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Original poster

Family party- stealing my thunder!

79 replies

popalittlepancakeintothepan · 31/07/2017 21:06

Ok, I'm not seething angry, so please don't tell me I'm being ridiculous. I'm just a little surprised at this really!

I've arranged a family party for two family members' birthdays soon. Everyone was notified via FB yesterday. This evening, SIL has arranged a family party for the DAY BEFORE ours. It's not for a particular event, so could be done at a later date. My party, however, needs to roughly coincide with the birthdays, plus we're a bit restricted with dates due to bday boy working and not being able to take time off at weekends.

I was tempted to say I couldn't attend her party as I'll be busy preparing for my bloody party the very next day! I won't, I will pop in for a bit, but I do feel there's something a bit off here.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/08/2017 04:54

Hmmmm.
Given her past form, I would worry that she's actually going to turn it into a "Surprise" birthday party for your DH and DS.
Honestly.
She has issues, and yes, jealousy seems to be one of them.
But I think I would take this particular bull by the horns and talk to your brother about it. In fact, I think you have to really, because it's really "not on" for her to potentially fuck up your DH's and DS's party as people probably won't want/be able to attend both.

Very bad manners on her part.

Talk to your brother though.

JungleInTheRumble · 01/08/2017 05:25

Don't go to hers and hold yours as planned.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/08/2017 05:42

She sounds jealous and insecure. Just remember her life must be a living hell to be in constant competititon with you. I take it your brother is just letting it happen 🙄.

troodiedoo · 01/08/2017 05:50

Give proper invitations for yours. Many people see a fb confirmation of attendance as non binding and optional.

MimiSunshine · 01/08/2017 05:56

Honestly, just don't go. She knows you have the birthday party the next day, just say you and your family won't be able to attend as you need to prep for it,with a tinkly laugh and "I'm sure you know what I mean, Thursday night will be your mad prep night won't it?" Or whatever day is before her party.

Don't be rude but dont give it air time, it seems like she's insecure about her status in the family, especially if her and your brother have been broken up for a while until recently and they're not married (not that it really matters but she may feel 'illegitimate' IYKWIM?) so she tries to be a centre point to keep her firmly in the family and the way she does this is to be the mini matriarch/ event holder

Don't bow down to it anymore, any future events you won't to host and she wants to take over I.e. Christmas just treat as if she's offering you a favour and smile but say 'oh thanks for the offer but no, I'm really looking forward to hosting it'.

And whatever you do don't tell her your plans until the family are all told together so she can't pip you to the post

cheesypastatonight · 01/08/2017 05:57

what's the reason for hers? Yours is an obvious thing, birthdays of your son and dh, what is her reason?

kateandme · 01/08/2017 05:58

do you think its from a sinister point of view.
or could she be doing yes the wrong thing but its because shes so insecure in herself so is trying to prove herself.
if she is jealous of you and wants to feel good enough this could come across as your seeing it trying to outdo you when in her mind maybe she just wants to feel good enough
if she is doing it to be better than though then that is wrong.
only you no what point of view she doing it from.
could you talk to her.be honest with her.have an actual convo.

Groupie123 · 01/08/2017 06:54

It seems like she's going to steal your thunder about the birthdays. You have 2 choices - let her and then the next day host a party that so far outshadows hers she never does this again, or raise it now and have a go at her. I think you need to raise it and make it clear she's stepping out of line - have a fight if you have to but she has it coming.

Holidayhooray · 01/08/2017 06:58

She probably has that date on her mind all along.

Odd you didn't check with close family whether or not they could come first. That's what we do. Everyone else gets invites but doscussion before with close family to ensure all can make.

Sconesnotscones · 01/08/2017 07:31

Migraleve: I'm not sure I see the problem?

