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Original poster

To be just done. dc constantly fighting, bickering, arguing. I'm done.

33 replies

blubberball · 01/08/2017 17:58

I have depression any way. This I know. I'm on meds and receiving treatment. Dc constant fighting is getting me down. I dread spending time with them now, which makes me feel awful. They're 9 and 5. They're both as bad as each other. He hit me, he pinched me, he told me to shut up, he called me an idiot, I want to sit there, he pushed me.....and on repeat all day every day forever. Days out are ruined, and family holidays are impossible. I'm in a constant cycle, downward spiral of punishment. We're all suffering. We were supposed to be going out to a restaurant to dinner, but fighting in the car has resulted in me turning around, going home and sending them to bed. I'm just drained and exhausted with it. Separately, they're fine. Please help with any suggestions. Feeling crap. :(

OP posts:
Achoopichu · 01/08/2017 18:01

Can only suggest - if they can't play nicely they don't get nice things. If they do play nicely they do get nice things. Worked for mine but they learnt it from day one. You've got to follow through

StormTreader · 01/08/2017 18:01

Just keep giving them consequences like you did with the restaurant - they dont have to love each other right now, but they can at least learn to ignore/tolerate each other.

Pengggwn · 01/08/2017 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LieInRequired · 01/08/2017 18:02

I don't have any suggestions. My two are just the same. I have bought the book Siblings Without Rivalry. I am going to read it over the next few days in the hope that I can then survive the weekend.

gandalf456 · 01/08/2017 18:02

I get days like this. Similar age gap but 13 and 8 and girl and boy

Achoopichu · 01/08/2017 18:03

Sorry youre feeling crap it's really hard work sometimes Flowers.

Are there any nice walks round you to wear them out without spending loads? With picnic/cake as the reward? Waterproofs probably needed!

juneau · 01/08/2017 18:04

Aw OP I feel your pain. Mine are 9 and 6 and they're just as bad. I'm sick to the back teeth of it. This is week 4 of the school holidays and we've got five more to go Shock. I completely lost my shit with them this evening as they started fighting YET AGAIN. The school summer holidays are too bloody long. They're bored and seemingly incapable of amusing themselves unless it involves a screen.

Please pour yourself a drink (if your meds allow it), or if they don't then maybe a bubble bath or some other treat. The holidays will end at some distant point, but every year I dread them. I'm not cut out to be a FT mum. During term-time it's bearable, but the holidays? Arrrggghhhhh!

RandomMess · 01/08/2017 18:04

Siblings without rivalry and don't get involved in conflict solving.

Empathise and describe what you see. Any nastiness you witness you deal with but not tale telling.

Original poster
blubberball · 01/08/2017 18:05

Thanks. We don't have any nice things any more. I did just explain this to them in the car. I didn't shout. I just spoke to them, but I can feel myself going crazy. There's no fun any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
blubberball · 01/08/2017 18:08

I just had a bath too. I've been at work all day, and I'm working again tomorrow. I'm honestly happier and saner (is that even a word) at work. I feel sick with guilt about that obviously.

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 01/08/2017 18:09

Are you single or is their dad involved. If you can make sure you get some time away from them before they grind you down completely, but if they're okay separately make Seperate plans just for one on one outings. It's not just for their benefit, you need some reward from parenting and to remember what it's like to enjoy them.

If you've no support maybe try and arrange some mutually beneficial play dates?

Time together means keeping your expectations very low to avoid disappointment and don't plan anything too extravagant if you can't deal with the dissapointmeny and explain to them exactly why.

Concentrate on containment, wearing them out (contradiction I know but small trips to the local park etc) and survival when you have them together.

MizK · 01/08/2017 18:10

You're not done, it just feels like it. I admire that you turned the car round and sent then to bed when they were being awful. This approach means that at some point soon they will get the message that foul behaviour means no treats.
It's horrible and draining but you are absolutely dealing with it in the right way from the sounds of things and I hope they snap out of it soon.
If they spoil a treat like going for dinner, make sure you get yourself a nice takeaway once they're asleep and put something good on the TV. Make sure you're not always being punished too.
My only suggestion is praise praise praise whenever they deserve it. Keep rewarding the good stuff, however small.

