6 year old too lazy to go to the toilet

[doodledoodudu]

Hi, I have a lovely bright 6 year old boy who is perfect in most every way, but he is a lazy so and so. We have had problems with him not going to the toilet when he needs to go before but over the last two weeks it has happened 4/5 times. He cannot understand that he needs to use the toilet before he ends up shitting himself (weeing isnt a problem) and it is purely down to being lazy. This tends to happen when he is playing with friends and doesn't want to miss out on it just to go to the freaking toilet. I am really struggling to cope with this as it makes me sick and I can't throw up in the toilet when I find out because I force him onto it to see if he still needs to go and secondly because it makes me so incredibly frustrated I end up not being able to even look at him as this has been going on too long. He tries to hide it and pretend it didn't happen but it is always very obvious with the scent and I'm worried about this happening when I am not there to rescue the situation (school etc) as this has been the case before. I am struggling to discipline now as removing iPad/lego/treats from him clearly isn't getting the message across or making him learn that he cannot live like this. All I want to do is scream at him and tell him he will be known forever as a shit machine. I feel like I'm at a dead end. Any advice is welcome x

The only thing that worked for me (was 6 too) was to be calm and say in a boring way, 'you know what to do'. Ds would then clean up, change clothes, put them in washer (or garbage) with as little help as I could and I would never mention it again. Staying calm as was hardest thing I've ever done in my life but it was the only thing that worked.

My DS went through a phase like this, used a reward chart and it worked quite quickly. Failing that, you could try insisting that he sits on the toilet every hour for a few minutes, to see if he needs to go. The inconvenience of that might prod him to take responsibility for himself. Good luck!

Is he def not constipated and he's having overflow?

Same as above are you sure this is so meting he cannot help? If you have ruled out leakage I'd say just give it as little attention as possible throw the clothes away and say they won't be replaced. And that he must clean up.

I have seen a similar thread on here where someone suggested them having to wash the dirty pants with a bucket of water themselves. I am open to this idea as it might show him the consequences of his actions. On the other hand I think it's a bit cruel!

How about setting a morning routine. Sit him in the loo for a poo and he will get into the habit each day. That's what we do. Works a treat. Then the rest of his day can be care free.

Are you sure he's not constipated?

He's 6, surely the idea his friends might think he's dirty should be enough?

Thanks for the replies, no I don't think he's constipated, he goes the the toilet fairly regularly with no issue, I can just see a pattern of it being after a situation he's been enjoying himself in and alas not wanting the inconvenience of going to the loo. I'm worried as he has some friends that are a couple of years older and I would hate for them to be mean about it.

Groupie, I would like to thing that but it seems he does not

Thing think**

He's six so shouldn't be doing this as you know, I'd make him clean it up inc his clothes and underwear, it's being cruel to be kind. He will get bullied if he doesn't stop and it's a reputation that will be hard to lose. No involvement from you, stay calm, he cleans it all up himself and if he doesn't do it right he does it again. He will soon stop.

You're going about this completely the wrong way. Stop over reacting. You're being such a drama queen and making the situation worse.

It may not be laziness - my DS6 is currently on an ongoing course of movicol to ease constipation that has been causing overflow and accidents. Previously he was great at going to the loo, no problems etc, and then on and off we've had spells where he has soiled himself several times a day, and said he's not been aware of needing to go. Thankfully after nearly 3 months of movicol, we seem to be getting somewhere, and he has been clean (bar one minor accident) for a week now.

At first I was a bit baffled by the idea of constipation causing soiling, my thoughts being that constipation = bunged up and not able to go at all, however GP and further reading on the subject explained it in more detail, and it made sense. Have a look on www.eric.org.uk for more info.

We've also come to the conclusion that some of it may be diet related - highly processed, fatty foods seem to cause issues for him too. It's been a long road, and it may not be over yet, and yes it's very hard and frustrating to deal with it as the parent too, but please do consider whether it may be something other than laziness - constipation in children is surprisingly common but not often talked about.

My 5 year old is like this but for wees! He will dance and dance saying he doesn't need a wee because he doesn't want to stop a game or come in from playing. I've tried positive reinforcement but tbh I'm so done with it now I just ban the activity he's doing. If he wets himself using the wii he doesn't get it for so many days. If he wets himself playing in the garden he doesn't get to go out there the next day etc.

