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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I need help

49 replies

PumpernickleInaWarehouse · 31/07/2017 16:37

I just cannot cope anymore with my newborn baby and toddler and older dc also....
I have spent the day in a state of extreme anxiety and just want to run away.
Spent the whole day sobbing my heart out about how hard it is and how bad and guilty i feel.
I liked our life how it was and now its all fucked up and its all my fault.
Nighttime is approaching and i just cannot do it. I don't know what to do I have never been in such an overwhelmed state before.
Please can anyone help me

OP posts:

humblesims · 31/07/2017 16:41

Do you have anyone in RL that you can call to come and be with you for little while? Do you have a DP? You sound at the end of your tether. Looking after small children is relentless and can get on top of the best of us. I am sure you havent fucked anything up. Are you getting enough/any sleep?

SpiritedLondon · 31/07/2017 16:43

I second the PP... you haven't fucked up it's probably a combination of baby hormones and tiredness. Who do you have around you in RL? Do you have a DP?

GoldenOrb · 31/07/2017 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoldenOrb · 31/07/2017 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CabbageLooking · 31/07/2017 16:48

You sound utterly exhausted. As PPs asked, are you on your own? Is there anyone who can come and be with you if you are? I don't want to sound dismissive at all but this does sound like PND and/or hormones talking, along with overwhelming tiredness.

sineadHG · 31/07/2017 16:48

is there anyone you can talk to tonight? you will be able to get through the rest of the day i promise. then tomorrow book an appointment with a doctor and get the help you need

mrscropley · 31/07/2017 16:48

Juggling dc is difficult. .
What is your bedtime routine? Can you cut back on things to make it easier? Not bathing every night for example, easy tea /supper, early night now and again for all, enlist a friend /relative a few nights a week until things get easier.

HemmieH · 31/07/2017 16:57

How old are your older DC? My niece is 8 and she knows how to give the baby at bottle ect. Could they do that just while you sit and a drink a cuppa.

Original poster

PumpernickleInaWarehouse · 31/07/2017 18:02

I have massively fucked up.
My toddler has just turnt 2 was a truly hard baby and never slept etc she ended up in bed with me full time, my dp works away alot and even when here he sleeps in spare room as he has trouble sleeping, when i found out i was pregnant. (Unplanned) I was immediately terrified and unsure but obviously ended up having baby, the whole 9 months it played on my mind that I needed to sleep train and get her sleeping on her own etc but I was seriously ill with HG, on and off a drip etc and had severe spd resulting in crutches....i was exhausted and ended up just letting her sleep with me and figuring i would deal with it later down the line, i truly was too unwell to stay awake past 7pm let alone do super nanny style techniques.
Anywho baby is now here (8 days old) and of course not only have i got the usual toddler confusion at all the changes etc but i now have toddler in bed still and also a n newborn who is waking her up and last night was so so bad with toddler confused and crying and baby screaming with wind and struggling to latch on..it was hell ok earth.
(Eldest dd 8 is fine and goes to bed fine she also helps during the day playing with toddler or having a cuddle with new baby)
So yeah its a complete fuck up and i cant cope with another night of it.
Its too late now to start sleep training its just not doable at moment until new baby is sleeping through in cot at a later date.
Toddler will only sleep if i cuddle her in bed and wakes up during night if i leave room, i feel like a complete fucking failure, why could everyone else manage it and i couldn't? I feel sick at myself and like i can't do this....I am going to phone the doctors in the morning I feel genuinely like im on the brink of a breakdown and its only day 8... The utter feeling of dread of both of them screaming the house down tonight.
I feel like running away.

OP posts:

Morphene · 31/07/2017 18:05

Could you reduce the noise level using some partial earplugs? Screaming is designed to make you crazy and cutting the volume may give you some headspace.

Morphene · 31/07/2017 18:06

Also being woken up by a baby might be the perfect method for persuading the toddler they'd prefer their own space...

GoldenOrb · 31/07/2017 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

upperlimit · 31/07/2017 18:10

If the issue with your toddler is that she needs to be in the same room as someone to sleep and would otherwise sleep through, could you put them in the room with your eldest?

Just as an experiment? If it works then brilliant and if it doesn't, at least it wasn't a school night.

It sounds like it's really hard

Almostfifty · 31/07/2017 18:16

That's what we did with ours upperlimit and it worked a treat.

Original poster

PumpernickleInaWarehouse · 31/07/2017 18:42

My toddler dd is really fussy and high needs and always has been, everything with her is hard work and an uphill battle.
She wouldn't sleep eldest dd or anything like that, she doesn't talk much so you can't explain or reason with her at all.
I am going to call gp first thing in morning to get some help. I feel suffocated and anxious and wish I could turn back time anf do it all different. It feels like I will never be out if this situation, which is silly as I know how fast it goes as my eldest just turnt 8 and her newborn days are a distant memory.
I have never felt this desperate and scared before....im worried the stress and screeching and sleepless nights will tear us all apart even though dp assures me constantly we will get through it and we would never split either.
He is helping as much as he can but is back to work in few days and wont be here at night anyway.
Has anyone else ever felt like this?
I feel like everyone else has bedtimes sorted and excellent routines and theres me just a fuck up.

