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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish my MIL was a bit less morbid?

56 replies

mittenXL5 · 31/07/2017 20:04

To start with: my MIL is lovely, we get on really well, her two grandsons love her to pieces and she's generally fab. Not a MIL-bashing thread!

However. She spends a lot of time talking about people she knows who are very ill/dying. This doesn't even have to be anyone she's close to, in fact usually it isn't. (The last two were her sister-in-law's cousin and the daughter of someone who used to be DH's teacher.) She wants to talk and talk and TALK about it. She will phone up or turn up, ask about the DSs for a few minutes, then say "Ooooh, did I tell you the latest on Emma's neighbour's dad? Well, they're saying the cancer's spread to his bones..." and we get a full detailed update on EVERYTHING.

I think she is genuinely upset about these people. She has also lost a few friends and family over the past years and I suppose in some sense she's working through it? And like I say she is genuinely lovely, it's just once she gets on to the Terminal Illness Latest Roundup it's like she can't bloody stop.

I am starting to find this upsetting myself. I'm going through some stressful stuff at the moment, including parent who is ill but undiagnosed. I really don't want to hear stories about somebody else who is just a shell of their former selves and it's so sad. I don't want to hear MIL talking about why it makes no sense to believe in God when such awful things happen in the world, when my religious faith is what's got me through my own awful times Sad

She also talks about her own death (in quite a matter of fact way, but still a lot). She goes to lots of funerals of anyone she tangentially knows who has died - she says she needs to go to show her support, which I am sure is well intended but is probably not helping her be less doom-and-gloom.

Hints, nudges and changing the subject don't work. And MIL is a very sensitive and anxious person, who would be mortified and massively upset if I got any firmer with her about how it's upsetting me (belieeeeeve me), and I don't want to make her cry. Plus I feel like a cow being all "oh shush now about the teenager with brain cancer, MIL, it's bringing me down!"

ARGH.

OP posts:
Original poster
mittenXL5 · 31/07/2017 20:44

You must spend a lot of time with MIL.Any reason why?

I'm married to her son? Confused

OP posts:
ToElleWithIt · 31/07/2017 20:46

Yes yes yes. My MIL does this too. We're all Irish. The last time she was in Dublin she spent ages telling me how she might not be able to mind the boys the day we had asked for help in two weeks' time because a "very close" friend of hers was in a hospice and close to the end and there would be a wake/ funeral to attend in the county where she's from and she couldn't miss it. "Of course, I completely understand" I said. "The poor woman and how awful for you". MIL went on about the illness of good friend in great detail and staying in such and such a hospice. "Oh she's in Dublin? That hospice is only round the corner. Will you be going to visit your dear friend while you're up in Dublin? I'd be happy to drop you?"

"No" say my MIL " I'll see her at the wake."

Rossigigi · 31/07/2017 20:46

My MIL does the same think it's an age thing....

theymademejoin · 31/07/2017 20:47

We're not obsessed with death. However, we do generally provide a lot of support to the bereaved when someone dies. If you have any vague connection to the dead person or their family you would most definitely go to the funeral.

The death notices gives you the funeral arrangements for people you know. Makes life easier. The bereaved don't have to do as much phoning aims to let people know. Even better than the death notices, we have RIP.ie. It's invaluable for finding out funeral arrangements as the funeral directors post the death notices and arrangements on it.

I was joking with a friend that they should have a notification service. Turns out they do. You can get it to alert you if someone in a particular area or with a particular name dies. I thought it was a bit morbid initially but actually, it would be very useful if you knew someone was close to death and you didn't live locally anymore.

AztecHero · 31/07/2017 20:47

My DM is like this too, and it does not help that she is a retired nurse so whenever someone is ill she will pull out all her stories of the Worst Possible Scenario and will tut and whistle through her teeth about the tragedy of it all.

She has also started for some years showing me this and that and saying ; 'This will all be yours one day'. It drives me spare, not least because it used to drive her spare when her own mother used to do it. (her mother died of motor neurone disease and my DM looks at my 7 year old sometimes with tears in her eyes and comments about how motor neurone disease is 'genetic you know' )

Butterymuffin · 31/07/2017 20:48

OK, she's anxious and sensitive. But you're not an impervious rock yourself, and atm your worries about her sensitivity are allowing her to be insensitive to you. So tell her. Work out something to say about how you're trying to be more positive in life and you don't want to hear about bad things when there's so much good in the world to focus on. And whenever she goes back to it (which she will) you'll need to calmly repeat your piece, broken record style. Or you could try interrupting to tell her about cute puppies who saved their owner's life or something. But you need to act or this will keep weighing on you.

Laiste · 31/07/2017 20:49

Lord, YANBU OP.

We have managed to make a joke of it in our family. Every time we see DM we have to go through the 'guess who's dead' game at me point. It def. can be depressing.

