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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

6 year old too lazy to go to the toilet

50 replies

doodledoodudu · 31/07/2017 20:33

Hi, I have a lovely bright 6 year old boy who is perfect in most every way, but he is a lazy so and so. We have had problems with him not going to the toilet when he needs to go before but over the last two weeks it has happened 4/5 times. He cannot understand that he needs to use the toilet before he ends up shitting himself (weeing isnt a problem) and it is purely down to being lazy. This tends to happen when he is playing with friends and doesn't want to miss out on it just to go to the freaking toilet. I am really struggling to cope with this as it makes me sick and I can't throw up in the toilet when I find out because I force him onto it to see if he still needs to go and secondly because it makes me so incredibly frustrated I end up not being able to even look at him as this has been going on too long. He tries to hide it and pretend it didn't happen but it is always very obvious with the scent and I'm worried about this happening when I am not there to rescue the situation (school etc) as this has been the case before. I am struggling to discipline now as removing iPad/lego/treats from him clearly isn't getting the message across or making him learn that he cannot live like this. All I want to do is scream at him and tell him he will be known forever as a shit machine. I feel like I'm at a dead end. Any advice is welcome x

OP posts:

Imbeingunreasonable · 31/07/2017 21:19

This is my 4 year old all over. Sporadic as to whether he will use the toilet to poo it not. More often than not he just shits himself. He starts school soon so it does worry me. My doctor prescribed movicol as I suspected constipation but ds refuses to drink it. He's only ever somewhat got the hang of toilet training for doing a poop (wees are fine) and it's so hit and miss I can never predict when he's going to use the loo or not. Does my head in after a couple of years of potty training

Imbeingunreasonable · 31/07/2017 21:20

And I have made him wash his undies in the sink before but it has very little effect.

Rhubarbtart9 · 31/07/2017 21:32

No I won't. I've had two children who have done this and your behaviour is the opposite to what it it should be.

meladeso · 31/07/2017 21:33

reading with interest
my almost 5yo DS is also like this
i am 99% certain it is utter laziness, it always relates to playing / friends when he just cannot bear to interrupt play.
it gets me SO cross. i've tried getting cross, threatening, "punishing" etc. and unsurprisingly it hasn't worked.
i've tried calm and casual, and that doesn't seem to work either.
it's awful and i'm fed up too.

ChunkyPunky · 31/07/2017 21:38

This was the first symptom of DS having a really serious medical condition. We put it down to laziness, not wanting to come in to use the loo whilst having fun etc. We could not get through to him. He soiled himself regularly and we just couldn't understand it. Without wanting to terrify anyone he had a brain tumour and the tumour was disrupting the 'must go and poo' signals. He couldn't tell when he needed a poo. Never a problem with having a wee though.

Yes they are rare but please keep an eye on your DC. If they are waking with a headache, become suddenly clumsy and start vomiting for no reason please, please, please go to your GP as a matter of urgency.

I've no doubt that toileting issues like this are pretty common but I just want to flag up our experiences to raise awareness. DS is fine now, he was treated successfully. He'll be 30 this year thanks to the brilliant care he received.

WombOfOnesOwn · 31/07/2017 21:38

Lazy? No, just excited about socializing and too busy to take a rest. I think it may be time to actually practice stopping doing something fun, then starting again after a 5 minute break, so he can see that your fun won't come to an end just because you need a trip to the toilet.

2coldinscotland · 31/07/2017 21:41

Please don't make him wash out his dirty underwear 6 is too young for that. Although he has been using toilet for a few years I think he is still learning. My son was the same. you're right he probably is lazy but not in an adult sense of being lazy, he just would rather he didn't have to go. Try not to lose your temper, he will eventually just go when he needs to. I had to say to my son's teacher that I was concerned but he was fine and one day I realised his pants were no longer dirty. Best wishes OP.

colacolaaddict · 31/07/2017 21:44

Inspace puts it well. Regular or sloppy poo can be a result of constipation and whether it's that or not, regular soiling can mess up normal sensations. He obviously is getting the signals, but they may not be as urgent or obvious as those other children get.

Getting cleaned up after soiling yourself is grim. I can't imagine many people would choose that over using a loo, however lazy they are.

We managed poos effectively for quite a long time by putting DC on the loo 20 mins after meals for a few mins. Google gastrocolic reflex. Picking at snacks and spaced out sips of drinks make it trickier. We found dribs and drabs going in equals dribs and drabs going out - though that was more about wees than poos.

knaffedoff · 31/07/2017 21:48

My ds 2 got into a lovely habit of waiting too long, it became more frequent and whilst I tried to be understanding, it was really frustrating. It only stopped as we made him responsible for washing the undies, no fuss, no recriminations just getting involved in cleaning up his own mess, in the same way I expect him to tidy away his toys. He was 6 at the time and had been fully potty trained for 2 yrs!

StarryCorpulentCunt · 31/07/2017 21:50

If it truly is laziness and you are sure of that then make him clean it up. He has to take off his clothes, scrape the poo into the toilet, rinse them out, put them in the machine and then go and clean the floor before going and having a shower to clean himself. Even if friends are there. You direct but do not help. Make it a real pain in the arse for him. I might even go as far as making him get the clothes out when the machine finishes and hang them up himself. It has to be more inconvenient to soil himself than it is to go to the toilet.

