. I don't think she's saying that her DH can never have time off, it's just that she needs a break, and he's made it quite clear that he doesn't care.
It seems to me that OP's job is 24/7.
Her DH? not so much.

gluteustothemaximus · 02/08/2017 03:01

It's not my fault you can't handle having these kids

Fuck that.

He said some bloody horrible things OP. I'm fuming on your behalf

gluteustothemaximus · 02/08/2017 03:04

Does he really share the load when he's at home? Because someone who does share the load, knows exactly how hard it is looking after children, and wouldn't have said any of those things, and would know just how much you needed a break.

If he insists the children are your 'job' I'd be negotiating sick pay and booking some holiday

perper · 02/08/2017 03:29

It seems to me that OP's job is 24/7.

If that is the case, then so is DH's, because when he comes home he is working equally as hard as her with the children (she says it's 50:50), and he also works at work. Both therefore work 24/7. Both deserve time off- my point is that she is begrudging him his on the assumption that hers is more important.

I suspect the DH hasn't been anywhere but work and home either- is that really so different? His work time is, in general, a lot less flexible than hers. I recognise the difficulties this week, and my response would be very different if she had asked him to take time off to help her and he refused and instead took it off to spend with friends.

In reality, he has chosen to spend some of his holiday time with friends. I'm just uncomfortable with the double standards and the implication that looking after children is so much worse than having a standard full time job.

CleverNever · 02/08/2017 03:49

It sounds like you were both unreasonable. I think it's fine for him to take some time out to be with friends, especially if it's not an every day occurrence. I don't think you should be demanding he spend all non work time at home/doing family stuff. But you should both get time off from worl amd family responsibilities and be able to do whatever you like with it, not just him. And he should also take your feelings seriously about finding being at home tough and needing a break. I also think you really need to work on dc going to sleep for other people. Or go out once they're asleep. If you have friends there's no reason not to have a night out once children are in bed. It won't be the end of the world if a child wakes and you're out for a few hours. If you're too tire for an evening out then try brunch with a friend without children. It really sounds like you need some time without children and with friends. I had two bad sleepers but we found a way to both maintain a social life of our own when they were babies (now a toddler and a school aged child and still keeping independent social lives as well as family time; eg dh went out early in the week with colleagues and I'll be out on Friday with friends).

supersop60 · 02/08/2017 03:52

perper he has chosen to take time off work and ignore OP's needs. I bet she'd love to have even 30 mins off to get out off the house and just have a little walk, or talk to another adult.

SpartacusSaiman · 02/08/2017 06:03

How often does he go out?

It sounds like an awful argument, did you say anything nasty as well?

Imo its really difficult to judge who is bu, tbh.

But his comments were dickish

Whatsername17 · 02/08/2017 06:34

You are a team. Socialising time should be organised at a time when it suits both of you. He's being selfish just to drop his plans on you. In your position I'd be making plans for the entire day on Saturday. Go out and leave him to it. And go back to work if that is what you want to do. I love my kids but choose to work full time left as I love my job. I'm lucky, I'm a teacher so I get the best of both worlds with the holidays. Dh has to step up a heck of a lot more whilst I'm at work than when I'm off though.

Bluntness100 · 02/08/2017 06:43

I also think both parties are due a break, so I don't think it's unreasonable for him to go out, no, Jesus we all need a break, but I do think you need to them agree a time where he takes the kids and you go out.

There is really no point in you both being miserable, so just say fine, I need a break too, when will work.

If you go down the route of he can't go out then it's going to be neither can you, instead, support each other, he can go out, but then you should have your afternoon too.

Bluntness100 · 02/08/2017 06:45

I'd be making plans for the entire day on Saturday

I don't think that's fair. Op, if sat is the chosen day then take the afternoon or evening or morning, you don't need to be punitive and start a war where you get a whole day for his half day.

Genghi · 02/08/2017 06:50

Yabu. So is he. On the one hand - Work in general is a lot less flexible than being a sahp, and on top of that he comes back from work to 50 percent of the housework so he's probably wondering what you do with 50 percent of your time (if you don't tell him what you do, he's probably assuming you sleep or chill out or lunch). On the other hand parenting his kids is a permanent full time job and entirely separate from work - he shouldn't be throwing you being a SAHP in your face.

If you want to go back to work then do it and communicate properly to him about how you see it playing in terms of housework/childcare etc. I think he's probably shitting himself because he thinks his workload will increase as he's doing 50 percent of the housework already and probably doesn't see the childcare you provide.

honeylulu · 02/08/2017 07:08

I don't think he is being that U. He gets limited annual leave and it (and the plans with friends) have probably been booked for a while.
I agree you need downtime too. Start taking a weekend morning or afternoon sometimes to do something you enjoy, without kids.
The timing is a bit awful when you and kids have cabin fever but some weeks are just like that. Get your Saturday "afternoon off" booked in now! His comment about you not being able to handle the kids was rude though - I bet he wouldn't have found it a walk in the park either.

Overall I don't think he has been that bad. Imagine you had arranged to meet a friend for coffee or go shopping with your mum at the weekend and at the last minute he told you he didn't want you to go because he needed a break too after working all week and doing 50% of the house stuff and kids stuff when he's home? I expect you would be pissed off, no?

By all means go back to work if you want to. It certainly saved my sanity! And get others to practice putting your kids to bed!

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