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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish my MIL was a bit less morbid?

56 replies

mittenXL5 · 31/07/2017 20:04

To start with: my MIL is lovely, we get on really well, her two grandsons love her to pieces and she's generally fab. Not a MIL-bashing thread!

However. She spends a lot of time talking about people she knows who are very ill/dying. This doesn't even have to be anyone she's close to, in fact usually it isn't. (The last two were her sister-in-law's cousin and the daughter of someone who used to be DH's teacher.) She wants to talk and talk and TALK about it. She will phone up or turn up, ask about the DSs for a few minutes, then say "Ooooh, did I tell you the latest on Emma's neighbour's dad? Well, they're saying the cancer's spread to his bones..." and we get a full detailed update on EVERYTHING.

I think she is genuinely upset about these people. She has also lost a few friends and family over the past years and I suppose in some sense she's working through it? And like I say she is genuinely lovely, it's just once she gets on to the Terminal Illness Latest Roundup it's like she can't bloody stop.

I am starting to find this upsetting myself. I'm going through some stressful stuff at the moment, including parent who is ill but undiagnosed. I really don't want to hear stories about somebody else who is just a shell of their former selves and it's so sad. I don't want to hear MIL talking about why it makes no sense to believe in God when such awful things happen in the world, when my religious faith is what's got me through my own awful times Sad

She also talks about her own death (in quite a matter of fact way, but still a lot). She goes to lots of funerals of anyone she tangentially knows who has died - she says she needs to go to show her support, which I am sure is well intended but is probably not helping her be less doom-and-gloom.

Hints, nudges and changing the subject don't work. And MIL is a very sensitive and anxious person, who would be mortified and massively upset if I got any firmer with her about how it's upsetting me (belieeeeeve me), and I don't want to make her cry. Plus I feel like a cow being all "oh shush now about the teenager with brain cancer, MIL, it's bringing me down!"

ARGH.

OP posts:
PurpleMinionMummy · 31/07/2017 20:07

Yanbu. Some people seem drawn to stuff like this, almost like they make others problems/tragedies their own. I find it a bit odd tbh.

NightFlightToVenus · 31/07/2017 20:11

My MIL does this. Describes the ins and outs of the bowel malfunctions of people I have never heard of though she is convinced I know them.

The clincher was when I told her I had a serious condition for which I was about to have an emergency operation for.
"Oh yes Ethel's second cousin had that" she told me "she died"! Confused

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 31/07/2017 20:12

The older you get the more ill you get, the more ill your social circle gets. Sad fact of life, We don't stay young and healthy, neither do our friends, relatives and acquaintances.

(The last two were her sister-in-law's cousin and the daughter of someone who used to be DH's teacher) whilst these people are of no interest to you, they will be known to your DH.

FWIW my old form tutors son died recently, I was interested, I remember her as newly married and then pregnant. And so it may have been 35 years ago but I found it very sad.

iklboo · 31/07/2017 20:14

FIL & his wife do this. Theirs stretches to include pets as well. DH have a bet on the way up about how long we're there before 'so & so is dead' enters the conversation (and it's usually someone we don't know from Adam).

GirlOnATrainToShite · 31/07/2017 20:16

My FIL does the exact same and also obsesses about his own health and medication.

I was cuddling my car and he said "oh girl you'll be devastated when she dies" Shock

GirlOnATrainToShite · 31/07/2017 20:16

*cat Grin

Outnotdown · 31/07/2017 20:18

That's my MIL! It's awful, and like yours, mine is very nice but very sensitive to perceived criticism, so can't tell her straight (just can't bring myself to stress out an 80 year old widow.) But it makes me grind my teeth.

theymademejoin · 31/07/2017 20:19

My mil is like that. I call phone calls from her "the death notices on NameOfHerTown FM" (I live in Ireland where local radio stations read out the death notices after the news) as it's just a litany of deaths and accidents. Her main hobby seems to be going to funerals too.

seasonschooner · 31/07/2017 20:20

Every person over 60 does this and I'm sure you will too. As death becomes ever closer it is a way to come to terms with our own mortality.