OP posts:

GoldenOrb · 31/07/2017 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

humblesims · 31/07/2017 19:43

I feel like everyone else has bedtimes sorted and excellent routines I dont know a single person who has bedtime sorted and excellent routines. You are going through the toughest time right now. You havent fucked up I promise. It isnt going to get better overnight but gradually things will change and they WILL get better. Until then you need as much help as you can get. Make that GP appointment and make your life as easy as possible with regards toddler and Baby. Take one day at a time and keep coming back here for support if you have none in RL. We can get you past this bit I'm sure we can.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 31/07/2017 19:51

Your dp needs to step in and take care of the toddler day and night. Is there any way he could take some leave? He is responsible for the kids too.

I am very pro breastfeeding but let's admit it formula is an easier option. Formula and a dummy make baby much less reliant on you, I think it is something to consider if you are overwhelmed (alhough it won't make baby sleep more, it makes it quicker to feed, on a schedule and possible for your dp to do some night feeds).

Original poster

PumpernickleInaWarehouse · 31/07/2017 19:52

Thankyou all so so much.
golden you have no idea how much that just helped to hear you did the same thing.
Im normally a level headed person so this has shocked me how bad I feel so quickly.
I honestly waited three days to post this as I was convinced posters would pile on telling me its all my own fault etc....I didnt expect understanding.
You are right in that i did what i felt i had to do at the time to get through.
I hope the doctor can help. I dont know the words to say.

OP posts:

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 31/07/2017 19:53

You are not a failure, you are in an extremely difficult situation.

Outnotdown · 31/07/2017 20:05

You are not the only person this has happened to, I also co slept with my kids and when I had a newborn and a 2 year old, it was almost unmanageable. This was about 5 years ago and I still remember the dread, fear and panic when I was alone with them and praying they wouldn't wake up.

I couldn't have managed all by myself, dh took the two year old most nights, and when he had to leave early in the morning for work it was awful. Hormones and sleep deprivation just make the feelings of failure and being overwhelmed worse.

It passes eventually, but it's dire going through it.

Get as much practical help as you can. Don't beat yourself up, you are in fact doing great, and other people aren't doing everything right while you're doing everything wrong-it just feels that way because you're in sleep deprived hell.

Good luck

Outnotdown · 31/07/2017 20:08

P.s.just wanted to add, your life will be better than it was before, once your baba is a bit older

upperlimit · 31/07/2017 20:34

When my ds1 was 22 months and my ds2 was a newborn we all ended up in the same bed, so we bought a bloody enormous bed and dh often ended up in the spare room.

Breastfeeding ds2 helped because I could have a boob in his mouth before he realised he was awake got to crying. This meant that everyone got more sleep but it never looked like a routine.

This wasn't an ideal solution. It meant that ds2 didn't sleep through for ages. But for me, the priority was sanity and, for me, that meant nighttimes that were manageable and with as little stress as possible when we were in the thick of things.

Later, bit by bit, ds1 learnt to sleep through the night in his own room and much later, so did ds2.

It feels hard because it is hard. It does get better. As a starting point, please give yourself a break.

SomePeopleAreSoCheeky · 31/07/2017 20:35

OP you are not a failure, you have a brand new baby, a toddler and another child and as well as being sleep deprived, you've got massive amounts of hormones wreaking havoc on your body!
Do call the Dr, even if you just end up talking until you feel better it's worth it - I did exactly that with my first, he was about 10 days old and I was having panic attacks and couldn't sleep etc and that was awful, talking to the Dr really helped and having my DH come to the appointment with me so he could see how I was feeling also really helped too.
You're still in the very early days, it's an adjustment for everyone and it will take time. Do what you have to do to get some sleep (I still co-sleep with mine and he's nearly 2) we've had a bedtime routine for about 15 months and he knows it well but he still wakes in the night and honestly, it's easier to just let him come in with us because we know he will sleep so we can sleep too.
If you haven't got a routine yet, maybe think about it, ours is very simple (bath, PJ's, teeth, story, lights out) but he knows what is going to happen when we go upstairs so we don't have battles to get him to sleep in his own bed at the beginning of the night, and he's sleeping longer and longer on his own.
You've not failed, or any of the things you are worried about you just need a bit of help and support, and the anxiety about your OH going back to work is probably not helping as the worry about what you'll do when you're completely on your own. The answer is you survive each day, some days will be great and others you'll spend it in your PJ's eating cereal from a packet - none of this is failing, it's making it through and after making it through enough you'll find you know what you're doing and you'll figure out what works for you.
Not sure if this is helpful, but know you aren't alone, there is always support available!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/07/2017 20:41

You poor thing, it's really early days, it'll get better. Do you have any friends who can help out a bit when DP is back in work? Otherwise can you and the two little ones just go to bed early together for now?

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