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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That DH is going out tomorrow?

44 replies

Bossybessy · 01/08/2017 23:22

I am a stay at home mum and have had just one of those crappy weeks. It's half term and potty training is happening with one DC, a low-level tummy bug with the other. So we've been completely housebound.

DH tells me he's working in the morning only tomorrow. And he's going out with his friends in the afternoon.

I kick off. If he's not at work, he should be helping out - or at least giving me a break as I am going mental staying home so much.

He said (then denied it and back-tracked) "you don't help me with my job, why should I help you with yours?" (My job being the kids.) He then denied he said that (he did) and insisted that there's nothing wrong with the fact that he's seeing friends in the afternoon rather than helping as he would have been working anyway.

AIBU to be really pissed off? Should he just be able to do what he likes with his time off (that I didn't expect him to have off anyway)?

He says I'm trying to stop him from having a social life and that I'm being a bitch.

I say he's being selfish. He is very hands-on when he's at home, we share the load, but I just don't think he should be able to do whatever he likes with his time off - I can't.

(He also said "it's not my fault if you can't handle having these kids" I absolutely can handle it - just having a shit week! And it's SUMMER HOLIDAYS!)

OP posts:

Passthesalt1 · 02/08/2017 07:16

I literally want to come round your house and punch your dickhead husband for making you feel that way.

Just remember op there are loads of women seething on your behalf.

Hope it gets better.

Sirzy · 02/08/2017 07:24

Sounds like your both stressed and both need a break. Everyone is entitled to one.

Hobbitfeet32 · 02/08/2017 07:34

I think the bigger issue here is why you are not taking any downtime. Life goes on after having children so if you want to socialise or go out then there's no reason why you shouldn't so get something booked in. I would make it a priority that your husband is able to put the children to bed too so that you can get more free time.
I do get it though that you've had a particularly rubbish week, hence why I think it's important that you are able to schedule some alone time too.

OnionKnight · 02/08/2017 07:41

I think you're both being U, if he can't go out then neither can you and pretty soon you'll both get more pissed off.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 02/08/2017 07:46

I think you are both being unreasonable too.

I think if he needs some downtime he should have it.

I think if you need some downtime you should organise to have some. Sit down with him and arrange an afternoon he will look after the kids whilst you go out.

Neutrogena · 02/08/2017 07:46

Did you both want children as much as each other?
I find that if the woman wants them more than the man, then the man can be a rather reluctant father.

Ravenqueen85 · 02/08/2017 08:30

Is it really 50/50 op with you doing every bedtime?

Ravenqueen85 · 02/08/2017 08:31

Is it really 50/50 op with you doing every bedtime?

AnUtterIdiot · 02/08/2017 08:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Bossybessy · 02/08/2017 08:57

Thanks all!

I can see that I was being a little unreasonable expecting him to use all his free time here. I think it's because he just told me about it all last night... and I immediately thought "so I could have had a chance to leave the house tomorrow and now I can't?" Being house-bound drives me mad.

I do want us both to have a life outside of the kids though. It was hard to remember that yesterday!

I think he was feeling guilty about what he said this morning as he got up with the kids at 6 and tidied their toys away.

Still seething about what he said though!

I agree with pps - I need to stop being the only one who can "do" bedtime. And I need to go out myself alone! Even an exercise class would do!

I had the stomach flu a few months ago and- as we have no family nearby- he took the day off to look after the kids. I asked him how it was and he confessed it was harder than he thought and he wouldn't swap roles with me (still had to put the kids to bed mid-stomach flu though!). Felt pretty pleased that at least he got to experience how hard being a SAH parent is! (Not a weekend when there's two, or an evening which only lasts a few hours.) Should have reminded him of that yesterday when he said his "can't handle it" comment!

OP posts:

BlondeB83 · 02/08/2017 09:01

YABU, let him go out. The time is unexpected time off, he deserves a break as much as you do. Have him look after the kids on his own one evening or at the weekend so you can make plans with your friends.

Booboobooboo84 · 02/08/2017 09:04

Oh the poor wee mite he must be exhausted. Of course he should have the afternoon with his friends. While you continue your job raising his children. Ask him when your annual leave starts pmsl. And when he gets home it's your clocking off time so pop out to a friends. Your kids will settle for someone else...eventually. He's their father he can manage bedtime.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 02/08/2017 09:10

I'd have had no issue with him using his half day off for himself. You'd have been at home anyway so no difference.

Given he has to work all day and then comes home and starts again an afternoon with friends isn't a lot to ask. Surely when there are no tummy bugs you can see who you want, go wherever etc as you have no job.

worridmum · 02/08/2017 09:12

Ffs sahp do not have it harder the op says he does 50/50 when he is home so in fact could be working harder then op especially if its a placid baby (not this week though).

With my second was so placid i could take her anywhere so lots of trips to coffee shops walks in parks seeing my friends most days etc

In contrast to my husband 60 hour working week and doing 50/50 when he gets home who in this was working harder and needed a break more?

swingofthings · 02/08/2017 09:14

He was unreasonable to not let you know before. You are unreasonable for thinking that what is doing is wrong just because you are not doing the same.

Have you ever told him that you intend to meet with a friend of Saturday afternoon and expect him to look after the kids when you do?

Ideally, you should both feel free to do that, but courtesy and respect would mean that you both ask whether it is ok assuming the other was not considering making plans on that date too.

Funnyblastard · 02/08/2017 09:15

Nice to see for a change the majority of comments aren't say ltb and actually seem to be sticking up equally for both sides, well done people

I do think yabu...but... I also think in the week you've had maybe a calm talk with him about leaving his friends for the day and you having an afternoon out together, nice meal few drinks, nice walk or a bit shopping might of been a much happier alternative and fairer for both sides (I don't know what your like for gettin babysitters tho). When was the last time you done something as a couple?

Butterymuffin · 02/08/2017 09:16

Get him doing bedtimes asap and 'book' time off for yourself. And plan ahead so next half term he takes a day off to have the kids and you get a day of down time to break the cycle.

caffeinestream · 02/08/2017 09:17

It might be unreasonable but I think I'd be annoyed as well!

I would ask him to either take another half day so you can go and do something on your own, OR tell them that this weekend, you're going to meet YOUR friends for a long lunch and a few drinks so he needs to watch the children.

On a side note, why do you do all the bedtimes? Surely any parent worth their salt can and does put their own children to bed?

Original poster

Bossybessy · 02/08/2017 09:22

We have one very placid child and one very high maintainace child. Veeeery! She wants independence that she doesn't have yet so won't use the buggy, won't sit in the car... a day looking after her is exhausting. Her sister, on the other hand... a very agreeable child.

So a full day with these kids is absolutely shattering. An evening less so for DH, as I am the one who looks after the less placid child (she only ever wants me, which can be a curse and a blessing!). DH just gets to play with very delightful DC1.

(I always cringe when I say that, I hate comparing kids. And they're loved equally. But they're definitely not the same.)

But I take your points: he should also get a break - both our lives are full on. (I should add that I'm pregnant and that's probably clouding stuff right now! Another reason why his "can't handle it" comment was such a blow! And why I've been talking about going back to work - I want to see if we can afford childcare from 9months this time rather than staying home with them all for the three years until nursery.)

OP posts:

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