ChunkyPunky · 31/07/2017 21:55

Oh and DS was 7. He'd been totally toiled trained and clean until this started, which is what made us so confused. He also told us that he forgot that he needed the toilet as he couldn't articulate that he didn't know he needed a poo.

And seriously, making young children wash their pants as a punishment or to help them learn? Dear God, I'm so glad I didn't ever contemplate or do that. How fucking guilty would I feel now, knowing it wasn't a choice he made??

RiversDisguise · 31/07/2017 22:00

One of mine started do this when they were 6/7. Just react as little as possible. It is fine and he will stop soon.

RiversDisguise · 31/07/2017 22:02

Chunky, I know. Punishing kids for toilet accident. Ffs.

Original poster

doodledoodudu · 31/07/2017 22:09

Rhubarb Everyone's situation is different so please don't assume otherwise :)

OP posts:

Original poster

doodledoodudu · 31/07/2017 22:12

Thank you for the responses, they've been very helpful!

OP posts:

HeyRoly · 31/07/2017 22:17

Although I accept that laziness is really plausible, and he is putting off visiting the toilet because he can't be bothered, it's worth considering it could be encopresis.

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/encopresis/Pages/Introduction.aspx

If he's regularly withholding poo successfully, then he could well be very backed up with poo. It's possible to have a bowel movement every day and still be constipated. It might be worth a visit to the GP to have a feel of his tummy, because that will tell you whether his gut is chronically backed up or not.

GirlOnATrainToShite · 31/07/2017 22:18

My now (completely dry!) 19 yr old son did this until he was about fucking 12

Turned out it was Encopresis.

Google it.

SnowiestMountain · 31/07/2017 22:21

My immediate thought when I read this was encopresis, I'd definitely explore every other possibility before putting it down to laziness, there might be more to it than it first seems

geekone · 31/07/2017 22:29

Hi my DS now 7 has always hated pooing and he had bad constipation with leaking and some little bits of poo (generally when he was happy and relaxed) this went on from 18 months in nappies until 4.5. I was at the end of my tether, I tried everything. Eventually we introduced "poo o'clock" just after dinner every night giving him a reward (sticker/toy) for a run of 7 days pooing or something like that. He is fine now and generally goes on his own but he still doesn't like it and so we have to remind him on occasion. Don't worry there are not many adults who poo themselves it will work out in the end

knaffedoff · 31/07/2017 22:39

chunkypunky washing soiled pants is not a punishment, it's a chore that needed doing!

sorryho0p · 31/07/2017 22:39

Agree completely with rhubarb

My ten year old can be like this. Yes, TEN! I deal with it kindly and without fuss and gradually he's improved and we are almost there now. Not quite but almost. And he's neuro typical. He can't explain why he does it but as I know he doesn't relish being smelly I understand it's not something he can help - we've worked on it together

I've got an older child too and I've not had to help her with any self care since she was about 5... so it's just how my son is

Don't think Up punishments for your son. Deal with it calmly and kindly and with any luck you won't be dealing with a 10 year old with issues! (Not that it bothers me - we crack on and we are getting there )

Chill

CoCoCoconut · 31/07/2017 22:48

Sounds very much like encopresis. He may be in a cycle he can't get out of without help (emptying out with stool softeners), and doesnt feel it coming until it's too late. It's extremely common at 5, 6, and 7, amd most of the things you'll read about it will say "this often looks like laziness or unwillingness to interrupt play, but it isn't in the child's control."

icelollycraving · 01/08/2017 06:37

Ds has had difficulties with constipation and wetting. No medical reason as such, some can be dietary related.
I cannot imagine asking him to scrub pants etc. He gets embarrassed enough, I'm certainly not going to humiliate the kid for an accident. The more he thought he would get into trouble or I'd say I was disappointed,the more it happened. When I was just matter of fact and kind,it's happened far far less.
I equate it to my period leaking onto knickers. A bit of a pain but not done to inconvenience someone else. Be kind.

Jenny70 · 01/08/2017 06:45

Before you start any behaviour management, you need to get him checked for constipation/bowel stretching... you won't know until you get a GP to feel and/or scan. It isn't obvious from the bowel habits, other than this leakage.

If it is constipation/leakage, they don't feel it coming, they don't ignore the signs, there are no signs - the sensation is gone. Then denial starts and they refuse to acknowledge they've done it, despite the smell and obvious signs.

My nephew has this (my relatives thought he was defiant/lazy) and his specialist said it can lead to diet issues (they feel full/bloated) and poor behaviour.

At 6, it really isn't normal behaviour, and if it isn't medically caused - to suggest it is deliberate/lazy really requires professional help to overcome.

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 01/08/2017 06:47

DS2 (5) wears Dry Nites in bed, if he's awake early and stays in his room he uses them like a nappy for wees and poos. It's become a race to wake up before him and tell him to take them off.

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