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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is fucking rude?

46 replies

DragonsandDungeons · 01/08/2017 08:18

I'm going to my EPU today because of positive pregnancy tests after a miscarriage. They're checking for retained tissue or a new pregnancy.

I told my mum because I asked her to look after my son. She said "so it's retained tissue? You'll need a D&C" I told her it's likely but it could also be a new pregnancy and they want to know which. She then said "not being funny, but it didn't take you two long did it? Why would you have sex straight after a miscarriage?" Wtf?!

I'm still annoyed by that comment. She doesn't think it was unacceptable to say either.

OP posts:
JungleInTheRumble · 01/08/2017 08:21

Flowers sorry for your miscarriage and I hope you get some good news today.

Your DM's comment was very insensitive and rude.

monkeysox · 01/08/2017 08:23

If your mum can't be honest (and said it in a slightly joking way) then no one can.

There's no rights or wrong about when you feel ready for sex. Everyone is different. Just like after you've had a baby some people jump right back in the saddle but others never want to again.

Cut her some slack she was probably trying to lighten the mood?
Hope goes well Flowers

Laiste · 01/08/2017 08:24
Flowers

Yes, bloody rude. I bet she wouldn't have said that to a friend.

or maybe she would? does she have any friends?

What did you say?

Original poster
DragonsandDungeons · 01/08/2017 08:26

It wasn't lighthearted. I have a very turbulent relationship with my mother. We either get on very well or argue intensely. If it'd been a joke, I wouldn't have minded that much.

OP posts:
greendale17 · 01/08/2017 08:26

It is rude, but to be honest you can't her for thinking that? I imagine most people would think that too

Original poster
DragonsandDungeons · 01/08/2017 08:27

I said I wasn't aware we needed anyone's permission to have sex. She then said "isn't it still gross with bleeding?"

I have no idea why she wanted to know this.

OP posts:
Laiste · 01/08/2017 08:29

Asking 'why did you had sex so soon after a MC?' isn't ''being honest''. I don't know what it is but it's not nice. OP didn't say it was said in a jokey way at all!

Steeley113 · 01/08/2017 08:29

I'm sorry for you loss. I've had a very recent loss too and had sex when my bleeding stopped 4 days post d&c. I needed to feel close to my husband. It wasn't rampant hanging from the chandelier sex! Some people are so rude!

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 01/08/2017 08:29

Flowers so sorry. Hope you're ok today

Is your dm always so insensitive? Or was she needling you? Either way I'm sorry. Not what you need at all. Flowers

TriskelArts · 01/08/2017 08:29

When someone begins a sentence with 'I'm not being funny, but ....', it's a convenient early alert for the fact that what follows is going to be pig-ignorant. See also its cousin, 'I'm not being racist, but...'

Laiste · 01/08/2017 08:30

x posted.

Original poster
DragonsandDungeons · 01/08/2017 08:31

Sometimes she is, other times she's lovely.

We have a sort of sisterly relationship. Or more like friends. But yeah sometimes she's extremely rude. She'll say I overreact though. Hmm

OP posts:
Laiste · 01/08/2017 08:32

She then said "isn't it still gross with bleeding?"

Cricky Hmm

What did you say OP? I'd have had to have told her to mind her own business. What a thing to ask! Does she talk to anyone else like this?

Oneggshellsallthetime · 01/08/2017 08:33

Nope, you are not unreasonable. That is one thought that should have stayed in her head. The 'not being funny' element of her comment says to me that she knew it really wasn't necessary or needed or likely to be appreciated. I wish you well for today and that the outcome is the one you hope for.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 01/08/2017 08:33

It was really rude, and so is the comment above saying 'most people' would think that. I got pregnant again straight after a miscarriage twice - if anything my sadness made me want to be closer to my partner. I wanted cuddles, but I also wanted sex. I also desperately wanted to be pregnant again. I don't think any of those reactions are unusual or weird, though obviously they're not universal.

The only thing I'd say in very slight defence of your mum is that when she was having her children the standard medical advice was to wait three-six months after a miscarriage to conceive again. They've now realised that was completely wrong because it has no physical advantages and most people would rather be pregnant again sooner than that, but she may think you've ignored medical advice. Some people still think it - I've seen people on here say you're more likely to miscarry again if you fall 'too soon', which is just an old wives' tale. Possibly that may have lay behind her comment, though from what you say it sounds like it was just a more generally nasty comment.

Flowers for you - hope you get good news at the scan.

Laiste · 01/08/2017 08:34

Ah see that's where we differ. My own DM is nothing like a sister or a friend. I can't talk to her about anything personal and never have been able to.

My own adult daughters are like my friends, but i still wouldn't just spill whatever came into my head in case it was hurtful.

Ilovecoleslaw · 01/08/2017 08:35

How rude!!! Me and DH had sex within a few days after a miscarriage, we needed to re-connect and feel closer to each other.
Sorry for your loss op Flowers

Original poster
DragonsandDungeons · 01/08/2017 08:37

Laiste I told her my sex life was nothing to do with her.

Yeah that's what I think too, she knew it was really unnecessary. She always does this, makes it clear when she disapproves of things.

OP posts:
chestylarue52 · 01/08/2017 08:38

It is rude, but to be honest you can't her for thinking that? I imagine most people would think that too

What a horrible thing to say, I don't think most people would think that at all. Besides just because you think something doesn't mean you have to say it!

Original poster
DragonsandDungeons · 01/08/2017 08:39

Yeah that's how I feel. I was desperate for reassurance DP didn't see me as some sort of defective broken person, plus I wanted to get back to normal quickly. I don't do sadness. I never have. I'm prone to depression and if I sit thinking about it, it triggers me. I'd rather just get back to normal.

I don't see why any of this makes me weird or gross like she thinks

OP posts:
ShesAStar · 01/08/2017 08:42

It's very rude and very intrusive. My mother is similar, I tell her nothing that's personal to me, she always oversteps the mark. Sorry for your miscarriage.

Bisquick · 01/08/2017 08:59

YANBU. Hope you get good news at your appt today!

I will say though, people do sometimes blurt out what they think. I was pregnant about 9 weeks post partum (had a loss at term) and a medical professional who knew the full story made a casual comment about how great it was that we were back to having sex, since most people don't manage it that soon. Why yes, because most people have a nine week old infant at that point while we didn't.

EdmundCleverClogs · 01/08/2017 09:07

I imagine most judgemental twats would think that too

Fixed that for you.

AlpacasPackOwls · 01/08/2017 09:08

As there is a history between you, yes it was rude. I wouldn't bat an eyelid if my mum said it but we have a different relationship than you and your mum (obviously! I'm not you!).

Perhaps she was worried about infection? I was told not to have sex until the bleeding stopped to prevent a chance of infection so as she mentioned the bleeding maybe she was worried about that?

EdmundCleverClogs · 01/08/2017 09:09

Bold fail!

Your mother was rude, OP. A miscarriage is one of the most difficult things a couple can go through, it's easy to lose each other amongst the emotional pain and (for you) the physical side of the loss. How you find comfort in each other after is absolutely no one's business. Best of luck this afternoon Flowers.