Cornettoninja · 01/08/2017 18:11

Don't feel guilty about work! It is the saving grace of a lot of us! Grin

Achoopichu · 01/08/2017 18:11

You do sound really fed up with it all. Ru with them for the whole holiday?

waitforitfdear · 01/08/2017 18:13

It's hard to judge if they are OTT here as you arnt feeling well Flowers

I would have a family conference and taken to them in a grown up way so set out the new house rules.

Physical fighting results in immediate sending to rooms and no one leaves or gets fed until they apologise to each other. Repeat as nevesssry.

Verbal disagreements are tolerated as long as they are short and don't involve you and if prolonged do step 1.

Keep determined and keep it up. They need to learn.

I was fairly lucky as my 4 got in generally at that age but teenage years they were starting to be like yours so we did the above and it worked.

The kids next door argue constantly and it's a nightmare for us in the garden.

Set your stall out op and they will learn Flowers

Original poster
blubberball · 01/08/2017 18:13

Thank you for your good suggestions. I'm extremely lucky in that I do have support around me, and I often do activities separately with them. I just thought that we'd be able to do things as a family as well. I'm not expecting perfection, but I thought maybe not fighting from morning till night might be nice.

OP posts:
Original poster
blubberball · 01/08/2017 18:16

Thanks waitforitdear. I will try that. I just said to them in the car that there is going to be zero tolerance from now on. I'm not even sure what I meant by that, but I said it, so I need to do more.

OP posts:
papayasareyum · 01/08/2017 18:48

no advice, just lots of sympathy cos my three have been similar and it's absolutely draining and depressing

Original poster
blubberball · 01/08/2017 23:59

It is. I struggle to drive with them in the car now. I make them sit in silence, or turn the music up loud to drown out the bickering. I feel like we're going to have a crash, because I struggle to concentrate.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 02/08/2017 11:44

I wonder if sitting down with them and saying "the rules for behaviour in the car are going to change from now. I expect both of you to leave each other alone in the car and be quiet. If I think you are not behaving acceptably, youll get one warning from me. If you dont listen to that warning, I'll turn the car around and there will be consequences once we get home. You are both old enough to sit nicely."

It'll take quite a few "RIGHT, you know what happens now, you were warned" I expect, but you cant be driving and feeling unsafe with them in the car, its dangerous.

Original poster
blubberball · 02/08/2017 11:46

Cheers Storm. I will try again later.

OP posts:
CheckpointCharlie2 · 02/08/2017 11:49

Mine are the same. Two dds aged 8 and 14. I can't find anything that suits them both so then14 year old ends up on YouTube most of the time which is pretty depressing. (She does play sport which we go and watch a couple of days a week which is good as little dd whiffs about with other kids and we get to sit and watch).

I used to bribe them with a pound a day every day they are nice to each other which worked in the past. I felt like I should not have to though but needs must. The only other thing that works is our Glee box Set!

randomer · 02/08/2017 11:51

Awful. Can you put one of them or both in a holiday club. Sometimes if I had an extra child round it seemed better. Depression magnifies all this shit

YellowLawn · 02/08/2017 11:54

my dc get like that.
I take them out for a run or let them do 'chores'
we dyed cotton bags yesterday. was great fun (but messy) and rewarding.

Notevilstepmother · 02/08/2017 11:59

www.loveandlogic.com/articles-advice/why-siblings-fight-and-what-to-do-about-it

Interesting article.

Personally I'd stop the car (if it's safe to do so) every single time they argue. It's tedious and annoying but they will get the message.

You may need to practice acting calm on the outside when you don't feel it on the inside.

The cracked record technique is useful too. Instead of getting drawn into the argument, just repeat the rule over an over until they get bored into compliance.

E.g. "I've stopped the car because I can't drive safely with the arguments going on."

"I'm not discussing this now, I can't drive safely with arguments going on".

If you have to, get out of the car and leave them in the car for a few minutes. Use your energy to keep yourself calm and ignore them.

It's hard but you can do this. Brew Cake

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