GirlOnATrainToShite · 31/07/2017 20:21

My parents are in their 70s and 80s and do not do this - FIL is in his 60s

treaclesoda · 31/07/2017 20:22

Every person over 60 does this and I'm sure you will too

That's just not true at all. I know very few people who do it. My parents are in their 80s and have outlived half of their friends and siblings and they don't talk like this.

DancesWithOtters · 31/07/2017 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cardibach · 31/07/2017 20:25

Mine alludes to terrorist attacks e eryrime DD (21) leaves the immediate vicinity. She talks about 'all the horrible things happening inthe world' and says it's 'good the young people have the courage' to travel. Winds me up.

cardibach · 31/07/2017 20:25

Every time* Excuse crap typing.

TriskelArts · 31/07/2017 20:26

What theymade said. Though besides attending a lot of funerals being far more culturally normal in Ireland, my mother has preferred tales of illness and misfortune as long as I can remember. She much prefers them to stories of good luck and success -- I think she actively likes the idea that life is a vale I tears for everyone. It makes her feel powerful. Conversation with her can be a real downer...

cardibach · 31/07/2017 20:26

season 60 is not old anymore. My sister is 60 and definitely doesn't do this!

Ragwort · 31/07/2017 20:35

Every person over 60 does this and I'm sure you will too.

Absolutely not true - I am 59 Grin and none of my acquaintances talk like this - neither do my parents in their late 80s (although they do moan about a few of their friends who seem to talk endlessly about health matters Grin).

Original poster
mittenXL5 · 31/07/2017 20:36

haha, at least it's not just mine! I'll be thinking of "death notices on NameOfHerTown FM" next time she calls with an update.

It is illness/hospital stuff in general as well, come to think of it. When I had an EMCS she discussed it and the recovery with absolutely bloody everybody. "And Jacqui's daughter, I don't remember her name, you know, they used to live in that house by the Suttons? Oh maybe you don't. Anyway I was telling her about your operation and she said you have to be really careful, you know, because you have a lot of internal stitches and -" MIL! Stoooooop!

OP posts:
GirlOnATrainToShite · 31/07/2017 20:37

Why are the Irish so obsessed with death? Confused

Oysterbabe · 31/07/2017 20:40

My mum is like this, I call her the misery whore.

IHeartDodo · 31/07/2017 20:41

My gran talks constantly about her own death... I eventually asked her to stop "because it was morbid and depressing", and she's since toned it down a bit.

trilbydoll · 31/07/2017 20:41

After I had dd1, MIL was cuddling her on the post natal ward. She was so delighted with her baby granddaughter, you could tell, she looked so happy. Then she turned to FIL and said 'it really brings it home, all we have to look forward to is death'. Neither of them were even 60 at this point, me and DH were helpless. Such a bizarre think to say.

SelmaAndJubjub · 31/07/2017 20:42

Every person over 60 does this

Rubbish. My grandparents lived to their late 80s and never did. Many very old people have incredible resilience and are excellent at dwelling on the positive, despite loss.

My DM, on the other hand, has been doing this since her 30s, which is why all her DC drink heavily in her presence Wink

maras2 · 31/07/2017 20:42

season schooner I'm 66 and would never dream of having
conversations like this.Enough with the ageism Angry
OP You must spend a lot of time with MIL.Any reason why?

Fairylea · 31/07/2017 20:44

My mum is 70 and has two chronic health conditions, one of which is likely to eventually kill her and she does not talk like this. It's not about being "over 60" - being over 60 isn't even old anymore.

I think your mil has anxiety and depression. I know myself as someone who has severe health anxiety that a lot of it comes from having too much time on my hands and obsessing over illness and symtoms. She needs some new hobbies and possibly some counselling. It's not healthy to think that way all the time.