I am probably a bit anti-social (but so are plenty of people I know), but it would be close to my idea of hell to have to go to parties on successive days, with the same people. I don't think I could do it, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

innagazing · 01/08/2017 07:39

It's a batshit idea of Dsis in law to have her party the day before yours, and it's also rude, mean, and a nasty thing to do.
Talk to your brother about it- surely he can see it's not her finest moment?
I second the sending of proper invitations. I wouldn't want to go to her party - partly on principal so as not to support her meanness, but also due to all the prepping for your own party. Hope you have a ball! Now, there's a thought...

Failbydefault · 01/08/2017 07:49

If the notification about your party was only via Facebook the day before she announced her party are you sure she saw it? Perhaps she doesn't check FB every day? I may be clutching at straws, but it seems an odd way to announce a family party. I am old though!!

vikingprincess81 · 01/08/2017 07:52

At one of my dc's christening get togethers (small family meal and drinks at MIL's) my SIL called to 'announce' her dc had started walking that day - some people can't stand not having the 'spotlight' on them for even a few hours - it's pathetic but there we have it! Wink
Just enjoy your party OP Flowers

RJnomore1 · 01/08/2017 07:57

See id justcsay oh I'm so sorry obviously we won't be able to come as we are really busy getting ready for the birthday party the next day, hope you have a fab time though.

And yes it's extremely odd.

Roseformeplease · 01/08/2017 08:21

My sister tried to high jack my wedding reception and turn it into a birthday party for her new boyfriend. She even rang asking me to source the cake.

His birthday was 8 days before the wedding.

Original poster
popalittlepancakeintothepan · 01/08/2017 08:43

Thanks for all the advice. I have told her I can't go, not because I'm annoyed, but simply because I will actually have a lot to do the day before!

OP posts:
2rebecca · 01/08/2017 09:24

I agree that she may not have seen the facebook post. I don't look at my feed much and mainly look at notifications. You mention elderly relatives do they really all look at facebook that avidly? If i was having a family party I'd phone the main people I wanted to come first and send out proper invites. If she has form for this I'd definitely do this.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 01/08/2017 09:32

Unless your hubby or son is at a milestone age I'd find it weird having a birthday party, they are usually for small children with their friends.

An informal gathering like she is doing for no reason is what most adults do.

I'd just attend both and think it was nice to have lots of plans.

She has just as much right to invite people round as you do. You both sound attention seeking if the two of you are always the hosts.

schoolgaterebel · 01/08/2017 10:20

You really should say something to her, she obviously has form for this sort of thing and will continue to behave like this unless you put her in her place.

Or you need to make your party so unbelievable amazing and upstage her, and also you need to put 'dibs' on Christmas now so she doesn't muscle her way in again!

2rebecca · 01/08/2017 13:09

Just because someone wants to do Christmas lunch at their house it doesn't mean you have to go. You could just do your own thing and decline the invite which i often did when the kids were small.

Original poster
popalittlepancakeintothepan · 01/08/2017 13:58

She did see the FB post. She messaged me saying it was in the diary and they'd be attending.

OP posts:
Original poster
popalittlepancakeintothepan · 01/08/2017 14:00

Rainbows and unicorns

It's not strange to have a party for a birthday. In fact it's pretty normal. Regardless if it's a milestone- even though it actually is this year.

And no, I'm never hosting things. That's the point!!!! I'd like to have an opportunity to host for once in my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
popalittlepancakeintothepan · 01/08/2017 14:03

2rebecca.

I contacted elderly relatives/anyone not on FB separately. Not that that makes any difference and is completely irrelevant to the issue. Not sure why you've brought that up.

OP posts:
crumpet · 01/08/2017 14:04

Are all the attendees the same? If so another option could be to send a note to cancel yours (on the basis that there is already on a party on the previous day), spend the time and money you would have spent arranging things on doing something nice for yourself instead, and simply roll up, relax and enjoy the party where all the legwork has been done by someone else!

crumpet · 01/08/2017 14:05

Oh - crossed posted your message about organising something yourself!

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