It's so annoying when they swear they don't want a wee but then dash to the loo with wet patches. I am actually annoyed to hell with it now so our punishment approach isn't working much.

Oh and my DS was still going to the toilet regularly for 'normal' pooing, in addition to the soiling. I thought it was laziness to begin with - too busy with his friends/game/brothers etc.

Rubarb what a silly & pointless comment. Get off the thread and get a life

Thank you frazzled, it's helpful to know that everything can be "normal" but still have an underlying issue. Time to do some research on healthy looking poo.

my 5yo does this with wee's, I'm a bit Sargent major as soon as I spot the wee dance and very deadpan say "toilet now or.... suitable punishment"
I'd be very cross if it was poo through so I think either making him wait until you change him or washing clothes himself, your not being cruel, 6 is old enough and it's not nice for you, or him if his friends find out.

Echoing what others have said- it MIGHT be constipation, look into it- in little children it can present very much like this. Please don't start making a six year old wash shitty clothes in a bucket of water before exploring whether he has an actual issue. Parents often say oh my child can't be constipated, he goes every day and eats lots of fruit and veg! Neither of these are true- ask any parent of a chronically constipated child. Why do you think he's just being 'lazy'? Most children don't actually enjoy pooing themselves!

It's hard. I'd let him get on with cleaning himself ( I wouldn't go as far as making him clean his clothes but have him bag then up and wash himself down and get changed) and point out that he will be away from his friends or activities far longer when taking the time to clean himself, rather than having just run to the toilet. Leave it at that. Don't rise. I know it's fucking infuriating, I get it

Inspace, thanks, I'm going to do some research on it. I feel like it's because he's lazy as it is always when he doesn't want to inconvenience himself by going to the loo, e.g. If he's playing or something. He's told me himself the reason he didn't go to the toilet is because he forgets, and he tends to "forget" things if he just doesn't want to do them

The Eric website has loads of information on it, and links to other stuff like the 'Bristol Stool Chart' (it's amazing how much random knowledge I now have that I didn't think I needed!)

I fully appreciate your frustration with it all, for a good while I was at the end of my tether with him, getting cross etc, but then as I realised it did involve some medical issues, and understood more about it, I was able to take a step back from it a bit and find better ways to handle it e.g. we've had sticker charts that earn points for him telling me he has dirty pants, him telling me he needs to go to the loo, him going for a 'toilet stop' without complaining when I ask him to, and sitting there for a good few minutes. We make a point of going to the loo about 20-30 mins after food, I've upped the fibre in his diet, made sure he's drinking more fluids and so on. I was also recommended 'Dry Like Me' pads, they're toilet training pads that stick in his underwear, meaning that any accidents are more contained and easier to deal with. He's also taken responsibility for things on this - he'll put the pad in his pants in the morning, and on the two occasions he's had a more major accident in school, he's changed himself, bagged up the dirty stuff and cleaned himself up (all necessary supplies in his school bag, and supportive staff who were made aware of the situation and what it meant). I was actually rather proud of him when he came out of school one day and told me straight up that he'd had an accident but sorted it himself!

My 6 year old foster son had this issue. With hindsight I can totally understand it as he'd been having problems at school and for a while (before the issue started) it had been unclear if he'd be moving on from us (he'd been with us a year by then so the thought was quite scary to him), so the poor thing must have been in emotional turmoil and this was how it manifested. But dealing with it at the time was tough! He was soiling every day. If he did it at school they didn't seem to notice so he came home stinking. He just didn't seem bothered.

What fixed it for us was, on the first day of the summer holidays we went shopping and let him choose some pants. We made it clear that if he soiled them they'd go straight in the bin.

We only had to do it once and that was actually his swimming trunks after he'd been having too much fun in the Princess Diana Memorial Playground and left it too late. I took him in the disabled toilets to clean up and left his trunks in the bin there. He loved those trunks (I did feel a bit mean to be honest) and 2 years later he's never soiled again.

If you are sure it's because he can't be bothered I'd take him (kindly) to the toilet and make him sit there for 5minutes (get a timer) every hour.

The hassle might make him think about taking responsibility for himself a bit more carefully.