TriskelArts · 31/07/2017 20:50

The Irish aren't 'obsessed with death', they're just not as repressed about it as the mainstream culture of England (can't speak for BAME groups). Everyone is bereaved at some point, so why behave as though death is a terribly embarrassing thing that happens very occasionally to a minority of people?

I dont agree it's an older person thing -- my mother certainly had a taste for stories of illness and tragedy in her late 30s.

Laiste · 31/07/2017 20:50

some point

Original poster
mittenXL5 · 31/07/2017 20:50

I don't know about depression Fairylea but anxiety, yes, she has always been a very anxious person. I did get DH to very very gently suggest counselling some years ago when a friend of hers died and she really seemed to be struggling, but she was not for having any of it. I do think it'd benefit her though. I wish there was a way to coax her into it.

OP posts:
Original poster
mittenXL5 · 31/07/2017 20:51

Buttery I think you're right. I will try to rehearse something to say so I have the words prepared in advance and don't back out for fear of upsetting her in the moment.

OP posts:
blahdblah · 31/07/2017 20:54

Is she Irish by any chance? I might be wrong but I think this might be a 'thing' in Ireland - bit like the weather...only more people based - and actually the way for people to know what's going with the people they are connected to so they can provide support when it's needed.

GirlOnATrainToShite · 31/07/2017 20:54

Sorry I meant that in a lighthearted way. I wasn't meaning to be rude about the Irish.

I live in a big place and don't even bother reading the announcements in the paper.

blahdblah · 31/07/2017 20:55

x- posted

Original poster
mittenXL5 · 31/07/2017 20:56

She's not Irish.

OP posts:
theymademejoin · 31/07/2017 20:59

Blah - it's only some irish. My parents don't do it. My ILs do.

theymademejoin · 31/07/2017 21:07

Girlonatrain - I didn't think it was rude, just a bit repressed 😏.

My reaction to your comment was a bit "God love her. She needs to go to a good funeral"

Disclaimer - funerals are not my hobby. However, I'm sure I go to more in a year than most English people go to in a lifetime. Funerals in Ireland can be great craic.

Mittens1969 · 31/07/2017 21:08

My MIL is like that too. She tells us the life stories of people in her village who I don't know from Adam! That or the life story of someone she's just met on the coach on her way to us. That's because she talks to everyone non stop, and keeps the rest of us waiting when we're out and about.

She's not obsessed with bad news about people she knows, at least, but whatever news she has about whoever she's talking about, she keeps on about if through a long phone call with DH and then if there's something he needs to talk to her about he won't have addressed it because she's tired him out. Grrrr!

Her other favourite subject is the Second World War and the bombing raids (DD1 asks questions about that now!), and post war rationing.

GirlOnATrainToShite · 31/07/2017 21:10

Girlonatrain - I didn't think it was rude, just a bit repressed 😏

My opinion was formed entirely from the comments on this thread!!

Topseyt · 31/07/2017 21:12

My parents are in their eighties and don't talk like this.

Caenea · 31/07/2017 21:14

My grandma (85) is like this.

Mind you, I don't think living in a SH scheme with other elderly folks who are all equally obsessed with death is helping.

They call it "Death's Waiting Room" or Last Stop and someone dies on average every month. I've been in the communal lounge immediately after one of the funerals and the discussion was already about Henry and his bone cancer, and he was the hot favourite to be Next.

I've found the best was is to sort of "Uhm" your way through - acknowledge the conversation but don't engage with it. Just let her get it out of her system.

MumBod · 31/07/2017 21:17

Ah, 'Guess Who's Dead?' My mums favourite game.

DearMrDilkington · 31/07/2017 21:21

My grandmother does this too! It doesn't bother me much as I'm pretty morbid and hard to offend.

I do wonder if Jims old neighbours cousins cat would mind having his intimate medical details shared with me though...

AztecHero · 31/07/2017 21:37

But it's the intimate details too, not just about death about illness. I seem to know very intimate details about my mother's cousins children etc. And they seem to know about me too, always much to my surprise. (not least because quite alot of it has been exaggerated.).

I left my home country nearly 20 years ago and the thought of having to deal with this in situ is quite sincerely one reason why i am reluctant to return.

ThoseCowsAreFarAway · 31/07/2017 21:38

I'm Irish and my MIL is OBSESSED with illness and death. They love a good funeral. She loves talking about sad things. My aunt lost her husband last year after a long illness and my MIL inquired how she was doing - she looked visibly annoyed when I said this Aunt had started Pilates and was learning a new language. She wanted to hear a bit of misery!!

I liked ToElleWithIt story about someone not visiting in the hospice but then couldn't possibly miss the funeral. My Dad is like that - he wouldn't visit someone who is terminally I'll but would be first in line at their funeral!
As an Irish person I would agree that the Irish are obsessed with death..

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